28.6.04 | Blackbirds and Karaoke
THis evening, i was most distressed to hear a very bad rendition of "Under the Boardwalk" (A Drifters song? I dunno... my parents have it in their record collection somewhere, i do know that). Not only that, but several other songs were also being cruelly murdered in a fit of drunken pique by my neighbours havinng a barbeque down the street in a style not seen since the last film about Hannibal Lecter ... i peered out of the window to ascertain which house this barbaric outrage was coming from... some vague idea of phoning the police, after all, surely some terrorist act was being committed in my very neighbourhood?
So i'm looking out the window, locate the source- it's gotta be Osama himself, surely? Nothing else could be that "evil", could it?... hmm apart from perhaps the sight of Tony with his tongue deeply superglued into Dubya's buttocks...and all their friends doing similar- but i'm digressing. So i'm looking out, and i gradually become aware of a blackbird sitting calmly on a telegraph pole, about 30' above the "sounds". He's a bird i'm very familiar with, although we haven't got past flirting at the bird-table over caterpillars, and he's normally singing at this time of the evening...
He's not singing now though. Oh dearie-me, no! In fact he looks distinctly unimpressed. He's just sat there, with a pained look on his beak. Indignation welling up within him, he's maintaining great self-discipline, but it's all too plain for me to see, as we're on very good terms, IE: i feed him and his missus, and He sings for me. Obviously a music lover, as all musicians are, I instinctively sense that he's wishing himself capable of wielding heavy artillery and pointing it at this black hole of talent.
And he's thinking "Well, there goes the fookin' neighbour'ood! Bastards."
5 comments :.
| Squirrels!...and golfing....
Today, ladies and germs, i wanna talk to yers about a subject that's close to my heart. Golfing. Although, i have to say, it's close to my heart in a way that a dagger thrust between the ribs is close. A dagger that then gets twisted in a nasssty way. Yeah, i don't like golf. It's a snobs game, for the most part. (Like tennis. In this country). Yer get golf courses all over the place, eating into the environment, which then get these "Keep Out" signs plastered around the borders, while the toffs and the well-off wander around in their elitist little buggies, wearing their golfing accoutrements (Hey! I've never used that word before! Cool!) and their weird little clown suits which beg "Eviscerate me" to any sane person. Actually, i call upon all right-thinking human beings... or anyone with an ounce of compassion for the human race, or just me even, to take them to the vets and put them to sleep. Failing that, just hit them with big sticks. Please?! I could offer small rewards...?
...But my real concern is for the grey squirrels.... yeah, the less well-off cousins of the ingenious red-squirrels (See previous posts)... they obviously need to be given a boost up in the world. So.
I say...
"Why not train them as guided-golf-balls?" (For those golfers who can't afford all that expensive tuition)
What we could do; is kit them out with little crash-helmets and heavy padding. And stunt parachutes!
That way, the punters can thwack them in the general direction of the hole, and if their aim is a bit off the squirrel can happily release it's parachute and funkily guide itself nearer to the hole. WE could even design little jet-packs for 'em!
...of course the armour etc, would have to be of excellent quality... either that or we'd need a lot of squirrels. Hey, but that would be fun too, wouldn't it!
5 iron
swing
*skutch*
or *whoosh!*
Some peeps might say that "this is terrible!"; "cruelty to animals" and all that. But i say, nooo. It's gainful employment for 'em. Besides., who wants 'em doin' this http://trident.spodemedia.net/Sam/squizz.htm all day long?
Bunch of layabout scroungers if you ask me.
"But they're so cuuute!"
"Yeah? What's yer point? They're still gonna look cute when yer bludgeon them with your golf-clubs. Just more...mashy-and-pulpy-cute... besides if they live, they'll look cute with jetpacks and parachutes and flying helmets, too! I think we win all round. I'm off to the park to gather... samples"
(I have a feeling i'm gonna come back and edit this some more later... lol)
4 comments :.
