30.7.04 | Ladies And Gentlemen, It's Time
...for all the good that's in you to shine
for all the lights to lose their shade
for all the hate that's in you
to fade
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time
for the maracas and the tambourines
to play them until they break or until the day breaks
don't hide anymore, it's time to be seen
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time
for you to flash like a dancer who aims to please
time to unbutton every button of your cowardice
time to be warm in the dark, don't let the dancer freeze
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time
the bartender is looking you right in the eye
he says, "I'm gonna replace all your weak blood with my wine,
If you can't live with the truth, go ahead
- try and live with a lie"
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time
for all the good that's in you to shine
for all the lights to lose their shade
for the hate that's in you to fade
to fade
to fade
to fade
-American Music Club (2004)
I hope these lyrics give you courage.
And the strength to live, in a world that,
i suddenly find without magic.
I think this is my last post.
I don't feel like writing anymore.
Goodbye.
(At least for now)
Glad to have met you all. (grins. waves. fades...
3 comments :.
28.7.04 | The Saturnyne Finds His Feminine Side
Or it could be a cunning excuse to ogle pictures of scantily clad women... naaah! I'm a sensitive, New Age kinda guy who just likes to be Yin with his Yang. Now, yer must excuse me, i've just seen a quiz i need to do concerning which nekkid actress/model/songstress with name beginning with "K" i could be... for scientific purposes obviously...
You are a goddess!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm a goddess. I knew it! Bow before me y'all!
6 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
As usual, so predicatable! I am the Goth-Kid's dream...
One day I might grow out of it, well that's what mudder used to say when I was 15. Hah!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
I was going tp post something weird and witty here, but then my brain just fried... so,,,
Blah blah blah blah! blah! Blah blah blah!! Blah-blah! Blah blah blaaah. Blaaaaah.
-erk! Woolly mammoth!!!
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
Well after a busy few weeks I thought I'd pop back and see what you are up to and you've declared yourself a goddess. I'm not even going to start on what's wrong with that one.
A goddess of what though ?
I've got a few suggestions you probably don't want to hear.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Of course i don't want to hear them. What with you being just a mere mortal and i being a goddess! Tchah! Now bow before my beauty and majesty like ver'body else! And then go and try and answer my questions about Black Holes further down the page...
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
I've done that but as for bowing down us mystery women never do that kind of thing...
...erm...
... I think I'll be going now.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Yerrr! I'm a mystery woman! It's great! I looked at your reply on THe Black hole fer-nom-ena, and it's great! In fact, everythings great! Especially my new-found breasts! THey're both great!
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27.7.04 | We Are All God's Children...
...Whether He likes it or not.
On a whim, i've decided to invoke the time honoured tradition of Bloggers the world over.
A pointless, yet utterly thrilling quiz. So thrilling that you will never want to take that viagra again. Nor indulge in wild fantasies involving badgers and mashed potato. And crack will quickly become your second drug of choice next to the marvel of this quiz. And while we're at it, would you like to buy some encyclopaedias and double glazing?
This one i nicked from Tams quiz website. It was the first quiz i ever participated in as a blogger. Thanks Tam.
Michael. You're most like the ArchAngel of
Defense. You like to hit things, and you like
naked people, preferably cute naked people. A
real down-to-earth angel who likes frogs and is
easily distracted by bright, shiny things.
Which ArchAngel are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yup, that probably sums me up.
PS: I lied about the quiz. You will always have fantasies involving badgers and mashed potato... and probably dancing otters, too. Snaffling their whiskers in time to an arcane and earthy ritualistic drumbeat. Go you Otters!
PPS: i was feeling smug today, when i noticed that i'd had 285 "profile views", despite very little effort on my part... the smugness was quickly dispelled when Pumpkin pointed out that they were probably all me being narcissistic again.
PPPS: Bah! What does she know? (Quite a lot actually)(Yes i had to say that last bit cos she's standing right behind me). It's obviously my handsome B+W pic looking all godlike and mysterious, that and people trying to figure out what kind of person lists "Digestive Systems" as one of their key interests... =]
4 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Heh. I'm Lucifer. Go figure.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
i KNEWED you'd be Lucifer!
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
I'm also very bored and can't sleep. Where's a web-aholic when you need one huh??!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
looks like i just missed you, dearie.
Ach!
S.x
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26.7.04 | The Gift
A couple of years ago ago, i was walking in the woodland near my home. 'twas an early morning in Midsummer, some days afore Solstice. I was trying to find things to shoot with my camera in the cool dawn light.
I wasn't having much luck, it was either too cloudy, ruining any shadows i might use for texture and mystery (not overcast mind, just the kinds of cloud that want to creep up on the sun and hide it just when you don't want, then run away laughing cloudily when you've got impatient and moved on). Or too windy, and i couldn't get any plant close-up's due to 'em not keeping still. Plus... AND... i just couldn't find a subject to my liking.
So i sat for a while on the edge of a nice little copse, looking down into the valley and river below. Cursing my ill-fortune to the wind in the grass, and the sky above.
"Just one photo! Just a tiny bit of inspiration! Then i can go home to bed!" i wailed melodramatically. Always a drama queen, even without an audience.
Except... was there someone behind me? Was that a sound of something moving in the grasses behind me? That was a cough, surely? One of those polite coughs, to announce your presence without embarrassing someone, you know the type? Except it seemed so quiet.
I turn my head, not slowly- i hate being stalked on.
Nothing.
There was nobody there. Nothing.
The air suddenly seemed eerily calm. The winds had dropped off.
And then i saw it.
Right behind me, mere feet away, the Sun had finally got the upperhand with those tricky clouds and saw fit to cast a single beam through the trees, right into a patch of foxgloves, there to caress the tallest flower there in a halo of silvery white light. It was beautiful.
Inspiration Strikes! I got to work, before the wind awakened once more. Forgetting in my excitement that the hairs on the back of my neck were preparing to stand up for a good bit of adrenalin pumping. But they had their little moment later...
Y'know, until then i had never truly looked at a wild foxglove, they are just sooo common. Y'see them everywhere you go in Summer around here... i hope i've managed to capture some of it's beauty to share with you here.
Fifteen minutes later, i was prepping to leave, singing a little song cheerfully, it was probably "La la lala, La la lala, lala-laaah" or something similar.... and then i felt it again... that feeling of being watched. And did i hear some quiet chuckling? But where from?
"Hello?" (And hello neck-hairs!)
Nothing. Again. Just the breeze stirring trees and grass ever so lightly now.
Feeling genuinely disturbed, and seeing as i'd packed my kit, i decided, not without haste, to LEAVE, away up the hill. As i reached the hills crest, i turned and looked back down into the valley, and the river, and towards the ever-so-slightly creepy foxglove glade.
I could see it quite clearly from my elevation. I also saw something else. My patch of foxgloves was dead centre of a Daone Sidhe ring. A faerie ring. (Or if yer have scientific kind of mind... a fungus ring...hah!)
Could that have been...? Naah! Who believes in that kind of thing nowadays...?
And yet... it did seem that i was "directed" towards these flowers... and legend says that Faerie Gifts really shouldn't be spurned OR mocked...
So. A Gift? Perhaps. And now i share it with you...
The Gift
THe Gift 2
3 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
They are lovely, m'dear. Thank 'ee.
