25.2.05 | Dumb Things I Have Said (Part 1 In An All Too Occasional Series Of Shame And Embarrassment)

(The following situation really occurred. Although the names/gender/species may have been altered to protect the innocent. Or somesuch bollocks like that).

So there we were. Sat in her car after a great night out at some party or other. Deep in conversation...

Cool. I'm liking this person immensely. We're getting on like a house on fire.

(Incidentally, "Like a house on fire"?!?! What the feck does that mean? Does anyone/anything die in the fire? Do the fire brigade get there on time? How did the fire start? Was anything saved? And now all the neighbours are probably standing around like ghouls tut-tutting their sympathy and saying "What a shame! And such nice people for it to happen to, as well! Tut-tut!"

Oi you lot! Piss off and watch Coronation Street or something! Tchah- standing round warming yer hands! And what's this?!?!- Who's trying to bake potatoes in my smouldering cinders?!?! Bloody cheek!)

Anyway. Where was i? Oh yeah, in the car. Blossoming friendship. Deep conversation.

She starts telling me about a best friend who passed away. I'm nodding empathitacal- empathytic- i'm nodding in empathy, dammit! Much sadness over her friends passing.

"... and do you know what his last words were?"

I nod and continue to empathize (Hah!) in her sorow. And then the dumb thing vomms forth from my mouth like a million years of repressed stupidity. Cavemen ancestors probably shook thier heads and looked away in embarrassment at my faux pas. My comic timing is, as ever, unstoppable. I grimace in horror at whatever demonic joker lurks within me and thinks this is funny. And yet, well i'd've laughed if i'd seen it in a sketch show...

So i look into her very beautiful eyes, and i ask:

"Was it "Aaa-aaa-ckkk-k-k-k-k..."? (I probably shouldn't have added the death-rattle at the end. But i've always been a stickler for realism, you understand).

(Nooooooo! I have the briefest moment of out-of-body experience, and get to look at the dawning expression of horror on my face, as i realize what i've just said.)

(Moments later i get another O-O-B experience and get to look at my relieved face, weeping probably. In the dark).

It went right over her head! So wrapped up in telling me this sad sad tale, that she completely misssed what i said and continued talking. I'd've cracked open a bottle of champagne right there and then if one was handy.

"Nevah mind yer friend, dahlin'!" i might have said. "Let's celebrate (your totally missing my outrageously offensive remark. An' lets get nekkid!!!)".

Unfortunately, after our long and deep conversation within the cars interior, after dropping me off, after arriving home and sitting comfortably in thought on a chair in her lounge, the memory of what i said must've reared it's head from her subconscious.

Sort of like a delayed reaction insult.

"Bastard!" She probably thought.

And i never saw her again.



Such an idiot!

No really!

And even today. Much wisdom learnt and all that. But still i say incredibly dumb things to people. I never wish to cause offence. But somewhere inside me, there's this scriptwriter for an evil evil sitcom just bursting to get out and reveal the world for all to ridicule in painful humility.
Or maybe i'm Shakespeares Puck...

"So if i do offend. I'd like to think i can amend... "
(To misquote. Quite terribly.)

With da love to yr all.

Until tomorrow. Tomorrow i look at what you need to be an Evil Genius. Ace!



  7:46 pm :. Blogger B hollered thusly:

oh, dear Sat. some day one lovely bird is going to see the absolute genius in your humor and make you hers forever. and then, when you say such off things, she will look at you and smile in amusement and she will know that she's got a one of a kind Saturnyne!

  2:40 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Oh, thank yers, dear B! But knowin' moi luck, it'll loikely be 'm a giant roc. Carrying mai orf to it's nest there, to feed 'm young 'uns.

This answer is written in Saturnynes Bad Devonshie Accent. (TM)

Love to yer! B!



  3:31 am :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Damn, that even beats the dumb things *I* have said; only by a hair, mind you. But still. ;-)
I could write a list of similar such incidents.
As B said, when one understands your heart and your nature, the things you say won't be as... what's the word... dangerous? lol

  7:08 am :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Eeek, attack of the foot-in-mouth. I know it well.

  9:54 am :. Blogger Tam hollered thusly:

Yes, well done, you're appalling. Shocker.

  10:33 am :. Blogger SingleFin hollered thusly:

Oh well, offensiveness is in the mind of the beholder. Her problem, not yours!