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
(sigh!) You don't half write some rubbish sometimes, I mean come on, grey squirrels in armour instead of golf balls ? Think about it for a bit, as soon as you put an average grey in an amount of armour strong enough to survive a decent drive it's not going to fit in the hole is it ? You think the PGA is going to enlarge the holes ? Nope I'm sorry as far as rodent golf ball replacements go you're going to have to look at dormice or possible a vole, look don't give me that union and equal oppertunities rubbish physics is physics and the buggers are just too damn big.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
What about highly trained baby squirrels, then?
Besides, come to think about it... they only have to hold the ball in flight and then PUT the golf ball in the hole... not actually get in there with it... should be a doddle!
Problem solved.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Goddam! that link doesn't work anymore!
Now you will no longer get to see the cute squirrel busking band on the park bench
*sadness*
S.
hollered thusly:
ooo so before you adopted the V signoff you used...interesting
Now, as for your views of golf and the bashing of small animals. Golf is not so much of a hobby of mine but i have played before quite a few times (not in the correct attire of course (dont understand how playing in such a restricting and stiff costume can allow you to play to your full potential, my this is a bit of a long bracket thingy) and i quite enjoyed it, whacking a ball with a stick and doing some of the clever trick shots (like curling (draw/fade shot, brackets within brackets now, woop!) and the putting over your head thing make it quite fun). I find golf a great way to relieve stress at least for me anyway, just imagine that tiny ball is the head of anyone who are especially annoyed at and just swing away without any re-percussions.
The squirrel idea is quite ingenious and after watching scrubs i have found that the best way to catch a squirrel is with a boxing glove and a sack or bag, although what might add an extra dimension to your game is to fit the tiny squirrels with an electronic device that shocks them so the person who hits the shot can choose when the squirrel should drop the ball as lets face it, how can such a tiny animal cope with flying let alone having to comprehend when they should release the ball.
Tophat/Alex
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27.6.04 | Does God Exist? (the results)
Well, i haven't thus far been receiving of six hunnerd squids, yet, but i'm sorry to say that i've been rather lax of my experimenting (ie: praying). So... the results have been inconclusive... except for one thing... which i'll come to in a moment...
Instead, i've been doing rather a lot of cursing. Especially at my pc's, which really really like to crash. Fuck! Soo... the new one has just cost me, erm, the six hunnerd squids (Or "Ouches" if you prefer) in repairs which i really really should have been doing that praying for... Of course, it might have not cost me anything, if i hadn't been in such a hedonistic rush for excitement in the first place (But that's another story).
THank God (Bah!- Do i have to?!), that i can laugh about it (Bitterly and through the tears. Hah!) instead. It's true! I really am laughing about it... look!- hahahaha-hah! See?
So anyway, a conclusion (of sorts):
Being a practising Christian, or even a practising Muslim, Jew, Buddhist or anything else i've blithely missed... requires a great deal of effort methinks. And whatever your faith or non-faith, it deserves your respect. And, as for believing in God/Allah/Jehovah... it probably sounds silly to say this, but it requires a great deal of, well... faith... A believer, so it seems to me, puts a lot of effort into all this... for what appears to be very little feedback.
I want to believe in God, these days. I know i used to (Not in a going-to-church way), but i look around me today, and i see people suffering, and a planet being ravaged and poisoned, and terrible cruelty, sometimes done in His name, and i wonder; where is He in all this? And i also see great acts of bravery and kindness in the most terrible of circumstances, and sometimes, yes sometimes, i think i can see Him at work in these (often) most humble of people. And for a moment i have hope of a better, kinder, stronger, freer world...
But the bad things keep happening. How long have we humans been around, now? From early savages to, well... we're still savages, aren't we? We may be more technologically advanced, but that just means we can do more damage more quickly... more efficiently... There doesn't seem to be any purpose to humanity...
so:
Dear God, how are you? i know you don't mind me having doubts about you (After all, didn't many saints, and even your own son, occasionally), but i rather think we need you in a more direct manner now, before all this gets out of hand and we destroy everything on the planet... including ourselves... 2000 years ago your son really caused quite a stir... i hear that he's due to make a return trip at some point... perhaps that could be your new Genesis? To be honest, though, i'd happily settle for a burning bush or something in the meantime... y'know, just to set the mood?