Tam hollered thusly:
Bollocks! All of it!
Well, no, not really but I can't have you accruing so much positive feedback -- you'll lose your artiste's edge. ;)
Also: bang open photoshop and even out the levels on the first one and you'd have yourself a near-sickening amount of pretty.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Hahahahah! THanks all...
Tam, I nearly choked on my yummy food, when i read that! (I would have added cheerily "Y'biiitch!" but didn't know how you'd take it). Yeah, i did have a look in Photoshop for the first one, but it was late, and i only had time to try the auto-option levels; it leeched all the pinky/purple out of it and left me most narked... so i left it as it was to come back to... Annoyingly, the colour pics i took of these flowers, were framed less groovily than the b+W ones. So i'm not entirely satisfied with the results... *sigh*
btw, you have "Bollocks" in NZ?! THat's great! You probably appreciated the cactus links more than most, then... aaah, i could watch that cactus say "bollocks" all day and still be endlessly entertained... i'm sad that way.
btw2: i was walking that way again recently; The ring is no more, but the foxgloves are, and they're in a perfect little circle all by themselves...
btw3: I can't remember what i was gonna say here, because the phone rang, but i bet it was totally cool and relevant to the situation. Yeah.
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25.7.04 | Eat My Spiky Throbbing Cactus, Bitch!
I just had to put these here... this is going in mah links ASAP
Cactus One
Cactus Two
Cactus Three
(I ruptured several vital organs, i laughed so much. Anyone got swapsies?)
(David Blunkett (The U.K.'s Home Secretary and yob) and Sadie are "The UK's cutest couple. David is the blind MP behind quips like, "You don’t need a guide dog for hindsight." And Sadie? She's his faithful mutt who stops him walking into cars. Enjoy Mushybees prickly take on politics."
(Nicked the quote from B3ta.com)
0 comments :.
22.7.04 | Sweeties! (and Perhaps Black Holes, and Tricycles, and Paper Clips. PLUS: why Janey's PC is such a spanner)
Ahh, gentle reader. I have returned. Did you miss me? My wit, wisdom and pithy comments? The fabulous swearing and conversations with assorted fruits and vegetables?
Eh? What do ye mean?- "it's only been a few days"? But surely you must have had a few pangs of sorrow at my absence?! Well, I say! Steady on! A Saturnyne could get quite hurt by such... ambivalence.
Soo, Black Holes, eh? Saw the film. Great for scaring small children. Well done, Disney! (And BTW, Disney! You haven't yet replied to my ideas for modern reworkings of some of your classics. Surely you can see the 'Hit' potential in a rapping baby reindeer with a chainsaw? In a war-torn Vietnam? "Bambi Apocalypse" would be massive!) Although it's got me wondering, while we can't actually see the hole itself, as it absorbs everything, and not even light can escape it's dreadful hunger... can we see all the yummy matter it's gonna be noshing on, swirling into it? I presume so (Mr Carl feel free to share your wisdom on this)... and if that's true does it really swirl around the Hole like water about to go down the plug hole? and if that's true... which direction does it swirl? Because water (On our lovely little globey) swirls in opposite directions, depending on which side of the Equator you're standing... Sooo does the Universe have an Equator? And are there any funky alien ceremonies when the little green men cross over it? Like we do with ours.
I happened to be watching Stephen Hawking the other day, on the subject of Black Holes. He said: I wouldn't want to get too near to one. I might fall in..." I guess Mr Hawking won't be moonlighting on the standup circuit any time soon...
But...
...wouldn't it be hideously amusing, if one day soon he just stood up and got out of his wheelchair, and admitted he'd been taking the piss all these years? Y'know, just having a bit of a laugh. You'd have to worship the man. You would!
Going back to Black Holes, i must admit, i was a regular little sweetie purchaser in my childhood, and seeing as that's the topic chosen for this blog by the Queen of Darkness, Janey...
I come from a working class family; father worked down the pit part of his life, mother in a village bakery, then both on the factory lines until their retirement... Godbless... and utter, utter boredom...
Anyway... we weren't well off... and sweeties and crisps were a bit of a luxury. Fortunately i had a brilliant middle-class Christian friend called Michael who believed in sharing and buying sweeties for the both of us! Yaay! (I only hope i thanked him at the time). AND i learnt a valuable religious lesson there as well: Christians = not complete wankers! Phew!
looking at the above link, i see some of the old faves are still available, like flying saucers and sherbet fountains I can almost feel my teeth melting at the mere thought of 'em.
*sigh*.
It's a pity about the old "corner" shops that used to sell these things. THere's none of these strange, cosy little places left around here now, with their pleasant, musty smells and dark mysterious corners and jars and jars of wonders along the back walls... it was a thrill to go into them... just to gaze.
Alas then, for the past. As we welcome... the marvels of such achievements as the internet, etcetera, we have... lost also. There used to be dozens and dozens of small shops lining the roads here in Harle Syke, now we have... perhaps half a dozen... and one of them is a mini-supermarket, so i don't think that counts. But perhaps with the demise of petrol, in several days time, these things may return...
I used to have a tricycle, too, as a kid. Big red one! It was like, the Ferrari tricycle of it's day, and i was the envy of other small childs for streets around!
Sooo, that just leaves paperclips and Janey's computer problem. Right...
Paperclips: Never used them much.
Janey's pc: Doctor Saturnyne says: The most likely problem with your pc, Janey is that you probably aren't saying enough nice things to it, and petting it as it reaches old age (Which in current pc terms usually means at about six months... i wonder what that is in dog years...) You could of course reprogram it with an axe. You'll never have to worry about it working ever again after that, because of course it won't.
Of course, it may be that this is a recent problem, in which case, the problem might be me... for some reason, and i have several friends who can vouch this, computers and other electrical appliances seem to be scared of Yours Truly, and go into a panic shutdown whenever i am near... it might possibly be that yr pc is aware of me and that yr communicating with me, and feels threatened... to remedy this situation i suggest calling me "Geoff- The God of Deckchairs" or something similar to confuse it. That should do the trick.
Eg: (in loud voice) "Ooh! I think i'll just email Geoff- The God Of Deckchairs now".
WEll, that's everything. Job done. I sit back and smugly have a virtual fag now. No,not not one of those, you pervert. I wouldn't have a clue as to what to do with one of those. Make cups of tea for guests, i s'pose. Or knitting.
more later, sweethearts.
3 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
I can't believe it! I posted a blog about Black Holes, Without comparing them to any ex-girlfriends, in revenge! Y'know- life and light devouring holes etc...
ahm losing mah touch.
Also, icompletely missed the chance to throw a few puns of the "Oo-er" variety concerning Sherbet Fountains and Flying Saucers... what a wastedopportunity... i'm gonna have to edit this post again... um, when i can be bothered...
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
I'll give it a do but Ruth is the one with the degree in astronomy.
The Coriolanus effect (water swirling down plug holes) occurs because of the Earth's rotation, as different parts of it are rotating at different speeds (with it being (almost)) spherical). As the universe isn't rotating (as far as we know) anything approaching a black hole should take a straight line towards the centre of the black hole rather than circling it (assuming no other forces are acting on the object). Think more like a strong magnet and less like a plug hole.