  11:41 am :. Blogger Lizzy hollered thusly:

How unsympathetically cute. o_O

  12:09 pm :. Blogger The Prisoner hollered thusly:

how unfortunate.
genius, but unfortunate nonetheless.

  12:10 pm :. Blogger Astolath hollered thusly:

If it's any consolation, I think I'd have had an attack of the Monty Pythons and said the same thing - the more tragic the situation, the bigger the laugh for some reason - I think it's a subconscious way of dealing with things that are unpleasant.

Or it could just have been that you desperately wanted the conversation to end so that you could get it on...

  4:48 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:

astolath has a fine point there... you must've been really onto this girl! ;) w/ the guys i totally dig, i always say the most inappropriate things at the most opportune times :P sometimes out of kindness or something, they will pretend to have not have heard what i've said. thank goodness for male sensibility.

but, so embarrasing really.

so, no worries, if she is worthy, she'll see how *truly* endearing it was... and if not...

do what i do now, employ a self-imposed imaginary mute button, and the likeliness of random slip ups dramatically decline.

  8:45 pm :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Male sensibility?! What's that term for when two things cancel each other out?

  9:35 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:


i know, i know... after i posted that comment, i realised the very same thing you said...

how about male insensibility ... but meant in a good way in this instance.


  3:40 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Gawd! So many comments in one day!

Well, the incident happened ages ago. Years in fact. And while the lady in question was verr verr pretty, and i might well have had designs on her in the back of my mind, i was more interested in the conversation.

I was appalled at my slip of the tongue though (at the time). Even if the telling of the story is humorous.


  2:52 am :. Blogger Cece hollered thusly:

You are a genius. That was SO cold-hearted of you but...dang...that was funny.

  5:05 am :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Jessie, I believe the term is oxymoron...

  2:54 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Hrr! Oxymoron! Being a taurus, i am rather oxy! Heheh! And as for "moron"...

Thanks for that, Dani! It kept me amused for hours as i contemplated its unintended double meaning.


  9:43 pm :. Blogger Starbuck hollered thusly:

Jeez, that really is terrible. Heh.

  9:12 pm :. Anonymous Lovly Lady hollered thusly:

*little snicker**

Diabolically evil....


This is a tale of what I like to refer to as.... "hi my nae is, uh, ... GUH!!!!"

Genius you may be... but I spose that doesnt mean you have to be bright right?

Now I amnot trying to pick on you or anything, Trust me we have all had our moments... but I am sending you applause from afar anyhow... *quits applause**

Humour will save you in the end though..

Smiling politly Amanda

  11:45 pm :. Blogger Woman at the well hollered thusly:

This is real fun, Sat, especially for a Sunday evening - you made me laugh a lot, and most of all, it was very well described. How can you mix humor, sincerity and simplicity so well? I imagine you´re going to say you´re not this or that, but, my friend, I don´t believe you all the time ...

  3:29 am :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Go Taurus!

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18.2.05 | I Had a Dream, Joe


I've brought you all here today to discuss dreams.

To take our minds off ageing and our imminent demise. Especially Your imminent demise. I personally am gonna live for several thousand years, due to an unfortunate accident involving a stray meteor, a time machine, and an irrascible food mixer. (Best not to ask. The answer would only "upset" you).

The rest of you have got until 2014 or thereabouts.

Anyway. As i was saying. I thought i'd take our minds off all this misery for a spell, by discussing dreams.

I am "blessed" with having a vast dream repetory. My dreams are so good, they should be copyrighted and used for suing sci-fi directors. Also bad porn directors. And pop-video makers who have done faaar too much acid. Especially them.

Currently on rotation in the cineplex of my dream mind:

The "End-of-the-World" type dream: I have this one constantly. The skies are dark. The land is torn. Smoke everywhere. And lights in the sky coming from the east. I am utterly terrified in the dream. It's so bad it makes the forthcoming Spielberg 'War of the Worlds' look like a scooter ride with Po around Teletubby Land. How do i know that? I watched the entire film in another dream only last week.

"Gropeage in a Bathtub" dream: Gropeage. In a (large) bathtub. That flies. Yes, flies. Muchness of bubbles. Muchness soap. Muchness of effing flying! And not as muchness of gropeage as there should be! I demand a contract with someone about this! I hate flying with no obvious means of support! It's not like the bastard bathtub has wings or anything- the fucker just swoops along, blithely ignorant to my pleas to "Slow the fuck down!". Still, at least the grrls are always variable and attractive. And for the most part, Of This Planet. Always a bonus, that. Hmm, i think i may be a slut in my dreams... But i'd be more of a slut if the effin' bathtub stopped flying!!! Goddam! (Is this TMI? Tooo bad!)

and speaking of flying and heights...

