24.2.08 | dies Saturni
What did i do to get to here what do to escape from here how is anything possible do you remember as a child your days would drift on forever games lasting weeks so carefree so vibrant all colours and sounds and thrilling you were so unafraid back then the people seemed kind and the light seemed kind and the dark held shadows that you did not understand and you gazed deep into all things with a curious and enlivened mind.
That was part of the problem, really. Curiosity not only killed the cat, but danced upon the ruined corpse until all that remained was dried blood and a fine dust, easily washed away by the next rains.
Time wears me down, both body and soul. There are things i have done, both terrible and kind. Many things which i regret and deeds gone awry, even with the best of intentions. I don't know if i am a good person any more. I don't know if i can redress the balance in the time i have left or if there is even a God to pray to for help and inspiration. The Universe feels cold and empty. I don't understand humans.
I suddenly don't like that i allowed friends and family to see a blog like this. I am thinking of restricting access to only those people i invite to it. That, or destroying it or hiding it away or simply walking away from it all.
5 days and no-one would miss it. Not really. I'd like to do it in real life, too. Just walk away from it all, and forget the person i am, starting afresh in another town or another country with a fake passport or id... a complete nobody living out the remains of his life in seclusion and darkness. It feels like all i deserve.
S.
7 comments :.
i feel like drifting into sleep while the breeze flutters around my face and gently rocks the hammock i am enveloped in
Take me where you're going if you're never coming back...
I could never let my family see anything I put on the internet. I'm too tightly bundled up as a habit to expose myself anywhere, but on here I'm much less and it's the last thing I want them to see.
Does this mean I'm dumped ?
(Erm... I could probably have expressed that better.)
First, I love this: "Curiosity not only killed the cat, but danced upon the ruined corpse"
You wonder if you're still a good person; I wonder if I was ever one at all. I do understand the conflict and confusion involved.
I've never let anyone but unknowns read any of the stuff I've written. My family and friends do not deserve to know me in the free, anonymous way that you do. They know me in the way I choose to show them. Because of that self imposed restriction in 'real' life, I'd suffer greatly without the blog to vent, rant, ponder and suppose.
I always get a bit edgy when I read a post and it sounds too much like 'me'. Only because I think I get the level of intensity of what you are feeling and the confusion surrounding it. My email is on my profile page, should you choose to use it.
For what it's worth, I would miss you. In time we are all forgotten, but until that time came, I would miss you. Undoubtedly.
xoxo
Livewire put it all so beautifully that all there is for me to add is that I've been here for so very long. You've seen the worst of me. You've seen me rage and scream and holler and you never turned away.
Five days you say. My pirate died three months ago and I still grieve for the lack of his presence when I log in. It is the same with you, my lovely boy, no matter how bad or how good you've been. It doesn't matter. You've been for me.
Jane xx
MM: That sounds lovely.
MSSTRA: Tempting =)
CB: Hmm, lemme think about that one, hehe. Let me win at the next speed trivia quiz and i'll let you off for now.
LW: Awesome! What else can i say to a sweet and kind comment like that!?
GD! Aww, do you know Janey, you are now my oldest blog-friend? *hugs*
S.x
of course u are a "good" person.
the universe doesn't have to be a cold/empty place. I say..start fresh in a new country ;)
you deserve so much MORE!
:)
xx
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