Also talking nicely to computers is no way to get them to work/continue working they need stern discipline and a damn good thrashing every so often, it's the only language they understand (well that an binary I suppose).
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Cool. THat's most excellent! I shall hereby appoint you High Priest of Scientific Thingies. See everyone!- The Saturnynes Lounge is now a fabled seat of learning and improving yourselves through enlightenment!
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20.7.04 | The Saturnyne Discovers A Potato Analogy For His Life
here we are: Potato
Would anyone like to guess the inner meaning? If i like the answer, you can choose a subject for me to ramble on about, or ask me to post another picture, or even both. Note: THere's no limit to the number of answers i can like. Or i might just be fickle, and choose the best looking contestant. Well, it works in Miss World, doesn't it?!!
Hah!
6 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Uh-uh!-No waaay am i talking about that!
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
You could talk about black holes. Or three wheeled bikes - what's that all about then? Or who designed the paperclip...or why my pc is such a spanner?
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
erm.... right guys... and WHY is the cartoon an analogy of my life... ahem... to get back to the point?... (laughs)
Not that Iiii know or anything... (laughs some more)
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
{does Frued impression and scratches chin}....
Is it perhaps a reflection of the split personality that lurks inside a whole shell until cruel life marches along and splits you into little pieces with her oversized machete, then fills the squawking emptiness that your being potato chipped has made to your friends with a new, improved version complete with pogo stick?
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
i like that one... and probably closer to the truth than i would ever admit... oh right, i just have. Ah, well.
YE've found me out. Again. Yer definitely mah sister. Or ye've secretly been taping my mind in league with Squirrel dissidents...
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
I will be kind and give you a gentle yet succulent topic. As we are off the same generation who venerated the sweets of our youth the topic I give to you is the veritable sweetshop of unearthly delights at http://www.aquarterof.com
Have fun, m'boy (especially with them cherry lips....)
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18.7.04 | Argh! What've they done to my post-editing functions!??!!
Bastards! Bastards bastards bastards! Bastard bollocky bastards!
So i go and look, and they say there's all these things to edit my posts on a toolbar. Not for me there fecking isn't!
Bastards!
If anyone feels like commenting on this. I will add free swear wordy sentences to this post for each comment at no extra charge... hum, i had to read that again just to see if it made even a slight bit of sense.
Basically. You comment. I swear.
UPDATE: Problem solved... but if you leave comments, i'm still gonna swear... Haven't had a good swear in ages, dammit! In fact, i insist! And for those of you who come here, and then nonchalantly and blithely fail to comment... I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! Don't make me come around and smile at you. You wouldn't like it. now then, i think it's time for my nap.
UPDATE: Any children or those of a sensitive disposition reading this should turn away now. Turn a-fucking-way!
Aaha! My first comment. (thankee to tha lovely Janey) Sooo......
Fuck.
next!
And now a request for the word 'motherfucker' from indefatigable Tam.
NO. Nooo 'motherfuckers' for at least another six requests, i'm on a fucking schedule here! Although when i do get around to saying 'motherfucker', 'i'll definitely think about saying it just the way you like... oh for about 2 seconds, then i'll say it the way i like, which is: 'motherfucker' only more sleazy, like someone who's just had chocolate licked off them by two dozen virgins... or whatever your own perspective is (hmm, actually the above scenario might not do it for me. but it's a possible interesting example) then it'd be more of a drawn out 'moootherrr-fuuuckerrr.'
No. you can have.
Arsy-Bollocks.
'cause it's one of my favourites.
Next!
Aaah, here comes the resilient Amanda. Hi Amanda! You're just in time for another one of my favourite words, one i often screamed at a neighbours pet cat outside the castle. Mysteriously missing since the recent karaoke shenanigans... it is amusing to note that said cat eventually took to it's new name, when it realized that yummy fishie would be on the menu. Cats eh? Noo fucking loyalty! Still a refreshingly controversial word after many years of fond use. Ladies and gentlemen i give you. (loudly. and twice. because. Just because.)
CUNT! CUUUNNTT!
(ahem, i think i enjoyed that one too much)
Next!
I said next! Tchah- is that it?!! Three comments? Three fecking comments!!!? I hate you all!!
(slouches off despondently to practice cow-twanging. It's sort of like cow-tipping, only you use a catapult. The idea came to me on someone else's website (See links down side)).
Scruttocks! I'm off to repeatedly hit the space-bar now, here.
No it's not a bar where the intergalactic cowboys hang out, umm, well not as i know it...
Late news! Here comes Al, to save my swearathon, who i know almost nothing about apart from his familiarity with crack-whores.
"Yeah, man, i'm like down to just two a day now, man, but it's like just such a hard barrier to break, man. Y'got any change, by the way?" We feel for you Al. Heheh!
But i also notice he lists War and Peace amongst his favourite books. A fact which i find an enormous relief, because i was beginning to think i might be the only person in the world who'd read it. Phew! (o' course if i'd listed my favourite books instead of my favourite authors AND then forgot to include mr Tolstoy, then i have only myself to blame).
Oh yeah, i almost forgot.
Wank! (A particular favourite here in the U.K. Often extended to "Wankaaah"(wanker) when yer realy wannna start insulting someone cheerily. Eg; "Who's the wankaaah in the hat!"
Next!
Well well well! Lookee here! 'tis THe Prisoner arriving like the proverbial white rabbit. bit fucking late, aren't we?! And Amanda, too!- Back for more!
Well i was getting kinda bored of it all by now, but seeing as ye've put some extra effort into it, i'll give you both two fucks, a shite, and a chutney spanner.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Shite.
Chutney Spanner. (Damn!- I was saving that one for a 'special' moment.
Next! (If i can be arsed anymore. Hahah!).
7 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
You swear, boy!!! I did something similar when using the new edit function and it stuffed my entire blog when I tried to use block quotes. Stupid bloody blogger....
It's funny, though I swear like atrooper off-line, I find it very hard to resort to my geordie fish wife origins online....!
Tam hollered thusly:
Are we allowed to request epithets? Because I want a hearty 'Motherfucker' said (typed, that is) with near visceral remorse undercut by a bittersweet longing for summers past, hand holding and more innocent times.
I'm sure you have the range.
al hollered thusly:
If Québecois swearing counts I'll take ya's all on.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Cool! i've always wanted to learn to swear in different languages! I bet Québecois has some really unflattering things to say about people, doesn't it? Aaace! Tell me more! Aah, that reminds me. I can swear again...
Nice of yer to drop in, btw.
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
shitbiscuits
cockbadgers
cuntbeagles
bumgay
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Gaah! I've got borred of adding swear words by now! You just want another "fuck" outta me, don'cha?!
I think about it... (grins)
I dunno, some women are insatiable... heheh!
Mwah!X
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
You beeeetch!
Hiya babe! Nice of you to pop round. And to think, you went through the trouble simply so you could post on my blog. MY blog! Yr a true friend!!!
Yeah yeah, decorating shmecorating!
Yours in amusement. Catch ya later! Say hi to the cats for me! love ya too.
S.x
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14.7.04 | Conversations With My Pumpkin (pt3 "The Depths of Sophistication")
"Shiggy wiggy wiggy?!"
"Shiggy wiggy wiggy!!!"
