25.2.05 | Dumb Things I Have Said (Part 1 In An All Too Occasional Series Of Shame And Embarrassment)
(The following situation really occurred. Although the names/gender/species may have been altered to protect the innocent. Or somesuch bollocks like that).
So there we were. Sat in her car after a great night out at some party or other. Deep in conversation...
Cool. I'm liking this person immensely. We're getting on like a house on fire.
(Incidentally, "Like a house on fire"?!?! What the feck does that mean? Does anyone/anything die in the fire? Do the fire brigade get there on time? How did the fire start? Was anything saved? And now all the neighbours are probably standing around like ghouls tut-tutting their sympathy and saying "What a shame! And such nice people for it to happen to, as well! Tut-tut!"
Oi you lot! Piss off and watch Coronation Street or something! Tchah- standing round warming yer hands! And what's this?!?!- Who's trying to bake potatoes in my smouldering cinders?!?! Bloody cheek!)
Anyway. Where was i? Oh yeah, in the car. Blossoming friendship. Deep conversation.
She starts telling me about a best friend who passed away. I'm nodding empathitacal- empathytic- i'm nodding in empathy, dammit! Much sadness over her friends passing.
"... and do you know what his last words were?"
I nod and continue to empathize (Hah!) in her sorow. And then the dumb thing vomms forth from my mouth like a million years of repressed stupidity. Cavemen ancestors probably shook thier heads and looked away in embarrassment at my faux pas. My comic timing is, as ever, unstoppable. I grimace in horror at whatever demonic joker lurks within me and thinks this is funny. And yet, well i'd've laughed if i'd seen it in a sketch show...
So i look into her very beautiful eyes, and i ask:
"Was it "Aaa-aaa-ckkk-k-k-k-k..."? (I probably shouldn't have added the death-rattle at the end. But i've always been a stickler for realism, you understand).
(Nooooooo! I have the briefest moment of out-of-body experience, and get to look at the dawning expression of horror on my face, as i realize what i've just said.)
(Moments later i get another O-O-B experience and get to look at my relieved face, weeping probably. In the dark).
It went right over her head! So wrapped up in telling me this sad sad tale, that she completely misssed what i said and continued talking. I'd've cracked open a bottle of champagne right there and then if one was handy.
"Nevah mind yer friend, dahlin'!" i might have said. "Let's celebrate (your totally missing my outrageously offensive remark. An' lets get nekkid!!!)".
Unfortunately, after our long and deep conversation within the cars interior, after dropping me off, after arriving home and sitting comfortably in thought on a chair in her lounge, the memory of what i said must've reared it's head from her subconscious.
Sort of like a delayed reaction insult.
"Bastard!" She probably thought.
And i never saw her again.
Such an idiot!
And even today. Much wisdom learnt and all that. But still i say incredibly dumb things to people. I never wish to cause offence. But somewhere inside me, there's this scriptwriter for an evil evil sitcom just bursting to get out and reveal the world for all to ridicule in painful humility.
Or maybe i'm Shakespeares Puck...
"So if i do offend. I'd like to think i can amend... "
(To misquote. Quite terribly.)
With da love to yr all.
Until tomorrow. Tomorrow i look at what you need to be an Evil Genius. Ace!
18.2.05 | I Had a Dream, Joe
I've brought you all here today to discuss dreams.
To take our minds off ageing and our imminent demise. Especially Your imminent demise. I personally am gonna live for several thousand years, due to an unfortunate accident involving a stray meteor, a time machine, and an irrascible food mixer. (Best not to ask. The answer would only "upset" you).
The rest of you have got until 2014 or thereabouts.
Anyway. As i was saying. I thought i'd take our minds off all this misery for a spell, by discussing dreams.
I am "blessed" with having a vast dream repetory. My dreams are so good, they should be copyrighted and used for suing sci-fi directors. Also bad porn directors. And pop-video makers who have done faaar too much acid. Especially them.
