27.2.06 | How Ghosts Affect Relationships
Nobody has died.
That's the part i'm glad about. The best part. Nobody has died...
to the best of my knowledge...
(Not that people don't die all over the world, and all of the time. Sooner or later, everyone stops breathing, and their eyes lose that glint, that spark, that says "Here i am! Look! Still hanging on!- willingly or otherwise."
One day you, and i and everyone who we ever knew, will have ceased to exist. Sooner, rather than later, if the signs and portents that Gaia is showing us in her fastidious, slow and relentless way, are anything to to go by.
"Everything Must Go" sang The Manic Street Preachers.
"Everything must go", the salesman implores you, sadly.
"Everything will go", replies our God, in all Her aspects...
"Get used to the idea".
One day, all that will remain of the human race will be a (ridiculously) thin yet viciously black line of carbon in rock formations, to puzzle alien visitors happening upon our insignificant little planet. If that. But anyway, that's not my story, not my stream of apoplectic, humorous subject fury for today. I'm just laying a little background for you all)
My sleep has been terrible for months and months... my whole sleep/waking cycle has been totally at odds with even the remotest semblance of a normal "lifestyle" that i humorously despair of ever seeing daylight again. If i'm not absurdly sleepless, i sleep through the day instead, or grab catnaps when the moment takes me... or even become dead to the world for days on end. It's ridiculous, and yes i am seeking medical help for this problem, so no need to worry.... Hah!- and that, like the previous paragraph, is also background.
I awoke this morning, from the usual ridiculous dreams about being best friends with dragons (friendly chairs, also... i wouldn't ask, if i were you) to a strangely beautiful, sad, disturbing moment. It was dream, and yet not-dream.
A kiss upon my cheek. A gentle whisper in my ear.
"Goodbye - I love you". A young womans voice. Sad and happy and loving all at once.
Sometimes, in the news, or tactless and sensational glossy magazines, or from friends, or friends of friends, you come across these little stories. Stories where someone encounters a loved one, who waves at them, or perhaps talks to them at length, then leaves, never to be seen alive again. Later, it turns out that this meeting couldn't possibly have happened. Because this person waving/ talking... was busy dying elsewhere at that exact precise moment of time.
I reflected upon these stories throughout the rest of the day, and waited, starting from my chair every time the phone rang. Wondering who it could be this time. In the course of my life so far, i've met a great many people, from every "corner" of the globe. Many strange, scary, fascinating, wonderful people. Loved them all, every one. But the annoying thing about ageing, the painful thing... is that sooner or later, they're gone. Or you are. To vaguely quote that most insghtful of English poets, Larkin: "Life is like chess". He saw the game, as a profound parallel to life, with pieces being taken from the board one by one... until all that is left is the final Checkmate. The final surrender.
I don't know who kissed me, or if it was just some vivid dream, or perhaps a premonition. I do know i felt loved. And the thought that someone had perhaps sent their dying spirit to visit Your Humbleness personally, left me feeling deeply affected.
And at the end of the day?
No-one had died. No grim news, sparking and falling down the wires. No rumour of loss. No distant keening of a mother on the wind. No rain falling a symphony of lament. If i had been a goth, i might have been quite put out. Hmm... if i'd been a goth, that might make me happy.
*smiles amusedly at idea of Goth being disappointed and miserable, and then elated at achieving melancholy... before misery sets in again, because elation, isn't the required look or feeling. It's not easy being a goth!*
(Pictures By Dave McKean, btw... go see his pretty pretty film Mirrormask, if you haven't already)