"The Floating Cathedral" dream. What the fuck is this all about? Eh? A HUUUGE cathedral that just hangs in the air about 300 metres (Yards? No idea. Besides, yards are bollocks!) above Harle Syke. There are occasionally real Angels who fly out of it on some funky looking flying motor-cycles. I want one of those when they come out, btw! Oh ,and if anyone mentions Independence Day, i shall petition that they be sodomized by a giraffe. The whole giraffe mind. I've had this dream (Cathedral dream, not a giraffe dream. What kind of weirdo do yer think i am, eh?)since i was a child. And ain't that big a fan of sci-fi, either. So, nerr! (Oh, and to avoid accusations of cruelty to the giraffe, it would of course, be attired in an appropriate wetsuit and have breathing apparatus. AND goggles!)

Another "Cathedral" dream i have, is one where i'm inside a cathedral the size of a Himalayan mountain (Hollow). And am climbing up several thousand steps to some ridiculous Alice In Wonderland crazy pulpit. And Noo handrail! Why do my dreams do this to me? Why? Whyyy?Are they just bastards naturally? They should know by now, i hate heights. Merciless. And bastards.

So of course, my dreams know i suffer from vertigo etc. So whadda they do next? Put me on the side of the biggest fucking mountain you could only imagine in dreams. Probably the size of a small continent. We're talking about the kind of mountain that would pick on Everest and the rest of the Himalayas at school. And make them hand over all their dinner money.

But the stupidest dream i've ever had was last week. Yes, it was the "Not Very Stereotypical Spy Apples" kind of dream. In the dream, i was watching these two (Bright green) apples (Probably Granny Smiths) roll their way to safety and freedom from the secret complex of some Mr Big Evil Genius. Sean Connery etc. would have been impressed. Personally i was impressed by how very bad the acting and comedy moments were. A lot like those 007 movies actually. It may well have been as bad, but i was still trying to get my poor tormented mind around apples playing the lead roles. Y'know, it wouldn't surprise me if the director in my dream, deliberately recruited apples to obfuscate the bad plot and acting. Anyway, the apples (kinda cute ones) managed to escape. With only minor bruising. More bruised was my sanity. I mean. I spend half my waking hours trying to get into a restful slumber. And then when i do, i get psychically assaulted from God knows where! It can't be all my fault, can it? Can it?

Hey, put that straightjacket down!



  10:41 am :. Blogger Darkchild hollered thusly:

I haven't been here in a while (and on blogger in general) Sorry :'(!!!

Yeah, Teufel and I are gonna meet (A) Hehehe

I must say you have very interesting dreams :) And I though mine were weird...Seems I'm not the only one eh? ;)


  5:42 pm :. Blogger my sun sets to rise again hollered thusly:

Espionage Apples: Agents of S.T.A.L.K.

I totally have to write that comic.

  7:11 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:


Heh! love that!

*giggles with wild abandon*


  9:09 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

Sorry I haven't been in touch my love, my pc did indeed die, and I have just been ordering a nice new shiny laptop!.

As to dreams, and endlessly fascinating subject. I have many varied, coloured dreams. Like you, I dream apocalypse. I dream of bullets thudding into my skin. I dream of death.

I dream of a tent with disturbed earth and a body encased in wax within.

I dream of a child imprisoned in the top of a tower within a picture that tries to speak to me.

I dream of a witch in a house within a square that descends the stairs and sends me into such terror that I always wake before she speaks.

And most painfully, I dream of burning.


  9:11 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

However I must confess to dreaming the other night that Angelina Jolie had me on a dog collar and lead on a film shoot and did very rude things to me in a haybarn. I sure woke with a huge smile, and the husband was well impressed....

  3:27 am :. Blogger B hollered thusly:

gawd, it took forever for this comment window to open! last time i came here to comment i got impatient and gave up. anyway...
your dreams are interesting to say the least. got a big kick out the 'gropeage' dream! i've had strange vivid dreams since i started taking singulair for allergies several months ago. i've been meaning to keep a dream journal. do you keep one?

