22.10.04 | Conversations With My Pumpkin (Pt.5. Interior Cadaver Wiring)
Ah, the continuing sage of The Saturnyne and his Pumpkin. Newcomers may be wanting to catch up on previous conversations, so here they are for your delectation and delight:
(Extra information. Pumpkin and i have been best friends for over 15 years, i think... although she didn't realize this at first. It took a lot of persistent stalking on my part to convince her that, yes, she did indeed need me and sadly, couldn't live without my charming companionship. We were a couple for a little while during that time, until she realized that her one true love was Colin Firth playing Mr. Darcy. It may also have had something to do with me being a useless tosser, but we'll skip lightly over that small detail... after all, if George and Tony can do it, why can't i? Still... She's only one of two people that i have ever considered marrying. We may not be a couple, but i love and adore her immensely.)
now read on, o' marvellous ones!
"...so i'd thought about having you stuffed with the help of a taxidermist and put in a corner of the room"
(Ah that's my Pumpkin. She can't bear to be without me. She really does love me!)
"But of course, Orangy-Light-Of-My-Life! Anything for youuu."
"And if at some point you could do some cd recordings of your voice, that would be really helpful."
"Oh? How so, my Little Fruitiness?"
"Well i thought i could have you wired with little speakers and a remote control unit. Bung a cd player or something inside, to play your voice and have some wheels and pulleys for movement. Nothing sophisticated... i wouldn't want you behaving unnaturally. Just enough for some simple movements
But i did think it would be nice if i could get you to wave at me occasionally, or do that eye-rolling and eyebrow wagging thing that makes me laugh sometimes. Oh!- And that grin that scares people. That'd come in very handy in case of burglars."
"And what would you have me say, O' Darling Globe of Joy? Something wise and profound no doubt. Perhaps some Shakespearian quotations?- A poetry recital?!?!"
"I don't think so. No. Just the usual bollocks that you seem so capable of uttering on a day to day basis...
(See aforementioned Conversations. Particularly no. 3 for classic examples of The Saturnynes WIT and SOPHISTICATION)
"...And if you continue to call me your 'Darling Globe of Joy' etc. in this conversation or any other time, you may find yourself stuck in the corner sooner than you'd appreciate."
"Shut it, Pleb-Boy. Now, do ya want to give me a date for when you'll be done?"
"The recordings you idiot! Annoying as you are, i still love you too much to get rid of you on a silly whim...
"...Besides, i havent yet told the taxidermist what i want you stuffed with... i did think lavender. After all, then you'd smell sweeter in death than in life..."
(Hey neat idea! Suddenly i like the whole shebang and start enthusing)
"Or what about Helium? I remember this great Eddie Izzard moment, where he was imagining all these smiling cats stuffed with helium, on a string, like balloons!!!"
"Yeah, and i could replace your voice cd, and put some music on whenever i get tired of you speaking, which would be often... Your mouth could open, and the cd would slide out..."
...and there we shall leave it for the present, dear reader... although i might add a special Halloween Pumpkin Conversation on the 31st. Just for you. Oh how lucky you are.
Quote: Getting married is a lot like dying. You don't worry about it much until people start discussing the actual date...
(Well i think it went something like that...)
Actually, on reflection, i have a better one: Love is like a garden shed; If you eat it, it'll stick in yer throat.