In fact a sign, of any kind will do for me, so long as i recognize it as such. In return... well all i have is me... a poor return, i'm sure... but my loyalty would certainly be unwavering... i'm like that... even if i grumble a lot...
amen
PS. No offence intended to anyone of religious persuasion who happens 'pon my blog.
PPS. Next up: more on squirrels again! Yaay!
1 comments :.
hollered thusly:
the thing i dont get about the whole christianity thing is that if we're all god's children whats so special about jesus?
jimmy carr
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22.6.04 | The BIG question: Does God exist? (And if so, will He find me £600 quid by the end of the week?)
Sooo, my "scientific" hypothesis is this: if i pray a lot for money, American evangelical style; Will the big G. answer? (If anyone else wants to pray too, feel free, as i'm sure it's gonna increase the odds...er, somewhat)
Any negative results obviously may just mean that that Mr God doesn't have much time for sinners or evangelists or cash obsessed folks... Or that i am crap at praying, so we may have to define other praying tests... until we have proof!
(Suggestions for "tests" of all kinds are welcome, of course!)
I'm sure if i'm able to prove (after my fashion), that squirrels can hang-glide, pumpkins can talk and that carrots are very, very angry indeed... then this should be a doddle!
(famous last words)
(hah!)
1 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
ONO! terribly sorry for scaring you! O-dear!- THe guilt! The GUILTTTT! I was rather hoping for a few laughs rather than out and out fear! Still... it's a result of some kind (?) and i should be grateful for that...
Oh wait a moment! You say you like being scared? coool.
Relief all round then! Phewwww! THink i deserve a drink, then...
Now then young lady... d'yer wanna hear something REALLY scary....? (lol)
Utterly delighted for your post. Thanks... will happily return the favour anytime... yr webpage made moi laugh... and that's a commodity i value enormously...
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20.6.04 | Ciao, Bambino! (The Saturnyne does it in Italian! Con la linguetta nella guancica)
Saluti a tutti gli miei oggetti leali! È io! - Il assassin di realtà più grande dei mondi! Ho pensato che inviassi questo in una lingua straniera oggi che per mezzo del traduttore dei pesci de Babele. È molto freddo!
Ti amo! Ti amo tutti! Ed assassinerò le vostre realtà per libero! Poiché ti amo tutti così tanto!
Ps: voluptious e crisalide come le signore - sono inoltre grande in base!
PPs: Quello era divertimento!
2 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
i should point out here, that the translation is a bit rough around the edges when translated back into English... but tres funny... er, i think...
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
actually, for anyone who can't be arsed looking for the babel fish web page, here's the msg re-translated... i think it kinda loses something...:
"Salutes to all my loyal objects! He is I! - the assassin of greater truth of the worlds! I have thought that you today sended to this in one foreign language that for means of the translator of the fish de Confusion. It is much cold! I love to you! I love you all! And I will assassinate your truths for free! Since I love you all therefore a lot! Ps: voluptious and crisalide as the getlteman - they are moreover large in base! PPs: That one was divertimento!"
I can't possibly repeat what the last bit is about... it's too embarrassing...
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19.6.04 | Conversations With My Pumpkin (pt2 We Are Not Alone!!!)
Aah, where was i? Oyeh, the BIG question... well, forget about that for the moment, it's not important.... (Hah!) Today we have more vocalizing 'tween moi an' mah lovely globe of orange fruity/vegetableness... well pumpkins behave more like a vegetable in the kitchen, if you ask me, but then i am a completely useless chef and know nothing... can't even boil toast fer goodness sake.
Anywaaaay... You find Pumpkin and me halfway through a phone conversation wherein Pumpkin has been discussing feeling a bit under the weather, and generally crappy, in a vague kind of way. The kind of thing we all endure in this stressful modern world. (Thank-You God, for giving us the freedom to invent capitalism {The source of all modern evils, but especially the evil of MORE work-LESS pay}. I'll be wanting a word with you about that and also free-will when i see you next, ok? IT's maybe NOT always a good thing?)
"...so i'm feeling kinda spacey at the moment... and quite light-headed."
"Aah, mai beloved orangeness, and does the back of your head feel somewhat achy in anyways?"
"Well, more my entire head really-...! Wait a minute! Is this conversation leading up to one of those unbearably surreal anecdote things of yours, 'cause if it is i may have to maim you somewhat."
