29.1.16 | dark rooms
I found this in my drafts... first it was about one person, then another... now it's about several people. All people.
What do you do, when you have given everything to try and heal someone of their grief and sadness and they scorn your efforts in the end and begin to blame you for their woes?
What do you do when this person is dear to you? When you have been there for them through death and joy and pain? When they tell you how sad they are, then in the next breath that there is nothing wrong with them and even begin to accuse you of making them ill?
What do you do in the quiet moments when you are left with too much time to think, when you hear them keening in grief in all your waking hours and in your dreams, too. Yet find them completely happy without you and getting on with their life and leaving you far behind them? When they had held you to your promise never to abandon them, then abandon you instead?
When your own time seems far shorter than you had imagined it to be and you want resolution and to see them one last time, for you both to know that there is still a bond of love between you. For them to see you as you are and you to see them as you imagine they are... and they... are completely without empathy? What do you do when faced with that? When you know there is something wrong inside them, but fear at the last that you are making it worse?
The Pumpkin would say there are people in her care who completely reject that they are ill in any way and that i should not take this so personally. That my friend cannot be help'd by me without a great deal of anguish on my part. And even then, still cannot be help'd. That i should let go of this.
I am not very good on abandoning people. I would rather die than leave someone behind, without trying everything. I have tried everything. There are only empty rooms here now, that i pace to and fro between, anxiety creasing my brow.
I would just like it all to stop now. I have forgotten how to be happy.