Currently on rotation in the cineplex of my dream mind:
The "End-of-the-World" type dream: I have this one constantly. The skies are dark. The land is torn. Smoke everywhere. And lights in the sky coming from the east. I am utterly terrified in the dream. It's so bad it makes the forthcoming Spielberg 'War of the Worlds' look like a scooter ride with Po around Teletubby Land. How do i know that? I watched the entire film in another dream only last week.
"Gropeage in a Bathtub" dream: Gropeage. In a (large) bathtub. That flies. Yes, flies. Muchness of bubbles. Muchness soap. Muchness of effing flying! And not as muchness of gropeage as there should be! I demand a contract with someone about this! I hate flying with no obvious means of support! It's not like the bastard bathtub has wings or anything- the fucker just swoops along, blithely ignorant to my pleas to "Slow the fuck down!". Still, at least the grrls are always variable and attractive. And for the most part, Of This Planet. Always a bonus, that. Hmm, i think i may be a slut in my dreams... But i'd be more of a slut if the effin' bathtub stopped flying!!! Goddam! (Is this TMI? Tooo bad!)
and speaking of flying and heights...
"The Floating Cathedral" dream. What the fuck is this all about? Eh? A HUUUGE cathedral that just hangs in the air about 300 metres (Yards? No idea. Besides, yards are bollocks!) above Harle Syke. There are occasionally real Angels who fly out of it on some funky looking flying motor-cycles. I want one of those when they come out, btw! Oh ,and if anyone mentions Independence Day, i shall petition that they be sodomized by a giraffe. The whole giraffe mind. I've had this dream (Cathedral dream, not a giraffe dream. What kind of weirdo do yer think i am, eh?)since i was a child. And ain't that big a fan of sci-fi, either. So, nerr! (Oh, and to avoid accusations of cruelty to the giraffe, it would of course, be attired in an appropriate wetsuit and have breathing apparatus. AND goggles!)
Another "Cathedral" dream i have, is one where i'm inside a cathedral the size of a Himalayan mountain (Hollow). And am climbing up several thousand steps to some ridiculous Alice In Wonderland crazy pulpit. And Noo handrail! Why do my dreams do this to me? Why? Whyyy?Are they just bastards naturally? They should know by now, i hate heights. Merciless. And bastards.
So of course, my dreams know i suffer from vertigo etc. So whadda they do next? Put me on the side of the biggest fucking mountain you could only imagine in dreams. Probably the size of a small continent. We're talking about the kind of mountain that would pick on Everest and the rest of the Himalayas at school. And make them hand over all their dinner money.
But the stupidest dream i've ever had was last week. Yes, it was the "Not Very Stereotypical Spy Apples" kind of dream. In the dream, i was watching these two (Bright green) apples (Probably Granny Smiths) roll their way to safety and freedom from the secret complex of some Mr Big Evil Genius. Sean Connery etc. would have been impressed. Personally i was impressed by how very bad the acting and comedy moments were. A lot like those 007 movies actually. It may well have been as bad, but i was still trying to get my poor tormented mind around apples playing the lead roles. Y'know, it wouldn't surprise me if the director in my dream, deliberately recruited apples to obfuscate the bad plot and acting. Anyway, the apples (kinda cute ones) managed to escape. With only minor bruising. More bruised was my sanity. I mean. I spend half my waking hours trying to get into a restful slumber. And then when i do, i get psychically assaulted from God knows where! It can't be all my fault, can it? Can it?
Hey, put that straightjacket down!
16.2.05 | The Future
What do you think about when you imagine the future?
Space travel? Virtual reailty ports in your cranium? Alien invasion perhaps? The Earth being a vast dustbowl like Mars?
I dream and think about all of those things and more. But most of all i think about my parents.
Their diminishing before my eyes. Physical and psychological. Realizing that you can't stop the Haemorrhage of days.
And i think about frustration. And waiting. And escape.
But iI love my old ones. It would be faithless of me to forsake them.