  3:41 am :. Blogger Lizzy hollered thusly:

Yeah. Took forever to open. But still, popups! :D

You must've been nekkid in the bath.

Hm. Good dreams. Its a good thing mine are never nearly half as interesting. I'm quite happy with the boring and conventional.

  4:57 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Cor blameh, Janey! I'll bet the hubby was impressed! I know i am.


B? Big kick? Why whatever do you mean? I shall assume, (nobly of course!) that you were most amused.

Lizzy? Me nekkid? How bizarre! No, in England we all wear corsets and pantaloons in the bath. It preserves decency. (Joke)

Oh allright i was nekkid... apart from a top hat. And muchness of bubbles.

Gawd! Now i think about it. That means i was nekkid in a public place! So even if i get over the vertigo, i'll be paranoid that dream people will be watching me. Thanks Lizzy! Tchah! Some friend you are! (joking again)

And i'm sure your dreams are brilliant. How could the dreams of such an amazingness as yerself not be?!?!
You just don't remember them...

love all


  11:20 am :. Blogger SingleFin hollered thusly:

Like you said, unrelated but IT'S SNOWING!!!

  2:40 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:

so when can i co-star in one of your dreams? ;)

  5:47 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Anytime, Stella me darling!

Did you have any preferences?

(Although i should point out amusedly that any dream about heights will probably involve me screaming a lot. Plus swearing. Lots of swearing.)

Which kind of leaves the Apocalypse dream, The Apples dream (wherein we could roll our way to er, freedom as, er apples) and the Other one... Hope ya like insane bathtubs...


  9:34 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:

i love bathtubs, especially ones that are overflowing with bubbles and have a foam monster...!!! so, if i had to choose between the end of the world, darting apples, or an insane tub, hmm, take a yander and guess which one i'd choose ...? ;P

  9:46 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:

i meant gander, not yander... {blush}

  3:35 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

*makes mental note to invite Stella round for the next bath party*

So if i invite you upstairs to come and look at my "foam monster" you'll be happy to oblige?

*grins flirtily*

Well, it makes a change from "etchings"...

Um, i dunno if that's a universal joke, but if no-one gets it outside Engerland, i'll happily try and explain...

God knows how, though...


  6:15 pm :. Blogger Starbuck hollered thusly:

You dream like I dream.

And you live like I live, fellow timetraveller.

  3:36 am :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

You should really explore lucid dreaming. I'm sure you would be very good at it, and enjoy it tremendously.
That way, you could return to your favorite dreams... control them and improve upon them... among other things. And it's basically a great way to learn about yourself.

  2:54 am :. Blogger Cece hollered thusly:


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16.2.05 | The Future

What do you think about when you imagine the future?

Space travel? Virtual reailty ports in your cranium? Alien invasion perhaps? The Earth being a vast dustbowl like Mars?

I dream and think about all of those things and more. But most of all i think about my parents.

Their diminishing before my eyes. Physical and psychological. Realizing that you can't stop the Haemorrhage of days.

And i think about frustration. And waiting. And escape.

But iI love my old ones. It would be faithless of me to forsake them.

And with love in mind i quote this:

The Old Fools

What do they think has happened, the old fools,
To make them like this? Do they somehow suppose
It's more grown-up when your mouth hangs open and drools,
And you keep on pissing yourself, and can't remember
Who called this morning? Or that, if they only chose,
They could alter things back to when they danced all night,
Or went to their wedding, or sloped arms some September?
Or do they fancy there's really been no change,
And they've always behaved as if they were crippled or tight,
Or sat through days of thin continuous dreaming
Watching the light move? If they don't (and they can't), it's strange;
Why aren't they screaming?

At death you break up: the bits that were you
Start speeding away from each other for ever
With no one to see. It's only oblivion, true:
We had it before, but then it was going to end,
And was all the time merging with a unique endeavour
To bring to bloom the million-petalled flower
Of being here. Next time you can't pretend
There'll be anything else. And these are the first signs:
Not knowing how, not hearing who, the power
Of choosing gone. Their looks show that they're for it:
Ash hair, toad hands, prune face dried into lines -
How can they ignore it?

Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms
Inside you head, and people in them, acting
People you know, yet can't quite name; each looms
Like a deep loss restored, from known doors turning,
Setting down a lamp, smiling from a stair, extracting
A known book from the shelves; or sometimes only
The rooms themselves, chairs and a fire burning,
The blown bush at the window, or the sun's
Faint friendliness on the wall some lonely
Rain-ceased midsummer evening. That is where they live:
Not here and now, but where all happened once.
This is why they give

An air of baffled absence, trying to be there
Yet being here. For the rooms grow farther, leaving
Incompetent cold, the constant wear and tear
Of taken breath, and them crouching below
Extinction's alp, the old fools, never perceiving
How near it is. This must be what keeps them quiet:
The peak that stays in view wherever we go
For them is rising ground. Can they never tell
What is dragging them back, and how it will end? Not at night?
Not when the strangers come? Never, throughout
The whole hideous inverted childhood? Well,
We shall find out.

-Philip Larkin


  6:07 pm :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Wow. This post was so beautiful. I can't tell you how much I can relate to this. Or maybe I can, if it's alright for me to email you?

  10:55 pm :. Blogger Starbuck hollered thusly:

Upon starting reading I was gearing up to start banging on about timetravel and the future, but you've brought me right back down to earth.

That was wonderful. So true, so beautiful.

  10:59 pm :. Blogger my sun sets to rise again hollered thusly:

Ugh. Thats horrible.

Sorry, I have a morbid fear, not of growing old, but of the decay that goes with it.

the Haemorrhage of days.

Yes. That's it. Perfectly.

  3:02 am :. Blogger Michael Moore hollered thusly:

I had a really strange dream about that post last night. And its very strange watching my parents age.


  1:59 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Sure, Dani. go ahead. It'll be my pleasure.

Glad i can get someone else's onto Larkin. He didn't write as much as cummings or Frost f'r'example. But what he says is unflinchingly accurate, remorseless and beautiful in it's introspection.

Heya Michael, didn't you wander over here from Cece's? I was gonna add some feeble joke about how much better you're looking since you lost weight after that last docu-movie, but you've heard it about a million times before, by now. =}

Hmm... speaking of dreams...

  2:00 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  9:18 pm :. Blogger Woman at the well hollered thusly:

Oh, Sat!
Living is a miracle in itself. Being old is not glamorous or attractive, but it´s not bad if you´re healthy and still have plans for the future. That´s it - the future. Why not? How can anyone be sure he´s gpoing to live longer than anybody else, i mean, how can a young person be sure he´s going to survive his grandfather?You just gotta get old to to make sure you have lived, it´s as simp´le as that.
Being old is unattractive and ugly, but everybody wants it. Don´t be sorry for your folks, they´re enjoying every minute. they´re proud of their age, because they know they have made it.
Anyway, there must be a great difference between being old in the poet´s country and in my country.

  7:45 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

Watching my parents I think that old people move onto another plane of existence that involves obsessive gardening and spying on neighbours. I also find that if anyone hurts or upset them I want to kill them, even though it's often their own fault for excessive grumpiness! It's a role reversal thing - I've become the parent.

  2:43 pm :. Blogger Brooks Lampe hollered thusly:

I love Larkin!

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14.2.05 | And Tha Winner Isssss...

But first...

I'd like to take the opportunity to thank you one and all for the fabulous entries

To Zen, who has never seen me in my underwear- Be grateful, lovely Zen!

To Lizzy, with a timely reminder to all the males of the species, that a "No" quite often means No, actually, and not a "yes", thank you very much. Good on yer, Lizzy.

To, er Me, who for a person who doesn't like her piccie taken, looks (un)surprisingly fab when she does.

To My Sun Sets To Rise Again, who had a few things to say about marrows, AND has had more profile views than ME! In a similar length of time!!! And i thought i was doing allright... What's your secret?!? Gah! i'm not jealous no! Honest!

To The Prisoner, who alarmed me somewhat by assuming my Pumpkin is a "He"! I had to ask her about that, just to makes sure, i was so confused!

To Janey, who is always a winner in my book, even when she doesn't actually enter my competitions! Even then! Love for Janey!

To Starbuck, who has still got me trying to guess what he was on about, and when i ask him and he explains, i'm sure it will all become crystal clear. I shall of course slap my head appropriately and go "D'ohhh! Of course!"

To Carl, who i tentatively and not without fear, call one of my best friends. Still hasn't got his birthday present, yet. It's really ACE, too, Mr Carl! I may with some amusement, hold it hostage until i receive my Christmas present though... Hee-heee! And Hah!

