27.1.08 | Dream Retreats
i.
I was walking down a high green mountain road in winter light. It began to snow, the flakes peppering the ground and road ahead and making me anxious to find my little winter cottage before the blizzard overtook me. Two motor-bikes passed me by, with the riders and pillion passengers yelling to me about the dangers of the weather ahead. I strode on with a firmness of purpose and lo- my house was there, nestled amongst tall trees by the side of the road. All was serene within as i found the matches and lit the stove. Calmly i walked around my winter cottage, securing it from the storm without and lighting tall candles for radiance. A warm glow soon reflected off the floors and walls. While lights flickered prettily across the wooden beams of the ceiling. Sitting in a great arm-chair, I thought about how matchsticks left in remote hunting cabins are sometimes able to save the lives of the lost.
ii.
Do you dream of impossible things? I do, my wily Spanish friend. I dreamt of the great iron and steel metropolis that you showed me with the extraordinarily vast buildings. Not just tall.... but gigantic in scope and imagination. Bridges and walkways stretching up to the clouds... lattice works that one might take a day to pass beneath... i know not where this city might be found in waking, but it is your city, and i wept with joy and delight as you revealed the wonders of this vast gothic masterpiece. And the more you opened my eyes to it, i realized i had dreamt this city many times before, from the dank waterways beneath, to the glittering spires above, and i knew this was My City also and that i only have to dream it to dwell within it. One day perhaps, my dream will last and i may be permitted to stay there...
iii.
You stood slicing avocado's in my kitchen with a knife of silver in your hands, and i rushed uncaringly to hold you in my arms and delight in taking your breath away with my first kiss of the evening. I did not even feel the pain as the blade pushed it's way through my heart and out past my spine by a good six inches. Such a long blade, i thought, with surprise. You held me as my legs gave way, muscles uncoiling, unravelling upwards throughout my body; astonishment and shock frozen on your face as much as mine. I look into your eyes and tell you i love you, i will always love you... only i cannot say anything for the blood is filling my mouth and i have to use my eyes alone to tell you this.
S.x
For a friend
I do not know if this is a very bad thing to do or just a bad thing... but i have a looped track on my ipod of people primal screaming "Death!" over and over and over and over and over. When i get tired of this, i listen to vicious guitars sawing into a maelstrom of feedback and white noise. I have seen better days and hope i don't see any more at all. This world seems too unkind for the likes of me. I know you'll never read this, but it is my responsibility to you and you alone that keeps me here in this world at present.
11 comments :.
how is it that one so new to this world can so personally relate to this story written by one with so much more experience? have you always felt this way or did this feeling creep upon you under the darkness of time and memories? do things not get better? is their something wrong with me, perhaps? well..I've never doubted there was, but my question remains.
Things get better.
It's why i endure. That and my responsibilities to other people.
If i did not believe that, well...
I'm sorry that you are able to identify with this post so much. *hug*
S.
Nice to have you back. Things go in cycles, thus some months we post some months we don't.
Whatever happens, wherever we end up, it will always be at the dark side of the moon. Some would dislike that. But its not so bad. I've discovered a whole bunch of really nice folk back here, yourself included, along with Livewire.
When my partner attempted to kill himself, although he wasn't successful it left me with a profound grief and sense of inadequacy. He tells me that he is only alive today because of me.
Responsibility. Occasionally sucks.
Jane xx
I was actually going to say what Jane said, that having so much responsibility can really suck. But that responsibility wears many masks. It's not always the responsibility of something we've placed on another (with or without their knowledge), it can be self imposed. What we can demand of ourselves, or what we are left with can be hell. When we are left holding the shattered remains of what was, we tend to want anwsers. Sometimes, there just aren't any.
Things do get better, but for some of us it can seem like an uphill battle at the best of times. As Jane/GD has pointed out, there are those that you somehow identify with. The ones that wouldn't flinch if you told them the darkest of dark. They don't flinch because they have the same sadness, anger, betrayal, loss, etc. They know what it's like to be in that place. It is there, often, that you can draw your strength.
But sometimes, you just need to utterly and completely BE in that anger or sadness to make it through to the other side. Often I imply that things will always suck but in truth, I'm just too stubborn to give in. Probably the only reason I'm still around. ;)
xoxo
*tilts head to the right*
hug?
... i like avacados
lol, then i ain't letting you near my kitchen.
S.
but i make a 'killer' chicken Alfredo. its my specialty. i make the sauce from scratch!
Hmmm.... ok then, just be careful with those knives
*looks nervously at yer*
S.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
My deep apologies for removing this comment, sian. I don't think i could have replied properly here to your annoyance with me. So i've copied yr comment and will reply to you in email.
Meh, i think this is only the second comment i've ever deleted from this blog, and it sucks even worse that it's from a friend. Sorry again.
S.x
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