And with love in mind i quote this:
The Old Fools
What do they think has happened, the old fools,
To make them like this? Do they somehow suppose
It's more grown-up when your mouth hangs open and drools,
And you keep on pissing yourself, and can't remember
Who called this morning? Or that, if they only chose,
They could alter things back to when they danced all night,
Or went to their wedding, or sloped arms some September?
Or do they fancy there's really been no change,
And they've always behaved as if they were crippled or tight,
Or sat through days of thin continuous dreaming
Watching the light move? If they don't (and they can't), it's strange;
Why aren't they screaming?
At death you break up: the bits that were you
Start speeding away from each other for ever
With no one to see. It's only oblivion, true:
We had it before, but then it was going to end,
And was all the time merging with a unique endeavour
To bring to bloom the million-petalled flower
Of being here. Next time you can't pretend
There'll be anything else. And these are the first signs:
Not knowing how, not hearing who, the power
Of choosing gone. Their looks show that they're for it:
Ash hair, toad hands, prune face dried into lines -
How can they ignore it?
Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms
Inside you head, and people in them, acting
People you know, yet can't quite name; each looms
Like a deep loss restored, from known doors turning,
Setting down a lamp, smiling from a stair, extracting
A known book from the shelves; or sometimes only
The rooms themselves, chairs and a fire burning,
The blown bush at the window, or the sun's
Faint friendliness on the wall some lonely
Rain-ceased midsummer evening. That is where they live:
Not here and now, but where all happened once.
This is why they give
An air of baffled absence, trying to be there
Yet being here. For the rooms grow farther, leaving
Incompetent cold, the constant wear and tear
Of taken breath, and them crouching below
Extinction's alp, the old fools, never perceiving
How near it is. This must be what keeps them quiet:
The peak that stays in view wherever we go
For them is rising ground. Can they never tell
What is dragging them back, and how it will end? Not at night?
Not when the strangers come? Never, throughout
The whole hideous inverted childhood? Well,
We shall find out.
14.2.05 | And Tha Winner Isssss...
I'd like to take the opportunity to thank you one and all for the fabulous entries
To Zen, who has never seen me in my underwear- Be grateful, lovely Zen!
To Lizzy, with a timely reminder to all the males of the species, that a "No" quite often means No, actually, and not a "yes", thank you very much. Good on yer, Lizzy.
To, er Me, who for a person who doesn't like her piccie taken, looks (un)surprisingly fab when she does.
To My Sun Sets To Rise Again, who had a few things to say about marrows, AND has had more profile views than ME! In a similar length of time!!! And i thought i was doing allright... What's your secret?!? Gah! i'm not jealous no! Honest!
To The Prisoner, who alarmed me somewhat by assuming my Pumpkin is a "He"! I had to ask her about that, just to makes sure, i was so confused!
To Janey, who is always a winner in my book, even when she doesn't actually enter my competitions! Even then! Love for Janey!
To Starbuck, who has still got me trying to guess what he was on about, and when i ask him and he explains, i'm sure it will all become crystal clear. I shall of course slap my head appropriately and go "D'ohhh! Of course!"
To Carl, who i tentatively and not without fear, call one of my best friends. Still hasn't got his birthday present, yet. It's really ACE, too, Mr Carl! I may with some amusement, hold it hostage until i receive my Christmas present though... Hee-heee! And Hah!
To Cece, who has family that look like pumpkins. Apparently... And i long to meet them all!
To Jessie, who may or may not like the odd "Toke" herself... we can only hope that she's a sharer, eh readers?
To Stella, who is a gal after mah own heart, well probably not literally. I hear hearts really don't sit well on the mantlepiece anyways... no, wot i really mean is that she talks to vegetables and fruits, too! I bet that happens a lot in N.Y. We must meet someday, Miss Stella! (Did i ever mention that we have/had a beer/lager in England called "Stella Artois"... "Pint o' Stella" one could hear throughout the pubs in Englandland when ai were a lad. What'd it taste like? Buggered if i know. Probably like piss. Like most of these beer type things that get advertised on telly. Belgian beer now... that's a different story entirely! Oh, and a local brew called Pendle Witch... that wasn't bad in it's time either... I wonder if they still exist...
