14.10.05 | Picnics and Orange Things
"Hold your ground! Hold your ground!"
And so it has come to this... our foes stand manifold in unnumbered ranks before us.
"Sons of, er... wherever...(sisters, too!). Never... in the fields of human(ish- ok not very at all) conflict... has so much been owed to so few... so very few..."
I must marshall the troops for one last stand.
"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me!"
This may well be the end of me. Of us all!
"A day may come, when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of Fellowship, but it is not this day!"
And then who will save the world from this dread menace? Eh? Who?!?!
"An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of men comes crashing down!"
I wave my noble sword valiantly in the air defiantly towards the enemy.
"But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you, stand, men of the We- eh?!
"What are you doing?"
"Ahh, hello my orange gourd of grandness"
"Never mind that Pumpkin malarky!- What are you doing?"
"Because from where i'm sitting, it looks like you're standing on top of a fence, waving a penknife around your head over-enthusiastically, and exhorting a pair of rather bemused chaffinches into attacking a field of carrots with you."
"But my precious Pumpy!- Why whatever do yew mean?"
"You know perfectly well what i mean, i'm sure. Anyway, i can see right through your ploys and devious assumed madness. So there.
Ah... unfortunately this is true, gentle reader. Pumpkin can read moi like a book. A very badly written one full of pictures, easy to understand words, and simple plotline.
Oh, and i'm also looking at you through the binoculars you thoughtfully brought along."
Damn! I turn and wave cheerily at her, sitting on the picnic rug, book in hand and binoculars casually noting my every action for future deserved ridicule. She waves ironically back.
"And furthermore, all your wailing and gnashing of teeth is disturbing my reading. So i've been feeding your tuna sarnies to some ants. As a means of revenge and entertainment."
"Er right, men-
"I think you'll find they're still chaffinches"
I ignore the telephone with steadfast determination
"- as you were. And you... you... carrots...
I utter the word with obvious disgust and contempt. It's important to show ones superiority at these times
"... don't think this is the end of it! I'll be back! Hahahahahaha!"
Meanwhile, back at the field...
Thievery! And Theft!