"Bingy bongy boo".
"Bibblybob!"
"Bibblybob!!!"
(Readers; it is interesting to note here, that the word "Bibblybob" is available on your mobile phones when you use predictive texting. And therefore must be a real word, thus proving mine and Pumpkins conversations as far superior to the norm, due to our ability to use words, that to all intents and purposes, mean bugger all to everyone else.)
"Umm, Pleb-Boy?"
THat is Pumpkins new nickname for me. I think it's rather sweet term of endearment. Much nicer than "Wanker" or "Tosser", or "Most pathetic use of so-called intelligent life, or indeed any life on this planet, any planet in any dimension you care to name, real or thought up in your ridiculous sub-parody of a brain".
"Yes, my ball of orange loveliness?"
"Remind me again why i don't take you to the vets and have you put down, or at least have you tried in a court for mental crimes against all reasonable thought, and indeed crimes against dna itself?"
This is what Pumpkin said, although i really knew she meant;
"You really are the nicest person that evah lived! I'm so glad i met you and that yer are mah bestest friend, evah."
"Aaah, lovely fruit-type-thing, i know just what you mean. 'tis because i'm loyal, generous, utterly gorgeous, a good listener, fantastically kind to waifs and strays, plus, i can do this:
(I start singing the underwater fishie song from the Disney film "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" complete with bubbly fishie voices. It also sounds like a very pissed 'Soupdragon' from the Clangers. Pumpkin falls around laughing... this never fails to amuse her somehow.
"Ok, i'll let you live this time, Pleb-Boy".
And what better friend could you have than that, dear reader?- Than one who doesn't want to kill you every day.
Thus we pass many carefree days, pleasurably together.
Adieu!
9 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
sorry to be an absent friend today. I'm in major crabby mode, so best avoided! J/x
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Eeza fine!
'm not the kinda guy to get all sensitive when peeps need their space and suchlike. That's a mistake for the younger folks.
Heh, i'm only concerned that my Cabell recommendation didn't waste yr money. I'd be mortified. Throw meself under a Hornby train i would...
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Nope, I is enjoying the book, and they were a whole £9 for 3!! Mind, i have to say that Robert Rankin truely rips of the writing style in 'Chocolate Hollow Bunnies of the Apocolyspe'!
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
PS...and I'm currently eating the holy grail of chocolate - Green & Black's Organic Dark Chocolate with orange and spices....mmmmm
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Arghhhh! I Killll!!!!!! I Killlll!!!!!!!! But first I Stalkkkk! I Stalllkkkkk!!!!! um, Like a horse. Hahaha!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
oooh! saucy! Let me see; first there's the taxi to the airport, then there's the wait for the plane, then there's the plane journey... complete with grotty plane food, THEN there's probably a journey from the airport to your place, with a probable stop-off for chocolate flavoured shower gel and egg-whisks... erm, can i sleep on it...
AND you mighta got bored by the time i get there and gone out! Or died. Of starvation!
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Planes = evil. Big evil. And certain death.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
ah, yer don't like planes, then? Bad experience?
I was once attacked by a large dog... anything similar? Although, when i say that i don't mean, did a boeing 747 try to gnaw your leg off...ahem... i mean it(bad experience) left me wary of dogs...
cats now! They're ace! I'm definitely zer cat perzonnn!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
You mean, there'd be... fun??? Wow! And i thought we were just gonna get clean and eaat yummy choccy flavoured shower gel-type-stuff!
So what kind of fun? Charades? OR: We could pretend to be salmon fishies swimming up impossibly tall waterfalls!
That'd be lotsa fun! WE could wear fishie costumes! And spawn and die upstream! Yaay!
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| Aha! Have links! Ta-daa!
Just had time for six so far... the perceptive amongst you will notice something called Dæmonic Keystaves, which while not a blog, i have added out of my great friendship to the site's owner. He recently had his original dotcom site nicked by some oh-so-nice company 'cause it was getting a few million hits a year.
What it is: A free download site for classical sheet music. 'tis most excellent, if that's your bag. What's more he's a fabulous guitarist... who i admire most hugely... he'd beat jimi Hendrix into the ground... if he wasn't there already...hah!
In fact i just had him playing one of the more complicated guitar pieces on MSN to me. Thanks Dan.
Right. I don't intend to comment on any future links in the sidebar if i can help it. Unless there's special need. It'd get kinda boring. Just go find 'em yerselves.
Next up: More Pumpkin conversationals. (Probably) With extra helping of Pumpkin. Just for you! Oh how the gods must love you.
2 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
ono! Not the peer pressure! Not the peer pressure! HAh!
Ok, i succumb and concede that this is a wise thing to do. but if i lay there in bed and can't sleep, i just get bored. Then irritable. So i get up and pace around.
fortunately, as i live alone for about half the year these days, i don't keep anyone else awake, too. lol.
Perhaps i should hire clowns to entertain me at these times... i find clowns boring and tiring, unless they're in great pain, and so this might make me doze better.
Or prostitutes. What does a prostitute cost? Anyone? Yeahh, clowns and prostitutes! Juggling and stuff!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Darlin' i have absolutely no idea who Heath Ledger is. I have to go and look for th' blighter now... aha, found 'im. mmm not my idea of good looking, but then i don't tend to look at guys much anyway.
As for my photo. One of my friends said i look absolutely nothing like it. (Quite correct, as i rather think anyone THAT pale would be dead) I assured him it was me, however. Perhaps i need to take some new pics... 'twas the only halfway good one i had.
'tis verr sweet of you to consider me in such a generous way, tho'. Yer can stay in my lounge and indulge in my hospitality for as long as you want methinks... mmm, i wonder what you look like now... surely not Betty Boop?!
(The Saturnyne hands Amanda a glass of his finest virtual red wine, just to see what she does with it...)
"human" lady friend. *snort* *chuckle*. That's funny.
S.x
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12.7.04 | The Saturnyne remembers something beautiful (And tries to right a grave injustice with a wave of his hand)
October 19th, 1991. I pick up my Melody Maker and begin to read, over breakfast.The famous music magazine was at the heights of it's powers in those days. It was passionate, it was funny, it had long, readable articles and interviews, written by such geniuses (to me) as Everett True, Allan Jones, Chris Roberts, The Stud Brothers and David Jennings. They didn't take prisoners. But they knew what they liked. It was my bible.
I reach the album reviews and my eyes are drawn towards this, I quote:
" "There's so little of you left," he sings, and he sounds startled; he wasn't expecting this, a friend wasting away to nothing and beyond, dying in front of him.
"There's so little of you left," he sings, and now he sounds awed; so this is what disease does to you.
"THERE'S SO LITTLE OF YOU LEFT," he screams, and he sounds angry now,and an electric guitar joins the rushing acoustic whirl,a vicious horizontal hum.
"There's so little of you left..." he sings, and he's whispering, hushed, bewildered and you can feel his own raging tears in what by the end of this heartstopping track are your own smarting eyes.
"It's Mark Eitzel of course, and American Music Club, and the song is called "The Dead Part Of You", A ghastly deathbed lament. This is the kind of territory that AMC have made virtually their own, this landscape of dread, these epitaths to the world's soiled dreams, the charred ends of dislocated live. AMC are rocks desolation angels and no one currently writing so movingly evokes such a colossal sense of bereavement, pain and madness as Eitzel."
