27.4.05 | Time For Flowers
Nothing to say today. So I offer you some nice flowers instead. Photographed by my very own hand, no less. Using real, old fashioned film, too! Click the image 'n' see the grain!
Carnations aren't my fave flowers by any stretch. but they DO make interesting shapes in black and white. Or tinted a little.
Carnation in Blue
Carnation In Not-blue
And thass all for today. I may throw another flower at ya later this week. All romantic, like. Or i may not. It depends if you've all been very good boys and girls or not. If you've been bad, then it's garrottings all round, i'm afraid. Or a withholding of cakey-things. Cruel i know, but i'm only doing it because i loooove you.
23.4.05 | Piss Off Tony! (And Take That Fackin' Vampire With You!)
Yaay! 'tis political rant time! Anyone who can't be arsed reading about politics, can ignore the rest of this post and take the strangely accurate (for me) What Mood Are You In Quiz which i found while perusing the obviously-gorgeous Stella's Weblog. Yaay Stella!
Meanwhile... on with the bollocks!
Ah, it's election time once again in The Sceptred Isle. A time of great celebration and cheeriness (Honest!- Would i lie to you? Oh all right, yes i would.) as the "Great British Public" (laugh bitterly here) exercises its right to vote for whichever party has the biggest bribes, and is most desperate for power. And it's also a time for the Grate British Blogger (wave flag with ironic patriotism here) to take the piss somewhat. Particularly amusing to me these past couple of days, have been Scary Duck's infamous blog and Herge's er, greeny looking blog, who found his way to my comments recently. Herge is also a friend of that great british artist, Anthony Gormley... which is about as close to fame as i'll get.... Except1...
Generally speaking though, i expect that "Great British Public" will instead exercise it's right to go out and get mightily pissed in order to ignore a very limited choice and thus having to sigh themselves into a fit of deep depression over a result which verily fucks us all in the arse good and proper... again... oh, except for the rich.
I shall be voting. And here today, in a vain and desperate and (let's be frankly honest, quite pathetically inconsequential) attempt to cast some influence on these elections, i shall be saying why it won't be for that nonce, Tony or the failed undead, Michael.
But first of all, let's have a little questionnaire for the undecided's here amongst us, and see where i stand.
Props to Starbuck and Astolath, who's sites i found this on:
Who should I vote for?
Your expected outcome:Liberal Democrat
Your actual outcome:
|Liberal Democrat 90|
|UK Independence Party 5|
You should vote: Liberal Democrat
The LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.
Take the test at Who Should You Vote For
Yup. I'm Liberal. No doubt about it.
So why not vote for Tony and New Labour? Gee, less 'ave a look, shall we?
1. Dentists: As of last month, i have no fucking NHS dentist. No more free dental care... something which us Brits have been accustomed to since the fifties. This is because our so kind New Labour government has decided that they won't pay them a decent rate to treat me (Oh and everyone else, obviously... but i don't know them) Our Beloved Leader/Vicar says he's gonna get us more "But it takes time". I say, "So why not pay the current ones what they deserve, like, y'know, you used to? Problem solved!" (Answer: "Er...").
2. PFI: (Private Finance Initiative) A scheme whereby private companies are paid shitloads of taxpayers cash, at grossly inflated rates, to treat the publics health and education and transport as cheaply and shoddily as possible. Well done, Tone! We're all impressed by that.
3. Trains: Ahahahahahahahahahaha! Dear "Visitor-to-our-country" see PFI above. And don't ever travel in the U.K. by train. Don't travel by bus either, 'cause they're shite, too.
4. Iraq: The Dear Leader really would like us to forget that we were taken to war via a web of lies and gullibility. An illegal war in which thousands of people of all creeds and colour have died and still die, for the most part in horrific circumstances. God, Tony, if that'd been me, i'd've resigned there and then, done the decent thing and descended into alcoholism, drug abuse and eventual suicide. a wasted vagrant hiding under a beard on the Capitals streets.
