19.6.04 | Conversations With My Pumpkin (pt2 We Are Not Alone!!!)
Aah, where was i? Oyeh, the BIG question... well, forget about that for the moment, it's not important.... (Hah!) Today we have more vocalizing 'tween moi an' mah lovely globe of orange fruity/vegetableness... well pumpkins behave more like a vegetable in the kitchen, if you ask me, but then i am a completely useless chef and know nothing... can't even boil toast fer goodness sake.
Anywaaaay... You find Pumpkin and me halfway through a phone conversation wherein Pumpkin has been discussing feeling a bit under the weather, and generally crappy, in a vague kind of way. The kind of thing we all endure in this stressful modern world. (Thank-You God, for giving us the freedom to invent capitalism {The source of all modern evils, but especially the evil of MORE work-LESS pay}. I'll be wanting a word with you about that and also free-will when i see you next, ok? IT's maybe NOT always a good thing?)
"...so i'm feeling kinda spacey at the moment... and quite light-headed."
"Aah, mai beloved orangeness, and does the back of your head feel somewhat achy in anyways?"
"Well, more my entire head really-...! Wait a minute! Is this conversation leading up to one of those unbearably surreal anecdote things of yours, 'cause if it is i may have to maim you somewhat."
"What?! Noooo... i was just wondering if your squirrel had escaped, that's all. Through the trapdoor in the rear of your skull. Surely you knew we were all automatons controlled by highly advanced red squirrels using a cunning array of levers and wheels and steam technology (That's why we're so gassy!) It's all for their personal pleasure and amusement, of course. It's 'cause they're so modern, they had nothing better to do so they invented us and so we're just the puppets of their pleasure...
They also like to hang-glide, too!"
"Is there ever any possibility of you doing surrealism with just quick, snappy punchlines? Instead of... this!?..."
"...What do you mean, hang-glide? And why red squirrels?"
Imagine now, gentle reader, Pumpkins look of horror as the realization dawns that a cunning trap has been sprung, and that further conversation on the subject must now be endured. Still Pumpkin endures well... pumpkins are kind that way... they probably make good charity workers, or vets... or something along similar lines.
"Well, you remember that redhead with the so-called pony-tail we saw on the bus the other day? Well that was sooo obviously a recently landed red squirrel, as it hadn't yet had time to pull it's cute bushy little tail back into the hatch". (On the rear of the skull, as you no doubt astutely recall)
(just go with me on this, ok, reader, otherwise your personal squirrel might stamp it's little feet impatiently when you think too hard, and you'll then get a headache).
"You do realize you are talking complete bollocks? You do, don't you!? Because God help us all if you don't. And you haven't yet explained why it's red squirrels".
"No!!! It's all true, i've seen them. Hang-gliding! And they wear these little biggles hats and goggles. They've even got their own flying clubs!"
"AAAaarghhhh! What kind of drugs are you on, eh? Eh? Have you seen a doctor?"
"...And the reason why it's red squirrels is cos they're more well off and can afford to move into the the nice des-res automatons... and that's why we think they're dying out. But they're not of course..."
"You know i love you, don't you?"
"Yeah, mah, Pumpkinness. Yer mah bestest friend in the whole wide world, and everything!"
"Good, because it's my love that stops me from prodding you off the roofs of tall buildings with pointy sticks... Or stapling your thumbs together again."
"Although, if you carry on down this line of thinking, especially when i'm expecting some sympathy from you for feeling pretty shitty today, i may just forget that i am kindness personified..."
"erm... okay... so, darlin' have yer taken any paracetamols, then? You poor thing!"
And don't patronize me, either!"
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