"What?! Noooo... i was just wondering if your squirrel had escaped, that's all. Through the trapdoor in the rear of your skull. Surely you knew we were all automatons controlled by highly advanced red squirrels using a cunning array of levers and wheels and steam technology (That's why we're so gassy!) It's all for their personal pleasure and amusement, of course. It's 'cause they're so modern, they had nothing better to do so they invented us and so we're just the puppets of their pleasure...
They also like to hang-glide, too!"
"Is there ever any possibility of you doing surrealism with just quick, snappy punchlines? Instead of... this!?..."
"...What do you mean, hang-glide? And why red squirrels?"
Imagine now, gentle reader, Pumpkins look of horror as the realization dawns that a cunning trap has been sprung, and that further conversation on the subject must now be endured. Still Pumpkin endures well... pumpkins are kind that way... they probably make good charity workers, or vets... or something along similar lines.
"Well, you remember that redhead with the so-called pony-tail we saw on the bus the other day? Well that was sooo obviously a recently landed red squirrel, as it hadn't yet had time to pull it's cute bushy little tail back into the hatch". (On the rear of the skull, as you no doubt astutely recall)
(just go with me on this, ok, reader, otherwise your personal squirrel might stamp it's little feet impatiently when you think too hard, and you'll then get a headache).
"You do realize you are talking complete bollocks? You do, don't you!? Because God help us all if you don't. And you haven't yet explained why it's red squirrels".
"No!!! It's all true, i've seen them. Hang-gliding! And they wear these little biggles hats and goggles. They've even got their own flying clubs!"
"AAAaarghhhh! What kind of drugs are you on, eh? Eh? Have you seen a doctor?"
"...And the reason why it's red squirrels is cos they're more well off and can afford to move into the the nice des-res automatons... and that's why we think they're dying out. But they're not of course..."
"You know i love you, don't you?"
"Yeah, mah, Pumpkinness. Yer mah bestest friend in the whole wide world, and everything!"
"Good, because it's my love that stops me from prodding you off the roofs of tall buildings with pointy sticks... Or stapling your thumbs together again."
"Although, if you carry on down this line of thinking, especially when i'm expecting some sympathy from you for feeling pretty shitty today, i may just forget that i am kindness personified..."
"erm... okay... so, darlin' have yer taken any paracetamols, then? You poor thing!"
And don't patronize me, either!"
0 comments :.
16.6.04 | Today, The Saturnyne Asks The BIG question.
Greetings, o' ye mortals of lesser wis- Holy crap! Is that the time?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?
er...
I'll get back to you on this one...
Don't go away...
I just need a little nap, beauty sleep and all that
0 comments :.
15.6.04 | "Edit Profile"!!!! Where's my effing "Edit Profile" button gone??!!?!?!?!
Some bastards gone and nicked it! Arse! I was so looking forward to including funky new stuff in my profile today. New interests! Like tree-smooching and flower-tongueing! yeaaahhh!- I looove nature. The birds and the bees? Bin there. And they were satisfied and begging for more, the slags! Hamster-bothering? I should coco! If it moves, i'll ravish it. If it doesn't i'll still ravish it! If it's dead, ill have a shower afterwards!
Although i draw the line at invertebrates and flies... I have some standards dammit!
...normal service will be resumed in due course... or whatever passes for normal... anything that you can't handle after that, is entirely your own fault...
5 comments :.
Tam hollered thusly:
Ha! You're a nutter.
Thankyou for your most charming email, sir, I'm crap at replying -- so until I do -- know that it has arrived and was most appreciated!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Dear Lady,
Th' pleasure was all mine
(affects deep and over-elaborate bow, last seen in the reign of the good Queen Bess)
(And pulls a muscle)
(and falls over)
(And writhes around on floor in stupendous agony)
(And yet somehow still manages to look amazingly cute and charismatic)...
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
As a Saturnyne, may i refer you to my comment posted on June 8th below,i feel it may also give you equal pleasure! And the name of this blog ,too, while we're at it... although i wouldn't want to over-excite you too much, so maybe you shouldn't stare at it too long...