There was more of, course, but by the end of the first para. I was no longer eating my brekkie. By the end of the second, i was peering around the room trying to locate my boots. Five mins after that, i'd caught the first bus into town, and making one of those musical purchases that forever have an influence on your life.
The album was 'Everclear' and it was every bit as good, and better than the review promised. By the end of the year, it had swept into every top ten "Best-of's" in every music publication going. Sharing that TEN, with the likes of Nirvana and Guns 'n' Roses. Eitzel's songwriting skills were compared to Dylan's and Morrisey's in Rolling Stone and many other places. Many bands and artists namechecked them
And the public ignored it. As they had the previous 3 before it, and the two to follow. They broke up, and Eitzel persevered with a solo career.
Not before i had the chance to view their last tour though. And i witnessed a performance of such profound jaw-dropping power and emotion, that i didn't sleep for days; I was buzzing from it so much. I can't think of any artist who tears themselves apart on stage, who looks so vulnerable, who lifts you to a new plateau over and over, while breaking the mood 'tween songs with self-deprecating quips and apologies with and to the audience. Is it possible to laugh and cry all at once? Yes. And i did. My sorrow and joy were one.
Everett True wrote about a Mark Eitzel performance thus:
"you know, the man can't sing. Not conventionally, not in the way scholars of the form would have it. His voice cracks when it reaches the higher notes, it breaks when it reaches down to the lower ones, there's no way he can hold a tune, half the time he sounds as if he's sobbing or crying or laughing or talking to himself... Certain words and phrases he runs with, holds onto, drags out until they're drained of all emotion. So why is it i find myself moved beyond tears by this live recording of one man and his shabby old acoustic? Why is it i find myself unable to listen past the savagely direct 'Gary's Song' or the cutting 'Outside This Bar' without wanting to break up every last bottle in this damn flat...'
So. They've reformed. They've played live (To astounding reviews) again). They have an album due out later in the year. And they're touring fully later in the year also. Here's a website to keep you informed: AMC. Do yourself, and them, a favour. Treat yerself. Go see. My band has returned. It's a beautiful world.
4 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
AND they have a song called 'Jenny' which is almost the same as 'Janey'...
THanks for the chat yesterday, dearie. All my self-doubt faded. i'm very happy. (WEll as "happy" goes).
If it were possible i'd give you an enormous hug. And good chocolate. And wine.
In fact: Choccies and wine for everyone! (No you can't have white wine! This is a sophisticated site! Pshaw!)(And none of that wussy milk chocolate, neither!)
(Ok, you can have the white wine, provided you add some creme de cassis to it).
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
You're a canny boy! Have you looked at the price of the AMC album you recommended on Amazon.com 2nd hand? $40-$50????!!! Must be some album...
I used to love me Melody Maker back in the days of old when rivalry with the turgid NME was rife, and Sounds languished unloved and unwanted on newagent's shelves...J/xx
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
can't seem to be able to email u,
check my blog and i'll post the html for the linkage thing in a comment
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Yeah, i can't believe how bad the NME is these days. Wouldn't surprise me if it goes the same way as the MM and what a huge load of arsy bollocks that became before it died. swear it took me less than five minutes to read by the end, and that's INcluding the adverts.
I notice now, that most of the old MM journalists are working for Uncut. That WOULD be a good mag, but for the one lengthy article every month about some faded rocker...although they redeemed themselves slightly this month by interviewing Robert Smith and talking about The Cure... incidentally, there's a track from AMCs new album on the coverdisk... although you can hear a streaming version of same on the official website.
Rob (um, Bob also?) dunno why ye couldn't email me, i just checked the addy on my profile an' 'tis correct. If i remember to, i'll send you my private email addy some time this week. Or something.
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11.7.04 | And The New Black. Is Black. (An Analogy for the Emperors New Clothes).
I was bored with the old look, although i liked the txt more (It seemed prettier for a start)... i'll probably change it back again, when i get bored of this one, too... Personally i think the wonderful Tam's new look is something to aspire to... Even if she's not quite finished it yet.
There's a lot i want to say today, but just haven't got the energy. Sorry gentle reader. I've just sunk into a particularly low ebb.
normal services will resume... umm, soon-ish.
Instead, here's a poem by my favourite poet:Philip Larkin
Not apologizing if it spoils yer day. You can not click the link... You have that choice...
We are... borne through life by the choices we make. Some people... are blessed... with luck and good judgement. The rest of us merely find... that the people we become... are the people we wanted to be, and are... disappointed. Others find they are a long way from the people they wished themselves, yet some are content.
And at the end, the final exhale of breath, on turning to view the highways and byways, the decisions at crossroads, the perils and the joys of our journey, we find ourselves surprised that there is but one road from death to birth. And back again.
Night-night, gentle reader. See you in the morning.
4 comments :.
Jessie hollered thusly:
Thanks for the poem, lovely. And what a stylin' template you have there!
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
And Aponia finds herself most prevalent in the darkness of the night when we are tormented by what could have been. Perhaps we should judge our lives less by our 'achievements' in monetary / materialistic form, but by the type of character we have and the pleasure we give other people. Your musings give me pleasure, so let that be one small seed of happiness that can blossom into something comforting.
The poem touched me. Touched on so many levels it's difficult to articulate.
Sending you rainbow hewed hugs, complete with little chocolate figures filled with strawberry filling that melt and...er, we'll not add the end bit on a public blog!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
aww! Well can you email it to me in private, then?
}=p
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10.7.04 | How Odd...
...My profile and utterly handsome piccie have emmigrated to the bottom of the page.
"Oi!- Piccie! Get yer arse back up here now!
Umm, anyone know how to repair blogs? Anyone good at disciplining errant piccies?
Big snog for the first reply!
Small peck on the cheek if you come second...erm, or happen to be male.
Hah!
Third place gets a flirty glance
The Wooden Spoon prize gets me singing my rendition of The Cure's "Boys Don't Cry". On helium
3 comments :.
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
in the template near to the heading that says profile, try putting align=top somewhere, can't offer more than that, i suck at html
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
how odd, when the comments are up it's at the top
:S
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Coolio. Muchas something or other.
And the peck on the cheek, ladies and gentlemen goes to:... Opens golden envelope. Feigns stunned amazement, mixed with heart-stopping pleasure...
THE PRISONER!!!!!! YAaaayAYaYAYaaaYAayyy!
And unless anyone else posts, you win the wooden spoon, too...
Great! You come first AND last! Neat trick...
(Cuts to presenter on the periphery of the event;
"And we see The Prisoner taking a double-whammy of prizes tonight, for noble services to the world of Blog. This is the first time he has won the much coveted 'Delighted-peck-on-the-cheek-from-Saturnyne' award, and, from the strength of his work so far, we wouldn't be surprised to see him contending for many more, as and when they appear again... whenever that is...)
hm, as i'm now the last person so far to post in this bit, i may have to give myself the second prize... i hadn't thought of that... =)
(Back to the presenter then:
"But wait, ladies and gentleman, there seems to be some kind of scuffle happening to the right of the stage, as some masked intruder... appears to have stolen the prestigious Wooden Spoon... OHhhH!- THE INFAMY!!!!")
