7.3.05 | How to Be An Evil Genius (On The Cheap)(kind of)
Today, The Saturnyne was going to tell yer all the ins and outs of how to start an adventurous career of Evil Geniusness.
He was gonna tell ya how to do those "Muhahahahaha!" laughs and make them last forever, using indian yogic breathing techniques. (Complete lie)
He was gonna tell you about posture, and how to stand there imperiously with hands on hips, not looking at all "odd", with a white pet cat, named "Mr Flay" wreathed around yer shoulders. And how to "retire" those henchmen who fall around laughing when you do this. Friends have since pointed out that it makes me look "like a raging queen". Tchah! Whadda they know? I shall be "retiring" them too, forthwith! See if i don't! Muhahahaha!
Yes, the Saturnyne was gonna explain how to get a "good" personal assistant called Igor (Evil Genius Mail Order. or at http://www.buy-igor.com and how to judiciously use the leccie cattle prod on him when he's not looking surly or miserable enough. Although to be honest, my latest model is trying even my patience. He just doesn't grumble enough when i tell him to go for more fresh brains at the local Accident and Emergency dept. Still, on the plus side, the pained look on his face at mealtimes is a joy to behold when i feed him his gruel and see him frantically trying to spear the nutritious bits before they wriggle away.
So. And finally, The Saturnyne was gonna detail how to attract the attention of The Authorities, so that they send in their best secret agents to thwart your malevolent machinations. Such agenta are invariably inept at not getting caught, even by Igor, so it's always nice to be able to explain to them how one intends to evolve super-intelligent sparrows and whatnot. Before cruelly (yet fairly and sportingly) putting said agents to death with the new laser-firing goldfish... or man-eating sparrows... i haven't decided yet.
And then we saw this:
And suddenly everything seemed so much simpler...
Gorgeous and awesome, isn't it?!?! Here's a view of the other side.
Whaddya know, it's just as awesome on this side!
Want! Now! Donations of large sums of money for purchase will be happilly accepted!
Imagine what fun one can have with door to door salespesons of all persuasions.
"Come in" i'll say. Cheerily. "Have a drink. Oh, don't mind the spinny thing, it's just to mezmorize you and put you under my powers of evil. Muhahahahaaaa!"
But that's not all! We also saw this:
And the other side...
Ballistae 2 (the other side)
Oooh! How much fun can a guy have with the neighbours? Especially when they're coming home at 3.a.m in the morning and shouting and singing like the chavscum white trash they undoubtedly are. How much fun?!?! How much! And they probably have children! Well someone does in this area, my god, the numbers of teenage vandals. surely an excuse for enforced contraception? Or am i thinking vivisection? Anyway, the point is: More fun! The Saturnyne Strikes Back. Muhahahaha!
And then... This!
Guillotine! For the kitchen!
Hey! Isn't that a pic of its "other side" below? Oyesss.
It'll be perfect for the kitchen! And how! All those uppity carrots will live in a state of nervousness forevermore. They shall fear me! Fear! Plus: how cool will Igor look as he solemnly, yet with an air of sulkiness (A contractual obligation amongst henchmen) slices the veg for meals. Occasionally cursing as he loses another finger in the salad bowl... wow, i sooo gotta make that another contractual obligation...
The really cool thing is that all these items can actually be bought from This Site.
So i say: Treat the Evil Genius in your life. But first, treat me. Especially as i know where you live. All of you.
Oh, and they even make siege engines! Awesome! I'll be able to lay low entire bunches of kids while they blithely vandalize stuff.
PS: Thanks to the more-than-Copacetic Tam for showing me how title tags work. Also for telling me about wikipedia, so i can look up words like "copacetic" with impugnity. Also words like impugnity. If i want. Ah love yew, Tam! More than bees! But not as much as exclamation marks!
PPS: Title tags = those little word balloons that pop up when you hover yer mouse icon over pictures and links an' stuff. Go try it on my pics up there. *points upwards*