24.2.08 | dies Saturni
What did i do to get to here what do to escape from here how is anything possible do you remember as a child your days would drift on forever games lasting weeks so carefree so vibrant all colours and sounds and thrilling you were so unafraid back then the people seemed kind and the light seemed kind and the dark held shadows that you did not understand and you gazed deep into all things with a curious and enlivened mind.
That was part of the problem, really. Curiosity not only killed the cat, but danced upon the ruined corpse until all that remained was dried blood and a fine dust, easily washed away by the next rains.
Time wears me down, both body and soul. There are things i have done, both terrible and kind. Many things which i regret and deeds gone awry, even with the best of intentions. I don't know if i am a good person any more. I don't know if i can redress the balance in the time i have left or if there is even a God to pray to for help and inspiration. The Universe feels cold and empty. I don't understand humans.
I suddenly don't like that i allowed friends and family to see a blog like this. I am thinking of restricting access to only those people i invite to it. That, or destroying it or hiding it away or simply walking away from it all.
5 days and no-one would miss it. Not really. I'd like to do it in real life, too. Just walk away from it all, and forget the person i am, starting afresh in another town or another country with a fake passport or id... a complete nobody living out the remains of his life in seclusion and darkness. It feels like all i deserve.