(Laughs out loud, with sheer delight)
Odear, this could run and run... let's see, shall we... (or maybe not)
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| Tree. Treee!!!! Tree. Treee-eee...
My Yggdrassil
Readers of Martin Scott's 'Thraxas' ironic fantasy novels, may well have come across the phrase "I'm as happy as an elf in a tree".
This is my tree. My Yggdrassil. This is rather a test with some of my photo work, and i'm afraid the quality of this blog image isn't of sufficient standard for me to smile too much about... mebbe i can do some more editing and see if i can improve it. Having said that, my ideal quality to show off would be about 100+ meg... larger than some of those porn films you like to download from Ka-zaa, eh, boys?
but fuck it! I don't give a damn. I like my tree.
PS. THank god for digital darkrooms.
10 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
I have a tree. It's a magnolia tree and gets pretty flowers, like butterfly wings. I'm divorcing my tree soon as I'm moving to a house where I can't have a tree. My life is suddenly bereft.
Tam hollered thusly:
My 'tree' recently got pulled up by the roots thanks to the Crazy Wind that swept through here. I had the dubious privilege of watching large men in ill-fitting pants haul the remnants of ol' Wooody away.
Sad times indeed, and yet I now have a better view of His Hotness, The Hot Nextdoor Neighbour's kitchen -- so I'm torn. Preservation vs Perversion: This time its personal.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Oo-er! I'm curently having a mexican stand-off with some of my neighbours. Everytime i have a look out the window, my neighbours (An attractive young couple), by some horrible coincidence seem to choose exactly the same moment to do the same. Our castles *cough* face each other across the street... instant, uncomfortable eye contact... it leaves me worrying that either A: they're right nosy bleeders or, B: They think i am.
For two years this has been going on. And we've never spoken... yet...
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
on a completely unrelated issue I now have an msn account and no idea how to use it. It's icky and I don't like.
anyway, it's teleute_angel if you want to get in touch, cos I don't know how!
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
1:trrrrrreee!
2: no it's a lampost
1:trrrrrreee!
2:NO it's a lampost!
1:trrrrrreee!
2:alright it's a bloody tree then!
whosoever can identify that wins a great prize! my unending slight admiration :)
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Bah! And no-one has said if they even like the picture or not.
(Stomps off in a petulant huff)
(THud thud thud)
"Ai don't have tew puht up with THIS.
"Ai aym an artist, dahlinks"
(Stomp stomp thud stomp)
"Nao, daon't even bother tew sai anything naow, dahlinks.It's tew late. Tew laaate, i tell yew!"
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
It may be too late to admire the elegance of the tree, but would it make you feel better if I asked you where it was a doorway too? Although the answer may be scary...
When I was a child I used to believe the inside of trees was biggr than the outside, and could comfortably house a family of four. I was a solitary child...
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
I don't remember saying it was a doorway to anywhere, darlin'?!
Hmm, yer a smart one, ye are...
I think it'd be best if i kept that one to myself for now. Matter of National Security and wotnot, :]. May-be la-ter...
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Just a note - since you turned your background black, the photo really stands out and looks very good - J/xx
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Yeah, it sure does. I rockkkk! (modestly, of course)
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9.7.04 | And Now: A completely irrelevant post about nothing
there you go.
(Although i'm damn sure this is gonna get edited at some point in the future. yes indeedy!)
(later)
hmm, i think this post is wot caused my profile to bugger off dahn to the bottom... mebbe if i put spaces between the headline words instead... i don't think it liked that "no space" stuff...
...it won't work, of course... still y'never know...
mlahh
(Note to self: learn this newfangled coding malarkey)
(Other note to self: Why oh why are you typing this out at 5am-ish in the morning? You'll regret it later. Pumpkin will tut if this post gets discovered. tThen you'll be sorry. Oyes.
0 comments :.
8.7.04 | The Saturnyne Discovers A New Ability (Or Re-discovers An Old One)
There you are. Sitting quietly in your castle.
(Interesting note Une: BTW to all foreign readers of this site, all us English live in castles. It's why England is such a fantastic place to dwell in. My own castle is quite modest... just the one moat... er' where was i? O'yeah).
So yer minding yer own business... mebbe havin' a quiet drink... or mebbe not if the neighbouring castles are having a scrumptious karaoke session.
(Interesting note Deux: The neighbourhood is now entirely bereft of cats. I know this because i was awakened the other night to the sound of all these lovely felines dragging suitcases up the backstreet complaining about the competition).
Anyway, to get back to the matter at hand. Yr cosy and chillin'. When there comes a loud persistent knocking at the door. Who is it, you wonder? Why it's a handy-dandy salesman come to inveigle his way into your house all ready with his contract for your eternal soul. What to do?
(Interesting note Trois: By salesman i also include those of a religious persuasion looking for converts, too. Now i always have a lot of time for discussions of a religious nature. A fact which may surprise some friends. I have to say all religious persons are as welcome in my house as anybody without a meat cleaver and chuckling cheerily... hmm, it's strange, but they never stay as long as i'd like... And paperboys looking for tips.. i always laughingly tell them foreplay is really important).
Well, i, Saturnyne have discovered the solution to the Unwanted guest. Quite by chance.
Y'see, as i am something of an insomniac these days, i often awake aftera miserable nights sleep with utterly groggy eyes... so i like to bathe them. So the other day i'm bathing my eyes, and there comes a knock at the door. Of course, being the polite one that i am, i answer the door...
Cool! it looks like Jehovah's Witnesses!
I open the door and smile at them in a friendly way. They look into my eyes, with what i assume is religious fervour.
"Hi guyyysss! How are you? Y'wanna sell me some of that G- What?What's the matter? Why, you look quite pale! Hey- Where are you going? Come back! I have nice biscuitssss! Oh dear... well maybe they remembered they left the gas on or something..."
It was then i realised that i was carrying the dish of (Nice warm) water that my eyes were still merrily swimming around in.
I convulsed with laughter droppng the dish in the process. My eyes bounced and swung madly around on their stalks like crazed bungee jumpers. Whooo! Blameh!-That can really make you dizzy.
I was so relieved. I thought they'd run screaming frenziedly away because i was naked.
7 comments :.
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
how highly amusing sir.
i just tell them that i'm gay
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Canadian? Brilliant!!! I have distant (very distant) relatives in... Toronto... i think...
If i didn't hate travelling... Canada would be very high on my list of places to visit *sigh*
Even if you had been American, i certainly wouldn't have held it against you. Even if you had been a right-wing Bush-junkie, i still believe that there could have been common ground to share...ahh, the optimist in me rears it's happy head once again... lol
THinking more on this, i think everyone should now go and read Harper Lee's "To Kill A Mockingbird" or at least see the film. Good and evil aren't so defined as some would have us believe...
And yeah, i am a fan of yer writing, and the way you think things through.
To The Prisoner... chuckled at that one... then recoiled with even more mirth, at the thought of sying it by accident to a double-glazing salesman.
Here's another idea: Answer the door- and politely say nothing, while smiling beatifically... it takes a lot o' self-discipline, though.... but it drives 'em nuts... lol
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Are we twinned at the brain? In my odyssy (spelling?) to read as many of the BBC's Top 100 as possible, I read 'To Kill a Mocking Bird'. And promptly declared it possibly the best book I'd ever read.