To Cece, who has family that look like pumpkins. Apparently... And i long to meet them all!

To Jessie, who may or may not like the odd "Toke" herself... we can only hope that she's a sharer, eh readers?

To Stella, who is a gal after mah own heart, well probably not literally. I hear hearts really don't sit well on the mantlepiece anyways... no, wot i really mean is that she talks to vegetables and fruits, too! I bet that happens a lot in N.Y. We must meet someday, Miss Stella! (Did i ever mention that we have/had a beer/lager in England called "Stella Artois"... "Pint o' Stella" one could hear throughout the pubs in Englandland when ai were a lad. What'd it taste like? Buggered if i know. Probably like piss. Like most of these beer type things that get advertised on telly. Belgian beer now... that's a different story entirely! Oh, and a local brew called Pendle Witch... that wasn't bad in it's time either... I wonder if they still exist...

To Kak Teh, who didn't enter, but likes my pumpkins anyway. So that's all right. Hi, Dear lady!

To Dani, who still has me trying to remember who Jimmy Durante is... guess i'm gonna have to google the answer... very annoying, cos i bet when i find it, i'll be getting all Homer Simpson again... just like with Starbucks' oblique reference (Hmm, i really must remember to check the dictionary first, before using words like "oblique". Still, i'm a genius, so i'll probably get away with it if i'm wrong... won't i?)

To B,who apparently is "no good at competitions". Which is true. Hee! but yer photos and blog are lovely, m'dear. So that more than makes up for it.

And finally, to one of my favourite writers Woman in the Well who should win a prize for awesomeness in words anyway. Love to you!

So... Ye winners...

Yes, "winners", for there are indeed, two...

...Are Lynda a.k.a. Me! And Cece a.k.a. Cece! Who guessed corectly at Pumpkins shyness. But also guessed inadvertently at what is my idea of pumpkin cuteness. Which is that pumpkins don't need a face to be utterly cute. They just are. If they were people, they'd be your bestest friends evah! EVAH! And utterly cool. Without even trying. Or having a face. Or even limbs.

So ladies, i await yer breathlessly contacting me with address details and demanding yer prezzies forthwith. I shall of course leave a comment at yer blogs and probably email yer... whichever i think requires the least effort at the time...

Please note. If ya DO want any pics, there may well be a delay of some months before i am able to process and send them. Any Cd's sent will go via air mail ASAP and be hand-crafted with whatever crappy art medium i find lying around the house. Last time it was some of my photos cut to size... time before that was pastilles, er pastels? Anyways-

Well done!

And i wish i could give you ALL prizes. *sigh* You've all been most entertaining in yer answers.

Anyway. Next up. Other stuff.

"Will it be fun? " i hear you cry.



  4:47 am :. Blogger me hollered thusly:

awww... i'm so glad we have mutual bloggy friends through which we were introduced, so you could say nice things about me and I could win my first ever(!) competition!!. I can't wait for that A3 poster to come my way.

Also? Stella still exists.. I ask for it any bloody time I go to the Irish pub on the corner - which is... er.. too often??

  4:55 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Cool. I'll be wanting to know what kind of pic you would like to adorn yer walls.

Currently i'm capable of pussies. trees and tree-like things. Staircases. Cloudscapes. And flowers.

I guess some examples of these can be found in me archives.

Heh! Ye'll have to be prepared for a little wait of a couple of months before anything arrives though...


  8:35 am :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

I'm pretty good at sharing :)

Congratulations to Me and Cece!

  2:38 pm :. Blogger my sun sets to rise again hollered thusly:

Huzzah to the winners.

I believe my profiles popularity may be due to the fact that i am just an awesome profile writer. I was going to put 'sex' in but I thought that would just be unfair.

I may also have a stalker.

  3:45 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:

Congratulations to *everyone*... I thought all the responses were very pumpkin-approved in originiality!!

(p.s. where else did ya think my name came from?? :)

  9:30 pm :. Blogger Teufel hollered thusly:

Indeed, Mr. Saturnyne: Darkchild and Teufel are finally meeting in July (be affraid, Europe).

  3:40 am :. Blogger Cece hollered thusly:

I'd like to thank the Academy and...OH! I won the PUMPKIN contest?! THATS EVEN BETTER!
Thank you Dear Saturnyne!

  4:37 am :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Congrats to the winners. :-)

Jimmy Durante! The Hot-Cha-Cha guy! Check imdb.com, if you must. Here's a piccy of him that matches his pumpkin perfectly.

