21.6.06 | Birds, Beasts and Relatives
I know. I know...You've all been wondering where i've been? Why it's taken me ages to write another post?
(Er... Hello? Anyone left? I can see chickens over in the corner, but beyond that... )
So anyway... it's Gods fault. And here are the reasons:
First, he sent an invading army of rats under the floorboards of my house. We knew it was rats, cos suddenly all the mice fucked off and stopped getting remorselessly killed by our traps. Then the bastards started leaving tips in the poison trays! Et all the poisoned food and probably wrote articles about the "Hot new Rattie Diner in town" in all the rat blogs and papers. We peeked under the floorboards one day with torches and a hundred pairs of eyes shone back at us from the darkness...
I swear they were grinning. I'm less sure that i saw them hurriedly hiding dining tables, plates and cutlery from my sight...
We had no choice but to use napalm and hand-grenades. Even though there were a few gas pipes down there.
And next, after leaving dozens of casually decomposing ratty corpses beneath the house. (Christ, what a stench)
There was the cat.
LIved next door. Cute bundle of fur. Purrs like a train drawing into a siding. Thuds and howls like a cat thudding and howling if you test the size of your room using old proverbs and sayings...
We loved da cat! Da cat loved us! Da cat also had about a million, zillion, trillion fleas. They loved us also. Filthy, disgusting, hoppy bastards!
Lemme tell ya about fleas. They share a similar life-cycle to butterflies, which is cute. Eggs = larvae = chrysalis = hoppy bastard. Which is less cute. Oh and the larvae like to crawl around in your carpet, eating anything they find, even the adult flea poo! There are things to kill and exterminate them in the carpets and on yr poor scratching pets... but they're at their most evil when they're in their chrysalis... it's immune to most pesticides, and opens when it senses vibration nearby (Christ!- it's like those alien pods in, er, Alien)... vibration like you walking past... or your pet rolling around. Cue many ankle bites...
You can't drown fleas in water. They get little oars out and have a swim around. Laughing in your face too, probably.
You can't squash them with your hands. They have hard little carapaces... kinda like miniature tanks that hop and bite.
So it's back to the grenades and napalm again... every day.
And if God hadn't invented rats, fleas (other parasites also) and pigeons, then we'd all be very happier. So thank-you God. You bastard.
(Feel free to add to my list of hated living things in the comments below)
On another note, it was the anniversary of my dads stroke. So we've all been a bit miserable around here recently. That it happened on the morning of my folks 40-something'th wedding anniversary, is yet another pointer to the sheer malevolence and insanely dark humour of the big G. If He/She even exists of course...
Oh and it's screamingly hot here. And more humid than a glass of water. I am melting with alarming rapidity. I can't imagine how bad it must be to live in permanently hot and humid countries...
PS: Oh and i'm sure the cat is working for the CIA, as it seems to be blithely assassinating everything in the area...
14.6.06 | Blog?
I'm sure i had a blog around here somewhere... now, lesssee... hmm hmm hmm!
Oh here it is!
Hmm, looks a bit dusty.
I'd better give it a quick brush down, and freshen it up.
There you go.
*Writes few words*
That'll have to do for today. I'm in a frenzy of house-cleaning. My folks are due back from their holidays, and the place looks a bit of a dump.
Gah! I'm so unfit! Even lifting this duster is almost intolerable!
(Sooo weeeakkk! Soooo weeeeakkkkkkk!)
(And in the meantime, while you wait for my next post with breath all held...
Here is some music
Get it while it's hot! Who knows how long it will last...)