Mind, there is nothing can pursuade me to read 'Gone with the Wind' or 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' - am I being unecessarily harsh?
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Weird you should mention Captain Corelli's Mandolin... i thouht the same until the other week, when i noticed the lovely Pumpkin perusing it over coffee in Waterstones.
So i had a look at it... read the first few pages and decided there and then i must read it by the end of the year... even if i felt uncool doing so.
AS for the other book; methinks it's what fire was invented for.
And now: TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Just psyching myself up for my next topic of conversation).
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Well.....maybe I should purchase one of the three copies languishing in the Red Cross shop round the corner for a whole 50p...(CCM that is).
Gah...Fri night, sober and at home AGAIN....my life is a tragedy!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
well, i could have lightened yer evening up with scintillating conversation on MSN, but odear, someone doesn't have it. Tee-hee!
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Grrrrr.....I have fangs.
I will succumb to peer pressure and open an MSN account at some point today when not writing my dissertation....watch this space!
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| The Saturnyne Finds An Analogy For His Relationship With Mr. God
I've been playing this disgustingly addictive PC game these past few weeks. Some funky tactical arse (Yeah, i'm very good at tactical arse.) involving
politely declaring alliances in the medieval world before invading everyone and slaughtering everything in sight. Of course i chose to be the oh-so sophisticated English. Mainly because I get to mainly slaughter the French again, and again. And again. (Always good for a laugh, if yer English)and then have a nice cup of tea and biscuits afterwards amidst the corpses and loot.
It is of course the English thing to do, to Invade, then leave the invaded country in a delightful wreck, then come back and do it all over again when the natives have managed to recover. Iraq, in present day, is a very fine example of this, i'm sure you'll all agree. I'm also sorry to say that this disease seems to have been passed onto the Americans (Or rather the one's in power, who are essentially English offspring).
Anyway, going back to the game...It seems indicative of my relationship with God that the (game)Pope excommunicated me. Twice. Ok, maybe it didn't help that i invaded France. And Germany. And Spain. And Poland. And Switzerland (That'll teach 'em to be neutral! Hahahah!)Oh and Denmark, but only a little bit. But well, i ask you.... i rather think the Vatican was over-reacting... these religious types have no sense of humour, y'know.
It seems kinda appropriate to place this little quiz here. I was saving it for a rainy day. And of course this being England...
Thanks and big mwahs to Janey for this one:
Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?
Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons
1 comments :.
6.7.04 | The Saturnyne does it in Chinese. Ah, how?! (He's a groovy guy)
繁體中文。今天在我的譯者幫助下, 我刺殺其它語言。我的舌頭是更好更多崗位隨後而來, 在今後幾天當我感覺疲倦。我是偉大的在床! 仍然。
Honest!
(Smiles in the kind of calculated fun way that guarantees people walk across the street to avoid).
Gahh! I need sleep. Lots of nice lovely sleep. I not well. I can feel myself decomposing.
I really need to get a regular links column up on this blog soon...
6 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
May I wiggle my finger in your oozing eye socket?
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
OUCH! Oooh, yr so romantic!!
Er, only if i can slather my tongue through your brainfolds. (Heh! Even in death there is diversity)
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Diversity in decomposition, my kind of chap! Wolves = "The Wolves of Time" - another William Horwood epic to bring tears to the eyes. Literature really becomes sublime in the man's hands...
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
ps...just been reading concersation with a pumpkin...I LIKE Pumpkin. Especially curried with spinach.
happy veggie Janey...
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Aaaaah! You can't do that to Pumpkin!!! Pumpkins my bestest friend!!!
not read the "Wolves" one... i might have to go and root it out now
(From Waterstones in Manchester... the local area has rather a sparsity of bookshops ={ it's all terribly sad)
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
I am truely blessed...directly across the street from my shack (no castles here...) is a truely wonderful family owned bookshop where they will order anything in within a day. I'm their best customer (so my rewards card tells me!), and a short scuttle in either direction brings you to 3 magnificent second hand bookshops just crammed with gems to be smuggled out. Plus we have a huge second hand book fair (and records and tat) every Sunday just down the road, coupled with strong lattes and poached egg....a girl could spend her whole life wallowing!
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4.7.04 | Mmrph-rph! Rph-hmm Aa Grphhr Gghaah thaaangg ihh Mmhaa-aaghhss.
(Translates: Hello! Today i've got my tongue in bandages).
={
0 comments :.
2.7.04 | Head...
...ACHE! ArghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The day gets off to a bad start, when i'm eating cornflakes for my breakfast. Myyomm-nyommm-nyomchomp-crackkk!
"crackkk?????"
Wow!- That's a very hard piece of cornflake!
Uh-oh!
Gingerly i send my tongue out on a search party, to probe for any survivors.
Uh-oh!
My tongue returns to inform me, in a somewhat bloodied (Yet touchingly heroic) state, that there's suddenly a very sharp object in my mouth.
And there seems to be pain.
(God!- Not pain! Not painnnn. not "toooth painnnn". I just want to have a happy untroubled life, being at one with nature, the birds and beasts eating untroubled from my hand. The other will probably be alternating between holding a bottle of nice red wine... or white mixed with creme de cassis so it doesn't taste shit.... and a good book... probably written by James Branch Cabell or the hillarious Steve Aylett. The odd butterfly, landing on my shoulder... ahhh... bliss... singing little songs... lalala la la, la-la... oh well... back to the real world...)
Fearing the worst, i reach for the mirror, which i always keep to hand, just to remind how very beautiful i am... oh all right i trudge to the bathroom like everyone else probably does.
It's not pretty. My rear molar has cracked. A large piece of the enamel coating has somehow broken right off... revealing the softer stuff beneath it. Also leaving the remaining enamel with a viciously razor sharp edge... which my tongue keeps playing chicken with.
OUchy! Not Toothy pain AND tonguey pain!
Melodramatically i go into shock. This will ruin my stunning good looks and charming smile forever.
I.
Will.
Be.
Unkissable.
Noooooooooooooooooo!
For the rest!
Of my life!
Nooooooooooooooooooo-etc.-ooooooooooooooooo!
And i loove kissing! I'd snog a badger if it looked at me so much as coquettishly!
All that yummy, sexy saliva will be lost now.
Like tears in the rain.
(Sorry for the Blade Runner parody there. Couldn't resist).
How will i explain to all the beautiful mademoiselles... that i am... maimed? Mebbe forever?
Oops! Got a little bit carried away there. Ok. NOW we're back in the real world.
So.
Ring dentist. Actually, that should be: Ring pathetic excuse for a dentist.
I have to wait until Monday.
Noooooooooooo-moreofthesame-ooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
I might be dead by then!
(I should point out here to any women/ladies/femmes/other-nouns who have been kind enough to read this blog, that men are contractually obliged to become whimpering jelly-type-things at even the slightest contact with pain. Even imagined pain. It's probably something to do with never having to endure the cosy pleasures of childbirth. I dunno).
AND this stress has now given moi a migraine! poor pathetic creature that i am. Hence the title of this blog, and the all-consuming pain i must endure to bring you my wisdom. (Stop laughing, back there!)
