25.2.05 | Dumb Things I Have Said (Part 1 In An All Too Occasional Series Of Shame And Embarrassment)

(The following situation really occurred. Although the names/gender/species may have been altered to protect the innocent. Or somesuch bollocks like that).

So there we were. Sat in her car after a great night out at some party or other. Deep in conversation...

Cool. I'm liking this person immensely. We're getting on like a house on fire.

(Incidentally, "Like a house on fire"?!?! What the feck does that mean? Does anyone/anything die in the fire? Do the fire brigade get there on time? How did the fire start? Was anything saved? And now all the neighbours are probably standing around like ghouls tut-tutting their sympathy and saying "What a shame! And such nice people for it to happen to, as well! Tut-tut!"

Oi you lot! Piss off and watch Coronation Street or something! Tchah- standing round warming yer hands! And what's this?!?!- Who's trying to bake potatoes in my smouldering cinders?!?! Bloody cheek!)

Anyway. Where was i? Oh yeah, in the car. Blossoming friendship. Deep conversation.

She starts telling me about a best friend who passed away. I'm nodding empathitacal- empathytic- i'm nodding in empathy, dammit! Much sadness over her friends passing.

"... and do you know what his last words were?"

I nod and continue to empathize (Hah!) in her sorow. And then the dumb thing vomms forth from my mouth like a million years of repressed stupidity. Cavemen ancestors probably shook thier heads and looked away in embarrassment at my faux pas. My comic timing is, as ever, unstoppable. I grimace in horror at whatever demonic joker lurks within me and thinks this is funny. And yet, well i'd've laughed if i'd seen it in a sketch show...

So i look into her very beautiful eyes, and i ask:

"Was it "Aaa-aaa-ckkk-k-k-k-k..."? (I probably shouldn't have added the death-rattle at the end. But i've always been a stickler for realism, you understand).

(Nooooooo! I have the briefest moment of out-of-body experience, and get to look at the dawning expression of horror on my face, as i realize what i've just said.)

(Moments later i get another O-O-B experience and get to look at my relieved face, weeping probably. In the dark).

It went right over her head! So wrapped up in telling me this sad sad tale, that she completely misssed what i said and continued talking. I'd've cracked open a bottle of champagne right there and then if one was handy.

"Nevah mind yer friend, dahlin'!" i might have said. "Let's celebrate (your totally missing my outrageously offensive remark. An' lets get nekkid!!!)".

Unfortunately, after our long and deep conversation within the cars interior, after dropping me off, after arriving home and sitting comfortably in thought on a chair in her lounge, the memory of what i said must've reared it's head from her subconscious.

Sort of like a delayed reaction insult.

"Bastard!" She probably thought.

And i never saw her again.



Such an idiot!

No really!

And even today. Much wisdom learnt and all that. But still i say incredibly dumb things to people. I never wish to cause offence. But somewhere inside me, there's this scriptwriter for an evil evil sitcom just bursting to get out and reveal the world for all to ridicule in painful humility.
Or maybe i'm Shakespeares Puck...

"So if i do offend. I'd like to think i can amend... "
(To misquote. Quite terribly.)

With da love to yr all.

Until tomorrow. Tomorrow i look at what you need to be an Evil Genius. Ace!



  7:46 pm :. Blogger B hollered thusly:

oh, dear Sat. some day one lovely bird is going to see the absolute genius in your humor and make you hers forever. and then, when you say such off things, she will look at you and smile in amusement and she will know that she's got a one of a kind Saturnyne!

  2:40 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Oh, thank yers, dear B! But knowin' moi luck, it'll loikely be 'm a giant roc. Carrying mai orf to it's nest there, to feed 'm young 'uns.

This answer is written in Saturnynes Bad Devonshie Accent. (TM)

Love to yer! B!



  3:31 am :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Damn, that even beats the dumb things *I* have said; only by a hair, mind you. But still. ;-)
I could write a list of similar such incidents.
As B said, when one understands your heart and your nature, the things you say won't be as... what's the word... dangerous? lol

  7:08 am :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Eeek, attack of the foot-in-mouth. I know it well.

  9:54 am :. Blogger Tam hollered thusly:

Yes, well done, you're appalling. Shocker.

  10:33 am :. Blogger SingleFin hollered thusly:

Oh well, offensiveness is in the mind of the beholder. Her problem, not yours!


  11:41 am :. Blogger Lizzy hollered thusly:

How unsympathetically cute. o_O

  12:09 pm :. Blogger The Prisoner hollered thusly:

how unfortunate.
genius, but unfortunate nonetheless.

  12:10 pm :. Blogger Astolath hollered thusly:

If it's any consolation, I think I'd have had an attack of the Monty Pythons and said the same thing - the more tragic the situation, the bigger the laugh for some reason - I think it's a subconscious way of dealing with things that are unpleasant.

Or it could just have been that you desperately wanted the conversation to end so that you could get it on...

  4:48 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:

astolath has a fine point there... you must've been really onto this girl! ;) w/ the guys i totally dig, i always say the most inappropriate things at the most opportune times :P sometimes out of kindness or something, they will pretend to have not have heard what i've said. thank goodness for male sensibility.

but, so embarrasing really.

so, no worries, if she is worthy, she'll see how *truly* endearing it was... and if not...

do what i do now, employ a self-imposed imaginary mute button, and the likeliness of random slip ups dramatically decline.

  8:45 pm :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Male sensibility?! What's that term for when two things cancel each other out?

  9:35 pm :. Blogger stella hollered thusly:


i know, i know... after i posted that comment, i realised the very same thing you said...

how about male insensibility ... but meant in a good way in this instance.


  3:40 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Gawd! So many comments in one day!

Well, the incident happened ages ago. Years in fact. And while the lady in question was verr verr pretty, and i might well have had designs on her in the back of my mind, i was more interested in the conversation.

I was appalled at my slip of the tongue though (at the time). Even if the telling of the story is humorous.


  2:52 am :. Blogger Cece hollered thusly:

You are a genius. That was SO cold-hearted of you but...dang...that was funny.

  5:05 am :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Jessie, I believe the term is oxymoron...

  2:54 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Hrr! Oxymoron! Being a taurus, i am rather oxy! Heheh! And as for "moron"...

Thanks for that, Dani! It kept me amused for hours as i contemplated its unintended double meaning.


  9:43 pm :. Blogger Starbuck hollered thusly:

Jeez, that really is terrible. Heh.

  9:12 pm :. Anonymous Lovly Lady hollered thusly:

*little snicker**

Diabolically evil....


This is a tale of what I like to refer to as.... "hi my nae is, uh, ... GUH!!!!"

Genius you may be... but I spose that doesnt mean you have to be bright right?

Now I amnot trying to pick on you or anything, Trust me we have all had our moments... but I am sending you applause from afar anyhow... *quits applause**

Humour will save you in the end though..

Smiling politly Amanda

  11:45 pm :. Blogger Woman at the well hollered thusly:

This is real fun, Sat, especially for a Sunday evening - you made me laugh a lot, and most of all, it was very well described. How can you mix humor, sincerity and simplicity so well? I imagine you´re going to say you´re not this or that, but, my friend, I don´t believe you all the time ...

  3:29 am :. Blogger Jessie hollered thusly:

Go Taurus!

Post a Comment