But not you. You probably sleep completely at ease with your righteous, yet concerned, expression upon your face. Oh, and that's another thing... that same fuckin' concerned-like you -really-are-listening-man(!) expression you adopt when listening to someone voicing their grievances to you. It' sooo fuckin' fake. Fake! Stop it! After Iraq, we're just not that gullible anymore. Desperate for anyone but the Tories, yes. but not gullible. You got that? No? Yes?
5. Mental Health: Fuck right off, Tony! Your right-wing approach to disability in this country very nearly killed one of my best friends. She came very close to losing her flat, her mind and her life. And that, more than anything here, is why i will never forgive you, and forever hate you.
6. And last but not least. The BNP (A fascist party. Like the Nazis. Yup). If this government hadn't betrayed so many of its promises, the BNP would still remain on the very fringes of society, and mocked by all decent citizens. But nooo... here in my own Harle Syke, ordinary folks voted for this party in local elections out of sheer desperation with Da Government's betrayals and now we have several on our town council. It's s shame that stains this town to this very day. (Anyone wanting to protest against these ultra right-wing predators go here, here and here. Anyone living and voting in Harle Syke and Burnley, i would also urge to visit these sites. Go on. They might have pictures of cute kittens on them! Although probably not).
And now, the reason why i won't be voting for Mickey Howard: He was part of Thatch's government and is obviously a vampire and in league with the Forces of Darkness. Obvious really. Duh!
And that's all for now, o-blessed reader. Hope that wasn't too painful for ya. Rest assured, i did my best to be entertaining by juggling babies and chainsaws every minute of typing this blog
Addendum Moment Once Again: Just found a very entertaining political blog, having read about it in todays Guardian. Here it is: Chicken Yoghurt There's several excellent links on the site, too. I'm full of envy.
1 I once had a small encounter with a celeb... details... eventually...
19.4.05 | Today...
...The Saturnyne Bombs Da Crap Outta Yer!!!
"Rain mayhem on your favourite site, with this
amusing online toy. Type in the web address and
select the method of destruction from the pull-down
menu. About as close as you'll get to Ming the
Merciless's now-legendary control panel."
So i did!
Muhahahahahahahaha...hah! Muhahahaha... etc...hahahahah! This Evil Genius lark is a doddle.
Here's some samples of my destruction:
First i spilt coffee on you. Oops!- How clumsy! Tut tut!
Then i summoned a fleet of flying saucers to zap yours. Ooh, i bet those rays burn a bit... but don't worry, it was all for er... charity... or something...
Then i did my Noah and God Anniversary Tribute on You... (But it was reaally all about my envying you for seeing my hero when i can't)(Goddamn!)(Also: Why don't we ever get "flood" anniversary t-shirts and mugs, eh?)
Then i noticed that your blog had got mouldy from lack of use... although it's since got better... Yaay! But let that be a warning to you!
After that i saw you were celebating your blogs second birthday... So i dropped a few nukes on it to celebrate with yer. I also gave it worms... but we won't show the wormy pics... they were a bit yecchy!
More celebrations... i invited a few dinosaurs around to yours to help you celebrate yr Stag weekend and forthcoming wedding... Consider it a gift... no really!- No expense spared! And who'd have known... their colour quite matches!
And then i discovered that your blog had gotten quite overgrown... y'must have had weeds or somethin'...
...to this... in mere seconds. Disgraceful! Get a mower in! Hee!
I also destroyed several other blogs... over the course of a few pleasant and fun-filled minutes... but i began to think it was getting a bit "picture overkill" around here so stopped showing the damage.
(But if anyone wants to see what i did to their blog, then ask away and i'll update this post with more pics of evilness.)
Now get yer bloody revenge!
Shoot zer Saturnyne! Here!
12.4.05 | Best Mr Man in the World. Evah!
During the course of one of our wild and rambuctious Yahoo tri-conversations* some time ago, Tam and i found ourselves making Mr Men on some website or other (No i can't be arsed to go and find it for you... i'm being lazy today. Try Google or something. Off you pop.)
Anyway, it seems i took a snapshot of mine using Hello. I stumbled across the pic today while sorting through my image archive...
I see him as a kind of transvestite hard nut Mr Man, who'd just as soon stomp on your pretty face with his glam "fuck-you-up" boots, as share make-up tips. Or mebbe both at once.