Right, well i'm off to write my will. Love to you all. Perhaps we can meet again in happier times. *sob* (Waves hankie tearfully)
Just joking. I'll be right back with more of my iconoclastic views later.
("Did he just say 'Iconoclastic', then"?
"I thinks so, yeah"
"Strange... d'you think he knows what it means"?
"Probably not".)
14 comments :.
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Ouch! My dear boy, however will you cope with this great pain inflicted upon your delicate and most illuminating of mouth pieces...
I suffered a similar fate at the hands of a choc chip cookie recently, made the appointment of pain, trolled up to be told that my dentist had had just thrown himself of the Tyne Bridge (this is all true...). Needless to say the thought of hitting cold concrete quickly aleiviated (how DO you spell that?) the pain, and I was eventually attended to 3 months later, having spent the time agonising over my snaggle tooth and lack of loveliness.
I found copious amounts of red wine help numb the pain? And despite advancing age, I'm sure that you are still truely desirable my dear!
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
ok, ok, I've read many a strange fetish / obesession on profiles but....digestive systems??! Explain please!
And can I just take this moment to compliment your excellent taste in literature (with the exception of Mil Millington!).
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
*** and with wine soaked lips she leaned forward to bless the man who lay in supplication before her, not even she oblivious to the fey charm of the corn flake snaggler that gave willingly to the errant tooth fairy....
and with that I'll go and let others comment on your blog!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Y'know, i think that's some of the nicest things said to me in ages. At least, that i haven't paid for.
I think i shall swoon forevah! The Eternal Swoon!
(I wonder if that would feel like one big rollercoaster drop?)
So did your dentist spot you coming, then? Hum-hum... makes me wanna write a song about it: "The Sudden Deceleration Trauma Dentist", would be an apt title.
AND you like red wine! (more swooning)
AND ch-ch-ch-chocolatte! (WE're gonna swoon like we've nevah swooned before!- Oh hang on... what kind of chocolate? Nothin' doin' unless you have at least a tiny appreciation of the... Dark Side... mmm... Darth Chocolate...
I see you spotted the digestive system thing... lol, well i'll explain in good time. Good job i took Lion-Taming off the list. AND badger-baiting- to wit: "OI badger! Do you know who your mum is? All the other woodland animals laugh at you behind your back!... Yes, even the moles!"
And so on...
BTW way, while i trawled through lotsa other peoples blogs, who shared similar interests, i got drawn towards yours cos you were the only other person who like William Horwood.
I should like to add here, that every blog i've posted on so far has given a very fabulous response in return. AND they've all been really cool blogs to read... and so very different from each other, too.
One thing i've just realized though. So far i haven't found any cool blogs run by guys (Unless we're all faking our id's lol). There must be some, surely? Or maybe i just find women's writing more interesting generally... perhaps the guys all like to talk about shooting things and games and porn? And sport. Bollocks to that! The most i can manage to say on any sporting topic is about three sentences! They usually go: Great game/run/other athletic crap. Wasn't it a Good/bad performance by whoever... and i can't think of another one.. so that's TWO! TWO!!!!
I'm going to bed now. blehhh. teeeth...
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
Personally I think its divine retribution over you bugging God for £600 last week. That'll teach you.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Blehh! I don't care anymore. I'VE got chocolate 'n' wine flavoured people "blessing me" instead.
(smugsmugsmug)
(THat's smugsmugsmug in the style of that old cartoon character who hugs themselves and practically floats off the ground going "Mmm-mmm! Mmm-mmmm-mmm!")
(Any idea which one that might be?- O' cartoon guru?)
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
Alright so you're doing Muttley impressions, don't think that's going to save you.
For as it is written in the book of St. Herman (somewhere in the middle) :
"Yeah though the lord is merciful yet will he not listen to the crys of the people ? And lo he said unto them "Yes, but don't go bugging me for money because we're on a budget here, if I get one more scrounging git coming round here I'll make all their teeth fall out.""
That's why Big Issue sellers have terrible oral hygiene.
On the subject of online blogs/journals :
Megatokyo - http://www.megatokyo.com/index.php?strip_id=579
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
I have a mole fetish. And I'm partial to a fit wolf...
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
???!!!???
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
William Horwood m'dear...
Slightly moley-orientated
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Mmm moles!
Steyn rix in thine herte, marvellous miss...
Y'know, i wish he'd finished it with the third book. I was disappointed with the later one's.
The Stonor Eagles is a beaut, too.
...and the wolf bit? :)
Ginger Doll hollered thusly:
Take me to Bablock Hythe now baby!
'The wolves of time' by Wm Horwood - fab!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Carl (Pedantic is my middle name) is right?!?!?! You can't say that!!! HE'll be insufferable now! (AS if he wasn't already. lolol)
Still, as far as suffering goes, i'm sure he could tell you a thing or two about pleasures to be found in my company. :} (Cya this weekend Carl. Prepare to suffer).
And of course i'd never seriously pray to God fer money. Actually my prayers mighta bin answered the other day... won £20 on the lottery, according to my folks... i think i heard deity like laughter somewhere...
Marlene hollered thusly:
Dear saturnyne
you´re a good example of the fact that what is good is good and that´s it. We have nothing in common, I suppose, But i love what you write.
Woman in the well
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1.7.04 | Yup, the last post i completely deleted; sorry you missed it : |
Well it wasn't going anywhere on the first bit... Just a "hey there" to a friend who said he kept reading this blog. Lol, some people really are masochists...
And the first comment was rather rude and ungracious, despite having a little merit here and there. (THank-YOU DLW).
And while i thought my reply was good, it was a reply, and woulda looked odd on it's own. Mebbe it needs it's own post.
So DLW. I've decided this. If yer wanna pass criticism, or even any kind of comment on my blog; Then please do it when ye've got yer own and a profile to go with it. You could even call it the "Anti-Saturnyne Page" if you must. Anything...
Until then, regretfully, i shall delete any future posts you make in your anonymous way, as i feel it's not in keeping with the spirit of the Lounge. If i wanted anonymous comments, i really would've set it up for that.
I really hope i never find out who you are...
*sigh*
I hate having to speak like this...
2 comments :.
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
Ooooooooh I missed it, was it good ?
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
nah, it were crap!
I said "Hi Carl, you still reading this... stuff"
(I see you are. Still no life,then?)
mentioned DLW in passing
THEN:
DLW came and passed "judgement". Anonymously as usual.
So i said. Nice things.
Then i thought about it some more.... thought "Bloody cheek!"
Deleted the post... which annoyed me immensely... and posted this one.
Tchah! blatant anonymity! Some peeps! THey could at least have made the effort to pretend to be somebody. easy enough.
Profile: I like: Blood, livers and squelching noises, wallpaper and modern art, trees and chainsaws, sodomy and (Insert famous name of your choosing here)... well, you get the idea.... not hard to do. Just pick something that goes together with something else... erm... was that too much information for anybody... lololol
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This is a world full of people who ignore, abuse and distrust one another. However, within this you have given humour, support, warmth and fun.
If you truely wish to be alone, then I send you much love, but if you choose to join us again, you can be sure of a warm reception.
Janey/xx
Well, shit. :(
be sure to look us up, even if you're all blogged out, and at least you got one thing out of this, a new found likeing of the barbs!
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