I also see no need to alter my commentary, seeing as it was written at a ridiculous time of the morning after a pleasantly large amount of something or other... as such i am illimitably and disgustingly pleased with it...
And shouldn't you be at school? Shouldn't you be too busy marking books/filling out reports/ being abused by childs to bother yourself with my grammar? I dunno, teachers, eh? Way too much time on their hands, if yer ask me... hah!
Finally, i am absolutely furious that, if you are who you say you are- then you're not who i thought you were; meaning one of my friends pulling a fast one. D'oh! (Unless yr bluffing. That would b sneaky) Think i'll have to resort to Plan S. here...
PS. Why did you think i was referring just to female birds and bees, hmm? Hahahahahahaha
PPS. Still, it was nice of you to post a msg, and i've had a pleasant few mins replying. I did rather grin (after my own fashion) when i read it.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
mmm?
yeah yeah. ok. but it's also a way of being...
you should see my other blogs in progress... i have The Saturnynes Water Closet, Kitchen, Boudoir, Pantry, Vestibule, Lunge, and Swimming Pool, not to mention the Saturnyne Can't Be Arsed (dot com).... erm, not sure where this post is going now, so i shall look off into the distance in a fit of Victorian Melancholy and think of pretty flowers....mmmmmmmmmm
hollered thusly:
heroes has started so im leaving my bookmark here and i shall continue at a later date
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12.6.04 | The Saturnyne has an idea for childrens telly!
English readers may remember Gordon the Gopher, Basil Brush, Sooty, Bodger and Badger(My favourite! So esoteric and deep. No i'm not joking), and people the world over know about the puppets on Sesame Street.
Well i think it's time Childrens telly was upgraded, updated and, er, upholstered... So i'm proud to present: My New Idea... read on (With apologies to mah Pumpkin, and any other fruits/vegetables who know me well...
The Scene:
A brightly coloured television studio. Wacky slogans daubed cheerfully across the walls. Funky camera angles.
Action: The camera pans jauntily towards one (Or maybe two if we can get 'em) of those vacant-headed youthful looking television presenters, rictus-grin fixed permanently upon their faces, wearing the kind of trendy clothes that beg you accesorize with a viciously bladed instrument. But we'll come to that in a moment...
The presenter is lying on a dining table, huge amounts of blood are flowing freely over the edges and pooling heavily on the floor beneath. (This is last weeks presenter, incidentally) They've still got that grin, of course... it's genetic, you see...
The width of the grin is matched only by the massive gaping wound in the chest cavity... cue announcer...
"And now childs, it's time forrrr... LIVVY THE LIVER!!!"
(Cue banging music)
Youthful presenter appears, to rounds of applause and squeals of delight from the pre-pubescent studio audience. looking nervous (but still smiling) the youthful presenter reaches tentatively into the gaping chest wound. (Funky squelching noises as he roots around for a painfully long time). Then pulls out a genuine human liver! Dripping with good, wholesome blood! Yaay!
presenter: "Hello Livvy!" (desperately trying to be funky)
liver: "Squelch-squelch."
presenter:(voice quavering) "And what have we got lined up for the children today, Livvy!?!"
liver: "Squelch-squelch-squelch."
presenter: "Uhh- surprise vivisection, you say?!?"
and so on... How could it not be a success?!?! The kids will love it! The adults will love it! THe psychiatrists will love it!
2 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Tchah! no-one's commented on this. so i will. This is an utterly wonderful post. I laugh myself sick everytime i think of CTV with a Livvy on it. In fact they should hire me. I can be the new Matthew Corbett (WAs that the Sooty guys name?)
All conquering and mighty, 'pon my blood-soaked pedestal of light entertainment.
They should hire me immediately.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
THanks Dan! Coolio!
