25.2.05 | Dumb Things I Have Said (Part 1 In An All Too Occasional Series Of Shame And Embarrassment)
(The following situation really occurred. Although the names/gender/species may have been altered to protect the innocent. Or somesuch bollocks like that).
So there we were. Sat in her car after a great night out at some party or other. Deep in conversation...
Cool. I'm liking this person immensely. We're getting on like a house on fire.
(Incidentally, "Like a house on fire"?!?! What the feck does that mean? Does anyone/anything die in the fire? Do the fire brigade get there on time? How did the fire start? Was anything saved? And now all the neighbours are probably standing around like ghouls tut-tutting their sympathy and saying "What a shame! And such nice people for it to happen to, as well! Tut-tut!"
Oi you lot! Piss off and watch Coronation Street or something! Tchah- standing round warming yer hands! And what's this?!?!- Who's trying to bake potatoes in my smouldering cinders?!?! Bloody cheek!)
Anyway. Where was i? Oh yeah, in the car. Blossoming friendship. Deep conversation.
She starts telling me about a best friend who passed away. I'm nodding empathitacal- empathytic- i'm nodding in empathy, dammit! Much sadness over her friends passing.
"... and do you know what his last words were?"
I nod and continue to empathize (Hah!) in her sorow. And then the dumb thing vomms forth from my mouth like a million years of repressed stupidity. Cavemen ancestors probably shook thier heads and looked away in embarrassment at my faux pas. My comic timing is, as ever, unstoppable. I grimace in horror at whatever demonic joker lurks within me and thinks this is funny. And yet, well i'd've laughed if i'd seen it in a sketch show...
So i look into her very beautiful eyes, and i ask:
"Was it "Aaa-aaa-ckkk-k-k-k-k..."? (I probably shouldn't have added the death-rattle at the end. But i've always been a stickler for realism, you understand).
(Nooooooo! I have the briefest moment of out-of-body experience, and get to look at the dawning expression of horror on my face, as i realize what i've just said.)
(Moments later i get another O-O-B experience and get to look at my relieved face, weeping probably. In the dark).
It went right over her head! So wrapped up in telling me this sad sad tale, that she completely misssed what i said and continued talking. I'd've cracked open a bottle of champagne right there and then if one was handy.
"Nevah mind yer friend, dahlin'!" i might have said. "Let's celebrate (your totally missing my outrageously offensive remark. An' lets get nekkid!!!)".
Unfortunately, after our long and deep conversation within the cars interior, after dropping me off, after arriving home and sitting comfortably in thought on a chair in her lounge, the memory of what i said must've reared it's head from her subconscious.
Sort of like a delayed reaction insult.
"Bastard!" She probably thought.
And i never saw her again.
Such an idiot!
And even today. Much wisdom learnt and all that. But still i say incredibly dumb things to people. I never wish to cause offence. But somewhere inside me, there's this scriptwriter for an evil evil sitcom just bursting to get out and reveal the world for all to ridicule in painful humility.
Or maybe i'm Shakespeares Puck...
"So if i do offend. I'd like to think i can amend... "
(To misquote. Quite terribly.)
With da love to yr all.
Until tomorrow. Tomorrow i look at what you need to be an Evil Genius. Ace!