I think my fave other Mr Man was Mr Jelly. I identified with him a lot. I would have liked Mr Messy, too. but The Man got him and tidied him up. Splitters!
And did anyone see the telly progs? As narrated by the wonderful Arthur Lowe? They were even better than the books... *sigh*
Right, i've had enough of this reminiscing bollocks! I must be getting old. Next post, i'm gonna blow yer blogs up... oyes. See if i don't!
Addendum Bollocks The Prisoner found the place where we make Mr Men. Props to him for finding it again. But minus a zillion for reminding me why i didn't go back after clicking onhis link... that voice.
Tiny Appendix Thing
*meaning to have three conversations on the go at once. With each other. They'd be the stuff of legends if anyone published them... especially for the awful spelling...
7.4.05 | Haiii- YAH! (Part Three: Lost In Translation)
So here we are.
The final post at last...
(thank feck fer that... i was starting to get bored)
As you might deduce from my two previous posts, i grew up being immensely fond of cinema from The Orient...alternately being delighted and awestruck at the subtleties of films like Rouge and Light The Red Lantern, then the all-out fightfests, war and mysticism of respectively, Mr Vampire, Ran and Hero... not to mention the occasional ultraviolence of such films as Hard Boiled and Battle Royale etc. I love 'em all!
I took da Pumpkin to see Hero at the flicks, ya know. Well, dragged... and she... didn't quite hate every minute... but she puts up with it cos i'm adorable or something.
"Great film!", i enthused all the way home to my long suffering Pumpkin... "Quite, quite beautiful! Heroic, too, would ya know! I say, Pumpkin!- wake up! Wasn't it a great film?!? Wasn't it?!?!"
Pumpkin might well have been a bit poorly at this point, i think, for she rolled her eyes and groaned a lot during my enthusement... something she ate, perhaps?
One of those films that one puts down in ones "must get" list for DVD's and such. Wow! We could watch it over and over!
So when it came out, i obviously bought it. Obviously.
... Unfortunately, Pumpkin happened to claim to be busy/ill/practising yogic calming techniques (Said the latter was necessary in order to prevent violent murders or something) on all the weekends i suggested we could watch it.
So alas, i ended up watching it alone. And it was there, midway through my happy solitary viewing, that i really did discover the power of words. And one word in particular.
That word being "Yaaargh!" (give or take an Ay, Ar, Gee, and Haich)
There i was, happily enjoying the action. The action at this point being a rather pretty duel between the female leads in an autumnal leafy setting. And the younger one attacks with a warlike cry:
"Yaaargh!" She cried.
And then "Yaaargh!".She did it again!
"Yaaargh!". And again!
And then guess what? A bit later on in the film, when i'd just about recovered from my disbelieving laughter...
"But Mr The Saturnyne, sir!- how do you know it is spelt like that?" i hear you ask.
Subtitles! (imagine i'm saying this word today, with the look of one who has just eaten a bit out of an apple. An apple with half a maggot within. And i'm a person who finds subtitles most agreeable... at least before yummy alcohol has reduced my skills at reading. Do you ever get that? Trying to read something while drunk, only to find the words are being mischievous and having a bit of a dance party on the page?).
Now call me an old fusspot if ya don't like life, but somehow i don't think i need that word being spelt out for me in the subtitles below. Not even if i'm deaf. No really! I think it's plain for all to see the emotion the young lady is trying to convey as she tries to carve her mistress into dogfud, i really do. And if we start heading down that road, who's to stop us from adding other sound effects to other films? fer example:
Violent moves would have words like "Skutch!" and "Shrikt!" added. Romantic couples running through ocean waves (or moody moonlit puddles) would have "Splish! Splash!" thrown nonchalanlty into them. Porn films, too... usually preceded by "Urgh! Ughhh!" Perhaps the odd "Sploosh" and "Shlipt" might crop up in there, too. I could go on, but i reckon yer get my drift by now...
Pathetic. And absurd. Totally ruined the film for me. I couldn't help but giggle at all the seriousness after that... I say sack these inept translators! I might also say, sack the dubbing guys on Crouching Tiger, as well. Cos i really don't think American accents suit the scenery, y'know. (No disrespect to my beloved Americky friends, btw).