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11.6.04 | 'Western Sky' by American Music Club (for all the unhappy bloggers of the world)
Time for me to go away
I'll get a new name, I'll get a new face
Time for me to go away
No I don't belong in this place
But I'm not gonna ask you why
You think the parade has passed you by
Or if everything good is gone into the western sky
I hate to see you look that way
All the beauty has left your face
That's such an easy thing to give away
That's impossible to replace
So I'll take you in my two weak hands
And I'll throw you so high
Just to watch you fall forever in the western sky
And when you land you'll turn into some kind of prize
Into somebody's sweet prize
I won't see you no more
Who am I to rate that high
The world's a shadow of what went before
The world gives off none of its own light
So please be happy baby
And please don't cry
Even though the parade has passed us by
Well you can still see it shining in the western sky
So why won't you stop crying
You can still see it shining
0 comments :.
| Checking Out The "Neighbourhood"
I haven't much experience of blogs. The only two i've ever looked at more than once, were Mr Salaam Pax's, 'Where is Raed' blog from the centre of Baghdad. And the 'Belle-de-Jour(U.K.)' blog which is rather fascinating, seeing as it's all about a London callgirls life. Whether true or not, it's well written... umm, i'll post the urls here at a later date when i've learnt how... or rather, when i can be bothered to learn how...
So i decided to have a wander around the blog universe. Check out my nearest neighbours ("Neighbours" being the one's sharing the same (Perhaps i should amusedly say "similar"?) interests.
It astonishes me! So many unhappy people. So many! So very much pain. Call me a big softie
("Yaah!- Yer big softie!")
("Feck off! Yer fecking fecker!"
("Oh! Awww... allright then. Sorry. Bye then. Can i come back later?")
("No. Feck off!"
Anyway, as i was saying: ...blah blah blah big softie... but i really wanted to hug each and every one of them.
Hmm, a serial hugger of the internet! Imagine doing that in real life:
"Hi. You look a bit sad. Can i hug you?"
"Arghh! Get away from me, you freak!!!"
"Just a little hug. How bad could that be?"
"Help! Police!"
So in the end i did nothing (For now). But i am unable to forget... soo... any blogger wanting a hug is welcome to leave a message on my site, lounge around with me awhile in my deckchairs and eat my tainted biscuits (see first post), and i'll get right back to yer. (Smiles a huge friendly and disarming smile. Milk and blood curdle. Children cry. Kings die. Ravens circle and tell bad jokes).
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| The Raven
I saw a raven today... no don't laugh!-in truth i'm astonished at such a thing. Ravens in Harle Syke are as rare as Golden Eagles, or penguins, i'm sure. Or maybe not, in this past year, there have been a large variety of "unusual" birds dropping in on this area... mainly on my back street... birds such as sparrowhawks, kestrels, to name the more exotic... birds i've not seen here ever before. On a deep level, which i can't quite pin down or put words to (now there's a first) i find myself... troubled...
Anyway, there it was, a huge black bird, being hassled, and hassling in return. a pair of rooks... i rather think it won conclusively, after all a raven in flight is rather skilled and acrobatic, then it sat, brooding and smug and magnificent on a flagpole for a little while before flying over and landing on my chimney. MY chimney. Bloody hell!-The cheek! But how did it come to be here?
I don't know whether to be flattered or highly disturbed. Ravens being a portent of forthcoming doom... or fortune...
Ah, me and my superstitions...
It might mean impending death. (Oh great, weeell, that's something to look forward to. I don't think). Or it might mean prosperity for my family and me. (Much better. We really need the money. Yaay!). It all depends how you look at the "signs"... How skilled an oracle you are... It's certainly a bird with reputation, from North America, where the real Americans had as many legends about the bird as there were tribes. To the Celtic tribes of Britain and Europe, where divination using all the members of the Corvidae family was much in practice. To the Middle East, where the dark bird is called Abu Zajir or "Father of Omens". Cool name.
And we mustn't forget the Nordic peoples. Absolutely not! Especially as there is a valley near here with... certain properties... If i recall my Norse mythology, the god Odin kept two ravens, Hugin (Thought) and Munin (Memory). The ravens would fly throughout the world and return to Odin telling him of all that occurred. Veeery useful...
Ah well, i don't think i'll ever see it again. As i said, Ravens are rare birds at the best of times. I like them, i think they know how to have a laugh. It's a lifestyle i think i shall try and remember, when things go wrong...
0 comments :.
10.6.04 | Arg!
Damned headache! This was gonna be a long post, but due to Some Things having a loud party inside my head, (apparently they like drum and bass)i have decided to keep this post to a minimum.
So.
