9.8.09 | Why God Fearing Americans Should Fear The NHS

"I say bartender chap, when i ordered a stiff drink, i wasn't expecting to be handed one you could plant a bleedin' flag in!"

Nurse 1: "Tee hee"

The Saturnyne adopting best leer: "Do you come here often, daaahlin'?"

Nurse 2 thinking quickly: "Every day"

The Saturnyne: "Sooo. You actually want me to swallow this radio-active jizz, do you?"

Nurse 2: "No, we want you to swallow this bicarbonate of soda, so you'll feel decidedly gassy and bloated, then swallow the radio-active jizz, which is incidentally the product of elephants. Gay elephants. And hopefully you'll acquire a taste for being gay and all things manly, or possibly elephantly because that is the secret agenda of the UK National Health Service, which we hope to export to the poor unknowing redneck fools of the USA and turn the entire population queer! And possibly commie at the same time. At the very least, men will like gay elephants more, for sure! BwaHAAAHAHaaahahaaaaa!"

Nurse 1: "And while you're swallowing our gay jizz, we'll be standing behind this lead proof screen, and irradiating the shit out of your body with x-rays to give you cancer, because you don't look nearly gay enough for our liking."

The Saturnyne: "Ni-iice. Should be piss-easy, then."

(Time passes)

Nurses 1 and 2: "Mr Saturnyne? Mr Saturnyne? Are you feeling ok? You looked like you were going to faint there for a moment. Are you ready to take a sip of your Barium Meal?

The Saturnyne: "Wha? Uh? Oh right... you didn't say anything about elephants just then, did you, lovely nurse persons? Also... "meal"? Buckets of elephant jizz is a meal now?"

Nurses look at each other bemused: "Er no. We're ready to take your x-ray when you are, Mr Saturnyne"

The Saturnyne: "Right then. Yummy. Bottoms up".

Nurses quietly to themselves: "BwaHAAAHAHaaahahaaaaa! Our evil plan is working. He sounds gay already"

So you see, America... the NHS is an evil commie conspiracy to turn all the men of your country into gay, commie loving, surrender monkeys. Who possibly eat cheese. Gay cheese. Resist now, while you have breath in your body! Resist!!!

And last month, they had me deep-throating a long tube with a camera on, into my stomach. And you wouldn't believe the amount of gas that causes! Tip: if youever find yourselves undergoing this procedure you should definitely concentrate on breathing... otherwise you'll be having 15 minutes of near panic with a tube inside you that could cause damage if you try and pull it out... even worse if you suddenly wonder if you're being indoctrinated into Dorothy Friendship!

Next up: The anal probe! I shall resist on your behalf, My American friends! Wish me luck!


PS: Oh, and the hospital gowns!- i forgot to mention how "sexy" and backless they are. I praise the day Mr CK started making his saucy boxers, or i'd have been standing there, flashing unromantic y-fronts, and hairy calves, with just my South Park socks to give me comfort in an awkward situation... to slightly quote that nice Mr Wodehouse "While not exactly being disgruntled, he was quite a long way from being gruntled"


  10:35 am :. Blogger Ginger Doll hollered thusly:

Re: camera and stomach - I took the drugs. Lotsa drugs and bloody good they were too! Then I ate an entire packet of Rich Tea biscuits and spent the following 24hrs barfing...

Good to hear from you lovely boy.

Take care, GD xx

  8:58 am :. Anonymous Terri hollered thusly:

Just what sort of drugs were you on...?!
Gotta love those gowns.

ps I'm not American. Hope you don't mind me gatecrashing.

  4:11 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

lovely, doll... you conjure such romantic times....

and Terri, yes i mind! (but only in the nicest possible way ofc...)


  4:15 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Oh yeah, and no drugs for Mr Saturnyne... and incidentally the conversations were all true... i really did say those things, much to the hysteria of the 2 nurses and the evil x-ray machine operator. And they told me i was the most entertaining and polite patient they'd ever given cancer to.

I would have bowed, but i fear my gown would have revealed far too much for good taste at that point... pity i wasn't wearing a cap, though. I could have doffed it.


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