  11:02 pm :. Blogger Starbuck hollered thusly:

And congrats from me as well.

As for my reasoning, I was going to advise doing a Google Images on "Beano Smiffy", but I've just done so myself, and I'd got the wrong bleedin' Bash Street Kid. Its Wilfrid.

Any the wiser?

  9:13 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

YAY! Janey sends love back and wonders if we can enter in off public negotiations for a copy of the AMC cd....!

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5.2.05 | Competition Stuff! Yaay!

But first, i offer you a peek into the secret world of Da Saturnyne, via the crazy desktop competition of the illimitable Mr Starbuck who is quite a Mr and also sometime in the near(?) future will be a Mr Groom! with Bride!

Methinks everyone who is anyone will be entering THIS competition and showing off their "amazing" desktops for all to applaud (mock).

I also recall that a certain Cece wanted to view piccies of my comps... so that's another piccie request fulfilled somewhat... enjoy the detail, me dear.

And nowww!!!
(Roll of drum. LOUD drum!)

It's Tiiiime! Ladeez an Germs! Forrrr... The Saturnyne's Extraordinarily Grand Competition With A Real Prize!


It's time for

What's My Pumpkin!?!?!

A little while ago, the aforementioned Cece, asked for a piccie of my lovely Pumpkin as one of her photo requests. And on behalf of her, i asked da Pumpkin if she had any pics i could post of her... and the little scamp sent me the pic below... I bet she was giggling as she sent it, too!

So it gave me, The Saturnyne, an idea for this competition. And all you have to do is vaguely comment on which one of the pumpkins below is mai Pumpkin and why. You can enter this competition as many times as you want. Your answer can be anything at all in fact. And the winner is the one which i like the most.

And the prize? Well, when the competition is over , i will send the winner either:

A: A cd quality recording (On a cd obviously) of my favourite (And currently unavailable, i believe) album of all time, which is American Music Club's 'Everclear'.
B: A cd chocablock full of MP3's (Or AAC, or WMA) of my fave music... some of which will be unavailable stuff by the aforementioned A.M.C.
C: An A3 size print of one of my photo's. This is in an Archival Matte quality and guaranteed to last for the duration of yer life or 75 years) prividing you don't do dumb stuff like putting it in direct sunlight...
D: Two A4 size prints of equal quality to C

Any of which i will ship to your address by the fastest, least ridiculously expensive mode i can find. So that means C and D will most likely take weeks and even weeks!


Pumpkin And Family?


  2:23 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

How, how will you be able to curb your enthusiasm!??!

Gawd, i might even enter this meself!


  2:52 pm :. Blogger Zen hollered thusly:

I think that your pumpkin is the one that is on the top row, the fourth from the left...the one that is rolling her eyes and sticking her tongue out as if to say "gag me with a spoon". I say this because if I remember correctly, you mentioned that your pumpkin is a former luv interest, and I can only say from experience as a woman, that any man I have been luvy with who remains my friend after the affair, invariably elicits that response in me whenever I think about the fact that I ever dated that person in the first place, because once the passion dies, and you are just friends, thinking back on the romance is like imagining kissing your brother...or a frog or something. Of course, I don't think you deserve to be held in such regard...I think you seem quite charming. But I have never seen you in your underwear either :p

  4:31 pm :. Blogger Lizzy hollered thusly:

Zen, thats a scary amount of inference. Lol. I'd say its the grinning one baring loadsa shiny teeth. Its precisely the face I'd give to my best friend if he wanted my picture for such a purpose. It'd mean something along the lines of "No."

  8:41 pm :. Blogger me hollered thusly:

I think it's the one in the middle row, all the way to the right - the one with it's back to us. Because if your pumpkin's anything like me, she hates having her pictcha taken. :)

  7:30 pm :. Blogger my sun sets to rise again hollered thusly:

Its my deduction that your pumpkin is not actually a pumpkin, but the marrow at the front.
Well, just don't tell him he's a marrow, he's a bit confused.

  10:11 am :. Blogger The Prisoner hollered thusly:

you wanna watch that tiny one on the front row.
it's always the quiet ones you know...

y'know what it is, it's a school photo, that's why there all making dumbass faces. Oh i can see it now, Saturnyne standing at the school gate ready to take little Pumpy home. :)

in which case, your pumpkin sir, is the one that is sinking into the hay in the middle row. he wants desperately to go home obviously.

did i win?

