19.8.04 | Conversations With My Pumpkin (Pt 4. The Testicles of Love)
("Are we on part 4 already?"
"Shut up! You'll spoil the mood!")
Pumpkin has been feeling pretty low and blehhh for a few days, and so i am indulging in my usual delightful banter in a vain attempt to cheer her up.
"...two Charverscum Nuns in the bath, right? And one sez to the other, "'Ey up!- Yer big fookin' lezzer! 'Ave yuu got that soap up yer flaps again, yer fookin' slag?" An' 'tother sez "Yer, i have. What's it to you anyways? Besides y'know you Fookin' love it!" Ta-daa!"
"Right. right. There were these two sharks swimming in the North Sea. One sez to 'tother. "Bloody 'ell! Two fookin' nuns arguin' in a floating bathtub! Y'don't see them in the wrong joke very often". Boom! Boom!
"Bingy bongy boo?"
Nothing. I suppose i could tell the Really Sick Funny Joke, but i've been saving that one up for a special occasion... besides, it's too sick for the discerning internet blogger... no really. I cast my mind desperately around for something to distract her...
"Ah love yew Pumpkin"
"Ah love yew more than...er..."
Quick! think think. What could i love hugely enough that mai Pumpkin would really appreciate me for loving her more than? And did that last sentence make any sense? Whatsoever? oh i got it..no... don't say that!!
"...mai bollocks!" (too late...)
"What?" (Aha! the ole Reverie-broken-via-astonishment-trick!)
Well i've come this far... got a response...
"Yeah. I love yew more than mai bollocks!"
(Well... it's original)
"No you bloody don't! No wayyy!"
"Yeah! Yehh!- i DO!! Why, if i was to have to choose between yew an' my bollocks, i'd choose yew every time!"
"I don't think soOo!"
"'s true!! I'm hurt. Y'mean y' doubt my love for yew?"
"Well i'm up against your bollocks here, figuratively speaking. Something you've been attached to for a very long time, despite constant attempts to prove to you that they do you more harm than good..."
(I wince at the memories)
"...and i fail to see how you might arrive at a situation where you'd have to choose the bollocks or me... perhaps you'd enlighten me on that count?"
"erm... Well... erm... suppose i had me bollocks in a vice and erm... saw some failing masonry heading towards you, and, erm, my only way to save you was to leap hurriedly towards you and drag you out of the way, and thus in the process lose 'em, um, somewhat painfully, i might add. That might happen... er..."
"What in God's name would your bollocks be doing in a vice!!??!!" (Said apoplectically)
"Well i might be... working on them!" (Said with slight hysteria)
"Working on them?!?! WORKING ON THEM?????!!?!"
(i move phone away slightly from ear. To allow her full expressiveness in my air-space).
...Pleb-Boy, You haven't thought this all the way through, have you?".
And Pumpkin laughs. Phew. Result.
..."Still, you've given me some ideas..."