To reiterate.
Arg!
1 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
You've questioned my sanity? Blameh!
... what did you ask it?!!?!?!
Blameh!
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9.6.04 | 144 Fucks of Various Lengths, or, One Gross! (for the pleasure of the pedantically minded and the easily ofended)
Fuck! Fuuuuckk! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Fucking fuck! Fuck! Fuck fuck! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. fuck! Fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck! Fuck! Fuck Fuck! Fuck.
1 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Is this art? Is THIS art?!?! I don't care about that, but what i DO care about is that if you stare at my fucks long enough you start to feel dizzy. Cool. Mebbei'll come back to this one in a years time and really fill the screen. Also, if you say/read a word often enough, it just blurs into a pattern...
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8.6.04 | The Loathing of Carrots
Many of my fans have been quietly asking about my last post, "Why does he keep a large hammer in the kitchen drawer"?
"Aaarh", i nod, all sagely, (in a bad Devonshire accent)... "That woulde bea too stop'n they carrots from getting all uppity, loike. Th' threat of a good olde hamm'rin' 'bairt th' chops, be keepin' them in thair place, it do".
You ever seeen jumpy carrots?! Yaay!!! Jumpy carrots! Jumpy carrots! Juuuumpyyy- CARROTS!... er... where was i? Oh yeah, let me tell you about carrots and why we need to keep a tight leash on them:
You think i'm making this all up, don't you? You're thinking "Phshaw! He's making this all up. And he's obviously barmy".
but nooo-ooo, you unbeliever you! I can prove it. All you need to do is walk through a carrot field on a quiet, sunday afternoon, with a blue sky and a bright sun over head... maybe the odd cute-looking cloud shaped like a teddy-bear, passing serenely by. A gentle breeze, stirring your hair and keeping yer just on the right side of 'too hot'. Alone.
And then you sense it: The Loathing of Carrots
...rows and rows of orangeness (with the leafy haircuts obviously) all turning their malevolent gazes towards you. Hating you. Resenting you. Contemptious of you. As you barge noisily into their field in a most disrespectful manner. Unmindful of their culture stroke society and feelings. It can be quite overwhelming, i can tell you. Grown men have been known to faint with fright and nausea at the waves of hatred bent upon them...
"But they're carrots!" i hear you exclaim. "And whoever heard of carrots with 'gazes' Phshaw!"
Ah, And. That. Is . My. Point. (I rest my case. Triumphantly). Thank-you, and goodnight.
0 comments :.
7.6.04 | Conversations With My Pumpkin (pt1 If Saturnyne Was a Dentist...)
So there i was, happily dwelling on the thought of another return to my dentist, chatting with grim cheeriness to my Pumpkin.
"I hate my teeth, why do they pain me so? What'd i ever do to them, eh?! It's not as if i don't treat them nicely, brush them every day and such... and wisdom teeth- were they designed by the gods simply to make MY life a misery?" (Yeah, it's mememe all the way)
"mmm... yes".
"Why can't our scientists invent teeth that are genetically modified to screw out... y'know, so you can replace them with nice friendly teeth?" (BTW, do speech marks come before or after the full stops?)
Pumpkin smiles with pained yet polite expression. This conversation (or more a monologue of moaning) has been going on for some small while, now, and Pumpkin knows, from past experience where these conversations might lead...
"It wouldn't work. Your teeth wouldn't have enough room to twist around- they'd catch on your other teeth"
"Well okay, what about teeth with levers, then?"
"If you don't shut up about your teeth, i'll make sure you won't ever have to worry about them ever, ever again, 'cause i will have smashed them all out with an exceedingly large hammer!"
"...yeah, and then my teeth would need little airbags, to cushion the impact. Or little parachutes, so they can float gently to earth, as you knock them lovingly out..." Excitedly i start drawing little diagrams on a napkin. (Actually it was a notepad, but you always hear about the geniuses of the world doodling their bluprints for atomic bombs and theories of gravity on little napkins in restaurants. So napkins sound more. Glamorous.) AS i do so i make eager proclamations of how i will revolutionize dentistry. Perhaps ageing and decrepit Hollywood Stars will be my customers? After all they need something to spend their fortunes on...
