19.8.04 | Conversations With My Pumpkin (Pt 4. The Testicles of Love)

("Are we on part 4 already?"
"Shut up! You'll spoil the mood!")

Pumpkin has been feeling pretty low and blehhh for a few days, and so i am indulging in my usual delightful banter in a vain attempt to cheer her up.

"...two Charverscum Nuns in the bath, right? And one sez to the other, "'Ey up!- Yer big fookin' lezzer! 'Ave yuu got that soap up yer flaps again, yer fookin' slag?" An' 'tother sez "Yer, i have. What's it to you anyways? Besides y'know you Fookin' love it!" Ta-daa!"


"Right. right. There were these two sharks swimming in the North Sea. One sez to 'tother. "Bloody 'ell! Two fookin' nuns arguin' in a floating bathtub! Y'don't see them in the wrong joke very often". Boom! Boom!


"Bingy bongy boo?"


Nothing. I suppose i could tell the Really Sick Funny Joke, but i've been saving that one up for a special occasion... besides, it's too sick for the discerning internet blogger... no really. I cast my mind desperately around for something to distract her...

"Ah love yew Pumpkin"


"Ah love yew more than...er..."

Quick! think think. What could i love hugely enough that mai Pumpkin would really appreciate me for loving her more than? And did that last sentence make any sense? Whatsoever? oh i got it..no... don't say that!!

"...mai bollocks!" (too late...)

"What?" (Aha! the ole Reverie-broken-via-astonishment-trick!)

Well i've come this far... got a response...

"Yeah. I love yew more than mai bollocks!"

(Well... it's original)

"No you bloody don't! No wayyy!"

"Yeah! Yehh!- i DO!! Why, if i was to have to choose between yew an' my bollocks, i'd choose yew every time!"

"I don't think soOo!"

"'s true!! I'm hurt. Y'mean y' doubt my love for yew?"

"Well i'm up against your bollocks here, figuratively speaking. Something you've been attached to for a very long time, despite constant attempts to prove to you that they do you more harm than good..."

(I wince at the memories)

"...and i fail to see how you might arrive at a situation where you'd have to choose the bollocks or me... perhaps you'd enlighten me on that count?"

"erm... Well... erm... suppose i had me bollocks in a vice and erm... saw some failing masonry heading towards you, and, erm, my only way to save you was to leap hurriedly towards you and drag you out of the way, and thus in the process lose 'em, um, somewhat painfully, i might add. That might happen... er..."

"What in God's name would your bollocks be doing in a vice!!??!!" (Said apoplectically)

"Well i might be... working on them!" (Said with slight hysteria)

"Working on them?!?! WORKING ON THEM?????!!?!"
(i move phone away slightly from ear. To allow her full expressiveness in my air-space).

...Pleb-Boy, You haven't thought this all the way through, have you?".

And Pumpkin laughs. Phew. Result.

..."Still, you've given me some ideas..."

Oops! =I


  9:49 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Hi Saturnyne! What a totally funny and original post you've made there. I laughed me arse off, i was laughing so much! Plus i ruptured several internal organs, including and especially my lungs, and bled to death through my mouth in a huge and beautifully reflective pool of blood. Several people walking nonchalantly past my corpse afterwards, had lots of fun using same pool of blood as a makeshift slide.

...meanwhile, my liver absconded and appeared on several childrens television shows... it will then be duetting in a single with Kylie Minogue for a special Christmas single...
(I have unusual blood, in that it freezes on contact with the air...demonic parentage, y'see)
(Where's me comments, you fackin' tossers!)

I feeeel unlooooved! *sob*

  7:14 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Wow, Saturnyne! You're sharper than a twist of lemon that's been sculpted into a very fine point! Absolute genius!

You shame all other bloggers into mediocrity with your sublime and matchless ability to throw words around like paper cups.


  2:22 pm :. Blogger Lizzy hollered thusly:

LOL!!!!!!!!!!! *ROFLMAO!!!!*

Good lord that was hilarious! *wipes eyes and applauds*

  3:10 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Lizzy!!! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! You are officially my best friend on the internet today.

(hugs LIzzy and gives her flowers)

  3:22 pm :. Blogger Princess Potty Mouth hollered thusly:

I enjoyed it I really did... I'm in a non communative mood... but I thought I should say something... You seemed to be going through lack of comment withdrawl or something... sorry buddy

  5:17 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Ok. Amanda! Yow can be moi besty friend tomorrow, then!


  6:02 am :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Who is this Pumpkin that she doesn't appreciate such sentiment?!

  2:34 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

WEll, Jessie, Pumpkin has many many great qualities, one of which is a tolerance to my general dumbness and crazed ideas.

She's mah bestest friend in the whole world. Not my gf though as some have supposed... although we did go through such a stage...

She's an incredibly kind and generous person though. And i love her. AStonishingly, she loves me too!


been a while since i saw you posting on me blog. Thought it was a one-off... Do you come here often? (THe Saturnyne amuses himself with that last sentence) Methinks i shall have to take a peek at your own blog again an' see who you are a bit more...

  6:20 am :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Oh you know, I stop by now and then... had some trouble with your Ulysses post though, being something of a freak for punctuation myself.

I expect you to now lament my inability to see beyond the constraints of grammar and punctuation to a wide wide world of artistic expression... to which I say "Bollocks!"

  2:08 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Hah, i know what you mean about punctuation. One can quite forget how to breathe without a nicely placed full stop or comma here and there...

I say "Bollocks" cheerily back atcha. One can never have enough bollocks in the world....um, i mean that metaphorically of course... the literal imagery of that would be rather disturbing... ergh!

  5:11 pm :. Anonymous Alex (Tophat) hollered thusly:

My uncle recently developed a strong loathing for punctuation errors, mainly in the form of spelling and the use of apostrophes. One day, whilst driving to work he stopped at some traffic lights and noticed a sign someone had put up on the railings next to the lights. It read ‘Jims Removal Company’ then some address details. As you may have noticed there was the apostrophe missing which made my uncle wince every time he drove past. One day he bought a board marker and took it with him on his way to work then when he stopped at the traffic lights he got out of his car, pen in hand and corrected the sign, then got back in and drove to work.

Also, once when my uncle and aunt went out for lunch on the menu they had spelt three items wrong on their menu, expresso, lasagna and glenfiddutch (whisky). My uncle wanted to get them corrected but my aunt tried to make him just ignore it an order but when the waitress came over for their drinks he pointed them out to her and she just looked at him blankly then nodded and disappeared. Then she came back 20 or so minutes later with an espresso, a plate of lasagne and a glass of glennfidditch much to the amusement of my aunt. As it turns out the waiter was French and didn’t speak much English.

Slightly off the grammatical side this time it’s a phonological (that’s right I can use big words too!) error. Ok, so my aunt and uncle have gone to one of those fancy French restaurants as you do (although you wouldn’t think of one being situated in Manchester). Everyone in their spoke with a French accent so he took their ordered and returned with the wine they had ordered complete with an ice bucket. Then he said “wood Madame like to try ze wyn thirst?” and when he pulled out the wine, the icy water dripped all over my aunt’s leg and the waiter immediately said in a thick Manchester accent “Blimey, sorry luv I didn’t mean to-” at which he broke off due to the huge smiles on the faces of my aunty and uncle at his sudden change in accent. Then the waiter was in quite a dilemma, should he carry on speaking in his normal accent or should he put on the French accent again? He then continued to serve them through all 3 courses in his phoney French accent much to the amusement of my aunt and uncle.

may be long, but worth a read i'd say ;)


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