Right. god knows what i'm gonna blog about next... i fear i may have some ridicule to throw upon Mr Popes funeral... but i fear rather more that i will have a few choice words to say about Mr Blair and other politicians regarding our forthcoming elections here in the U.K. I have a bone to pick with him...
4.4.05 | Haiiii YAH! (Part Two: In Which The Saturnyne Explores The Esoteric Wisdoms of the Water Margin)
"Do not despise the serpent for being legless. For who is to say that he will not buy you a nice big drink later?"
"A pub with cheap vodka is worth more than a pebble without imperfections."
When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other. Or alternately, a nice big drink of something yummy and alcoholic."
- Chinese proverbs as interpreted by The Saturnyne
Another, even better telly series from The Orient, was The Water Margin. As fun as Monkey was, this was war! Nine dozen heroes fighting heinous tyranny from their fortress in the water margins of Liang Shan Po. Plots! Counter-plots! Character development! Kickass swordfights and battles! Even the opening credits have a big fuckoff battle! Yowsa!
And every episode had a really cool proverb you could carry away with you to reflect on, then spout off in weird moments of gibberish to all your school chums in a vain attempt to seem cool and "wise beyond your years". For some reason still unknown to me, i always seemed to fail at that one. More often than not sounding "stupid beyond my years" instead. Can't think why...
Thinking back on it all now, one can see these programmes and others like them as early forerunners of the modern day martial arts movie epic. Stuff like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hero.
The theme tune for this show began "dum da dum, da dumdum" repeated a few times. It sounded kinda cool and tense.
The final part of this "truly thrilling" extended post (In which i will make a bitter denouncement, no less!) will be posted sometime this week. After that- more bollocks. Yaay! Mebbe even some otters and squirrels. And pumpkins. gotta have me some pumpkins somewhere! I just gotta!
Please don't faint with excitement. Thank-you.
1.4.05 | Haiii-YAH!!!! (part one)
Harold Lloyd was this extraordinary slight bespectacled silent-age comedian doing these outrageous and very dangerous stunts and i would sit there gobsmacked with tea quite forgotten marvelling at his sheer ingenuity and unassuming and quite totally heroic escapades which were also damned funny on many occasions... (Ok, you can breathe in now, i lost my commas there for a moment)
Just thinking about this stunt gives me the heebie-jeebies!
The title song on these programmes began something like "Make way for Harold lloyd! Ya-da,dada-da-daa-DAH!"
A pair of glasses and a smile!
...Then i would continue to be gobsmacked. By the incredible Magic Wishing Staff wielding Monkey spirit, his pet cloud, and his two sidekicks, Sandy (A water-spirit-monster) with the permanently put-upon expression, and the lascivious and vulgar Pigsy (A pig-spirit, obviously. Keep up, you at the back!) as they guided the androgynous looking monk, Tripitaka (a monk)(Ho-ho) on his way to retrieve some sacred scrolls of enlightenment.
Or maybe it was just some nice sauce recipes they wanted, to go with their noodles. I dunno, i don't think they ever got there in the end... wherever it was... India or somesuch place...
So obviously, said scrolls were located thousands of miles away. Otherwise it'd only have been a couple of episodes long. Nowadays of course, they'd just order them from Amazon.com and spend the next five million episodes sitting around in their flat, while Amazon kept apologizing for the delay every six weeks...
Fucked if i know how the theme tune lyrics to that one went, btw; although the words "Monkey Magic" featured prominently i'm sure. If anyone wants to have a stab at "Singing" it in the comments, just go right ahead and ignore the smirks i'll be throwing you... Haw!
(Late News) Oh hey! I've just found out that Tripitaka the monk was played by a woman called Masako Matsumi!
For years Triipitaka confused me... I had the hugest crush on a character i thought was a woman... and then one day it sank in that Monkey and Co. referred to her as "Master". OMG! She was a He? Nooo! But now He's a She again? Sneaky! Great! I can fancy her again, now.
Except she's dead.
Ah well, she'd probably be a bit old for me anyhow.
(Don't you fecking say a WORD, Mr Carl! Not a WORD! Don't even GRIN! I was drunk!)