...Meanwhile, Pumpkin smiles politely and forcedly. Then goes to retrieve the hammer seen earlier in a kitchen drawer...
4 comments :.
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
" (BTW, do speech marks come before or after the full stops?)"
All punctuation marks should be contained within the speech marks.
And I had to set up a damn blog site of my own to write this FFS.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
of course, you could've just emailed me... d'oh! Or chosen a cool name like erm, "Dragon Longwind" ;)
...like someone ELSE did...
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
Emailed you ? How dull would that have been ? And as for picking a cool name to generate an air of mystery and intrigue, well no, no really I couldn't or it'd have to be back to the eye stabbing.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
mmm, i'm not sure that i implied that "Dragon Longwind" was a cool name? *ahem* no disrespect to Mr Longwind, though... whoever they are... hah!
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6.6.04 | Mmm... Welcome?
Aaah, my first post. Let me introduce myself. I'm The Saturnyne. And i'm your host for this cornucopia of thrills and heart-stopping excitement that we shall vulgarly call a "Blog". Delightful.
Oyeh- Charmed. Pleased to meet'cha. Pull up a deckchair an' sitclose. I promise not ter eat'cha. Tea, anyone? The biscuits are in that tin over there. The one that says with gravity: "Opening this tin... will result in calamity and destruction for the opener". Yeah, yeah, Top shelf. You'll need to use this handy dandy virtual ladder that i've conjured mysteriously out of nowhere...
T'chah! Who'd've thought biscuits could be soooo very interesting? But i'm sure You'll be perfectly... safe...
2 comments :.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
hmm..."Dragon Longwind", eh... methinks we have already met, no?... i note with no small amusement that ye've naught about you in yer (very recently created) bio... so i shall assume graciously that you happened upon my capricious little world, and were so very impressed, you instantly declared your undying loyalty and fanship by creating your own account,simply to post something on mine first. Thank-you. Thank-you.
as for revealing aught about myself, or why i created this page. I can only say cheerily, with glittering-toothed smile, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"... or something similar...
hollered thusly:
well i've just realised that i've read your first month of blogs backwards (hand to forehead) not sure how i didn't spot it with that part 1/2 of the pumpkin pillow sesh and the references to earlier posts, but hey i'm new to this so thats my excuse :P
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Thank 'ee for dropping by my blog and leaving such a beautifully executed comment...
What's the humble blackbird ever done to you...now if you'd heard my rendition of 'under the boardwalk', then you'd know you were in trouble.
As to God, I guess as a heretic I shouldn't comment, but perhaps this little tiny island of ours is becoming ever more secular.
And thank you soooo much for that image of Tony and George. I have been deeply wounded by the sight!
ps...Emperor Norton (a like in your profile)...is that the Emperor of America as championed by Neil Gaiman??? It's tugging at my brain...
howdy (smiles)
welcome.
welcome!
Yeahh... it was Neil wot got me turned onto him (Emperor Norton; there's some pretty interesting sites scattered around the net about him... some of them even have pick-chass!)... and James Branch Cabell (you ever read "Jurgen?") and probably several other things, too
Plus, i neglected to mention that i adore Mr McKean, too... i have a lovely little book of his called " A Small Book of Black and White lies"... which is jolly scrumptious!
Y'know, i keep wondering whether i should post this reply back on your page... y'know as in "do people ever go back to a site once visited?" kind of thing... hah!
Gaah!
I have headache now!
I'll have to read this later.
But. DLW. If yr gonna post here, y'gotta not insult my hospitality at least. Only blog and profile gives you that right, methinks.
Or at least be somebody i know. AND know that i know that i know.... erm... that i, um...know...?
well, yea im bored and the heroes marathon isn't on yet and i've found a blog by one of the best characters i met on warcraft! :D i feel kinda of like a kid in a candy store or the time i got promoted to officer and had like 100 topics to read at my disposal and now i find myself in the same situation and im afraid your going to feel the same as i will probably be posting on all of them, not so much because i have something to say more to annoy you :)
so, firstly this blog/topic (what do i call these?) just wanted to say how amazing your writing skills are and i think im going to have great fun reading all of your blogs :D
Tophat/Alex
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