19.2.08 | Aspects of Desire
Desire is always cruel, it is said.
I was talking about the nature of Desire to a couple of friends the other evening. Remembering circumstances when you are wounded almost unto death, or so it feels...
You sit in your favourite bar/cafe/restaurant. If you are lucky, you are with considerate friends who are trying to console you, when your ex-girlfriend walks in. With her new man. You don't see her at first, but her laughter spills across the room, and your ears strain "was that...?"
Then you see her, and she's smiling and talking animatedly to her new man, wearing the same dress that night you first met... he touches her, little caresses on her arms... things like that. She sees you and your friends, acknowledges them when they walk by her, but doesn't register your presence at all. You quickly realize, bitterly, that this isn't about revenge... she simply doesn't care. She filled the hole you left in her life and now you're irrelevant to her. You're not even flirt-worthy material, unlike your best friends. You imagine that being pierced by many spears and arrows in 300 would hurt your chest less.
Your beautiful husband/boyfriend is sleeping with another woman. He openly acknowledges this to you, and even goes so far as to say how important the other woman is to his continued happiness. He's charming and witty still and even brings you flowers like they are going out of fashion.
But at night, when you have finished lovemaking, you weep silently into the pillow. He's all you have, and you are destroyed and made afresh by him every day. One day, you finally find the courage to leave him, and suddenly it is he who is bereft and distraught, begging you to come back to him. It is far too late for that, however. You feel nothing.
He lives his life, endlessly pursuing women, eagerly seeking the next "conquest" or so his reputation would have you believe. It's more complicated than that, however. He is desperately looking for what he believes is love. Yet when his quarry finally succumbs to his charms and lays naked in the bed beside him, he feels... cheated. Disappointed. All the years of his life, he asks himself "Is this all there is?"