To Kak Teh, who didn't enter, but likes my pumpkins anyway. So that's all right. Hi, Dear lady!
To Dani, who still has me trying to remember who Jimmy Durante is... guess i'm gonna have to google the answer... very annoying, cos i bet when i find it, i'll be getting all Homer Simpson again... just like with Starbucks' oblique reference (Hmm, i really must remember to check the dictionary first, before using words like "oblique". Still, i'm a genius, so i'll probably get away with it if i'm wrong... won't i?)
To B,who apparently is "no good at competitions". Which is true. Hee! but yer photos and blog are lovely, m'dear. So that more than makes up for it.
And finally, to one of my favourite writers Woman in the Well who should win a prize for awesomeness in words anyway. Love to you!
So... Ye winners...
Yes, "winners", for there are indeed, two...
...Are Lynda a.k.a. Me! And Cece a.k.a. Cece! Who guessed corectly at Pumpkins shyness. But also guessed inadvertently at what is my idea of pumpkin cuteness. Which is that pumpkins don't need a face to be utterly cute. They just are. If they were people, they'd be your bestest friends evah! EVAH! And utterly cool. Without even trying. Or having a face. Or even limbs.
So ladies, i await yer breathlessly contacting me with address details and demanding yer prezzies forthwith. I shall of course leave a comment at yer blogs and probably email yer... whichever i think requires the least effort at the time...
Please note. If ya DO want any pics, there may well be a delay of some months before i am able to process and send them. Any Cd's sent will go via air mail ASAP and be hand-crafted with whatever crappy art medium i find lying around the house. Last time it was some of my photos cut to size... time before that was pastilles, er pastels? Anyways-
And i wish i could give you ALL prizes. *sigh* You've all been most entertaining in yer answers.
Anyway. Next up. Other stuff.
"Will it be fun? " i hear you cry.
5.2.05 | Competition Stuff! Yaay!
But first, i offer you a peek into the secret world of Da Saturnyne, via the crazy desktop competition of the illimitable Mr Starbuck who is quite a Mr and also sometime in the near(?) future will be a Mr Groom! with Bride!
Methinks everyone who is anyone will be entering THIS competition and showing off their "amazing" desktops for all to applaud (mock).
I also recall that a certain Cece wanted to view piccies of my comps... so that's another piccie request fulfilled somewhat... enjoy the detail, me dear.
(Roll of drum. LOUD drum!)
It's Tiiiime! Ladeez an Germs! Forrrr... The Saturnyne's Extraordinarily Grand Competition With A Real Prize!
It's time for
What's My Pumpkin!?!?!
A little while ago, the aforementioned Cece, asked for a piccie of my lovely Pumpkin as one of her photo requests. And on behalf of her, i asked da Pumpkin if she had any pics i could post of her... and the little scamp sent me the pic below... I bet she was giggling as she sent it, too!
So it gave me, The Saturnyne, an idea for this competition. And all you have to do is vaguely comment on which one of the pumpkins below is mai Pumpkin and why. You can enter this competition as many times as you want. Your answer can be anything at all in fact. And the winner is the one which i like the most.
And the prize? Well, when the competition is over , i will send the winner either:
A: A cd quality recording (On a cd obviously) of my favourite (And currently unavailable, i believe) album of all time, which is American Music Club's 'Everclear'.
B: A cd chocablock full of MP3's (Or AAC, or WMA) of my fave music... some of which will be unavailable stuff by the aforementioned A.M.C.
C: An A3 size print of one of my photo's. This is in an Archival Matte quality and guaranteed to last for the duration of yer life or 75 years) prividing you don't do dumb stuff like putting it in direct sunlight...
D: Two A4 size prints of equal quality to C
Any of which i will ship to your address by the fastest, least ridiculously expensive mode i can find. So that means C and D will most likely take weeks and even weeks!
Pumpkin And Family?