  8:04 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

Don't give two figs bout the pumpkin comp, all I care about is being back online again - YAY!!!!

  9:13 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

Actually, I take that comment back after viewing the puking pumpkin...HEH! That was inspired and I WANT ONE. {bottom lip sticks out petulantly...}

  11:19 pm :. Blogger Starbuck hollered thusly:

Yours is the Smiffy pumpkin... you know the one - you've got the furry badge, admit it!

And as for yer computers, Mr S, yours have certainly been amongst the most cluttered that I've came across (as it were).

You ought to be ashamed...

  12:57 am :. Blogger Carl hollered thusly:

I refuse to enter this competition on the grounds that I might accidently win and I'd end up with a CD full of Daniel Johnston or some such (don't deny you'd do it either).

Anyway what is this ? Some kind of pumpkin beauty contest ? It's demeaning, all those pumpkins just sitting there, waiting to be judged by leering visitors to your site, it's vegetablist Mr. Saturnyne that's what it is, vegetabalist. There's no personal profiles, no background, no chance for each to argue their opinion, you're treating them like pieces of meat (erm... , well... sort of) it's a disgrace and I'll have no part of it.

I notice they're all orange as well. No room in the Saturnyne's lounge for pumpkins of a different hue is there ? Rest assured I'll be writing letters to my MP, MEP, Germaine Geer and the Daily Mail immediately.

Yours, Disgusted of Salford.

  2:56 am :. Blogger me hollered thusly:

There's kind of a green-ish one on the top row in the middle....

  4:17 am :. Blogger Cece hollered thusly:

Poor Pumpkin. That must be a family reunion picture. As ME pointed out before I could...She is obviously the one with her back turned at the far right of the middle row. I wouldn't show my face either if my relatives looked like that. Wait a minute...some of them do.

  8:04 pm :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

I'd guess the one in the front row on the left, the one that looks a little bit under the influence. Just chilling, waiting for the photo shoot to be over, so she can slip away behind the hay bales and have a wee toke.

  7:00 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:

i've been staring so long and deeply at this pumpkin picture, trying to find some kind of obvious sign as to who the real pumpkin is ...

as i was sitting here staring and waiting, one of the pumpkins whispered out to me, "it's me silly and in order to get the prize, you must reveal my true identity to others. those orginal Saturnyne prints would look so lovely and gorgeous at your home. they are simply divine, dear, just divine. oh and you can thank me later ..."

i reply "okay pumpkin. if you say so. but could you please tell saturnyne that i know that you are the real one, and that am keeping it a secret to myself until the contest is over so that everyone has a chance to win a gift, too? thnx "



  4:16 am :. Blogger Cece hollered thusly:

Oh Jessie! You are BRILLIANT!

  4:39 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Some very interesting comments, here.

And one of you might actually be correct! Even!

I know one of you is certainly grumbly and totally not entereing into the spirit of things, but i wouldn't want to embarrass that person by drawing everyones attention to the fact that it's Carl, and he's only grumbly because i haven't given him his birthday present yet. And also that he still hasn't forgiven me for introducing him to the music of that genius Daniel Johnston. Tchah! Some peeps have no taste in music at all! Total ingratitude for ya!

I guess i'll give it you when i see you next, Mr Carl. Probably at the same time as you give me my Christmas prezzie! Hopefully this weekend, if i'm not dying some more.

God i really have felt like death. It's really depressing me at the mo'. But anyway... i shall hopefully announce the winner, or winners on Monday... so all you latecomers had better get their skates on if yer wanna enter!


  9:18 am :. Blogger Kak Teh hollered thusly:

hi, this is kak teh. Pls don't worry abt it. May be I too over reacted? btw - love yr pumpkins!

  6:43 pm :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Oh, damn. I got here too late and all the witty answers have been said already.
I don't know which one's yours... but the one on the bottom row, second to last (with the Gene Simmons tongue) kind of looks like Jimmy Durante.

  2:11 am :. Blogger B hollered thusly:

i think it's a trick, because your pumpkin isn't even in the picture. the funniest part is she's getting a big kick out of making everyone guess.
(couldn't think of anything else, i'm no good a competitions!)
feel better soon :)

  5:11 pm :. Blogger Woman at the well hollered thusly:

All I can say is that they´re the cutest things on earth ...

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