18.6.05 | ...1?...Hope Called In Sick
Before we start, i'd just like to point out that i haven't returned yet... this is just an interim post that may stretch into a few, until my blog creating demon gets back and gives the old place a new lick of paint...
This post was composed just before my unexpected absence...
Do you ever have the urge to throw away all that old junk that's been cluttering up your closets, your drawers, your attics?
The Saturnyne always has this compulsion to do away with the past. Start afresh. Throw away all the things that aren't necessary.
Spring cleaning.
I found some poems today that i wrote when i was a teenager. I stopped writing poems... ooh, decades ago (or something like that) when you were very young. Or perhaps not even born. I no longer had the need to write poetry anymore. Here are a couple of the more "interesting" ones. I show them to you unashamedly as a minor distraction. They're done. No longer a part of me. I don't want to go back to that time, the present is enough of a handful for me as it is, thank-you! As i said to someone recently, "The Past. It's always something from which one desires to escape with as much haste as politely possible (for me).
Like an uninvited and terribly irritating relative, it makes me hide in my room."
Thank-you. And good night.
S. @2:38.A.M. (Somewhere out of the world)
I thin
king
some
times tens
e and ner
vous
some
times calm
never
endinglyuseless
thoughts
a catastrophe
huge dimensionally
interred rearranged
and multiplied
into hugest
nothing
-The Saturnyne
at night
when shadows
have their
long playgrounds;
in the big empty
desolations of my house
-i run-
when the only
clock is a huge star
on desperate walls
(ticks subconsciously and)
follows me unkindly
through palest moonlight
halls
shivering i seek
to hide in
one corner of
one blue room from
the tall and
bleak sounds
of my own
loneliness
- The Saturnyne
13 comments :.
7.6.05 | ...Deux...The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!)
Ladeeez! An' Gennelmen! Secret Tam-Link here!
This week, for one week onlyyyy (Or until they get bored), this blog is hosted by:
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!)
(Pronounced Tomartows for all our Americananan readers)
All the way from who knows where (Possibly the greengrocers), The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) have been invited by The Corpse Saturnyne to impart their not inconsiderable wisdom an' advice, not to mention their psychic powers and indescribable gift for soothsaying to all you, yes YOU(!), (points finger waggingly at) bloggers out there!
So ask ye away. No Question too small or too large for The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!).
But be warned: The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) don't always answer the questions in the way you might want...such is their cryptic and snarky wisdom...
Bleh!
first up, we have the Gyrating Jessie, who asks:
O Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!), please tell me that fame fortune and romance are to be mine in the near future?
Yours,
Questioning Curried Potatoes
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Easy.
Yup.
But only if you write an autobiography about it afterwards. Which will become a bestseller.
WE recommend a catchy title:
"How I Was Abducted and Wooed By Aliens And Their Devices"
It won't necessarily make you happy, though. It all depends on whether you regard alien "Probing" devices as "Romantic" or not.
Personally we'd avoid the remote highways at night for the next few months. Especially when drunk.
CToD(!).X
Tantalizing Tam says:
Hah! The 'secret' link shows up in the comments form expanded post. Ass.
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Ass? That reminds us of a joke we heard once:
Q: What is a donkey's favourite cheese?
A: Brie! Geddit? Brie! Bray!- Like donkeys do! (Laugh or it's the otters for you!)
The point being, that it's an imperfect world. And now we shall sigh mournfully, where earlier we chuckled at our little joke.
Nah bollocks! We'll chuckle some more!
Japing Jo says:
I once dated a guy who came from Burnley. One night he told me that he'd had tinned potatoes for his tea. So I had to dump him....Cheery cherry tomatoes sound like a bit of an improvement
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
We can only snicker at your good taste! The Corpse Saturnyne who usually runs this blog would like to point out that HE comes not from Burnley, but from Harle Syke, which is much nicer. And that he is a far superior dish to yr adorementioned man-thing. Also that his penetrating wit is not the only thing he is measured by... oh noooo.... indeedy not! Also, we may be tomatoes, but we're hot beyotches, too!
Tickly Transience asks:
dear ctod(!),
will i ever get to run my fingers through The Corpse Saturnyne's hair?
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
No problem! Send us yer address and we'll send you a cutting. And if you plant it in yer garden it may even grow into your very own Saturnyne Play-thing! What larks!
Hmm... you do mean head hair don't you? 'cause we ain't EVAH going near the other stuff!
Frivolous Third Daughter asks:
Why?
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Evolution. And De-evolution.
The Palatial Prisoner asks:
greetings CToD(!)
i like your eyes, you must tell me what banned substances did you use to get them to twitch like that?
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Greetings back o The Prisoner. And what a wise name that is. For are we all not prisoners of one kind or another? Anyway, to answer your question:
Genetically modified photosynthesis. Plus we smoke lots of crack.
Illiuminating Iridescence asks:
Where did my remote for the tv go and will it ever rest comfortably in my hands again?
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Your cats had it last, when they were watching "I Love Lucy" Re-runs the other night as you were all asleep and whatnot. They're secret fans of that show, y'know.
So we'd ask them. And if you want it to feel all lovely in your hands again, we'd suggest giving it a good mopping, as it'll be full of furry catness and smelly. It might not work afterwards, but at least it'll be hygienic and possibly smell nice.
Tainted Teufel( We thought you'd like a name like that) says:
1.I smell salad, I see flies... how will the Tomatoes save themselves?
Meanwhile, I require thy wisedom:
2.what happens to a sock when it's missing?
3.Why wasn't I born in Holland?
4.What is the secret of the video machine?
5.Where is Springfield?
6.Why is it that they put us sexy teachers when we are kids and can't notice, but old witches when we are teens in highschool?
Thank you, Tomatoes!!!
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
1. With big fuck-off guns.
2. It goes on holiday to Sockland.
3. Just bad luck. Or good. It depends on your view of Holland...
4. That there are super-intelligent tiny ducks living within them. but we thought EVERYONE knew that, nowadays.
5. Springfield is first mentioned in Dante's Inferno and is rumoured to exist near the Wood of Suicides on Hells 7th level. Easy.
6. Malice. And a sense of humour.
Startling Stella asks:
dear cheery tomatoes of doooom:
why are you so cheery - since we are doomed, i mean ;)
thnx. and pls tell saturnyne i miss him and his tomater soup.
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
We are cheery 'cause we aren't human beings. And are thus not materialistic.
An' The Corpse Saturnyne is likely to miss you too... once he sobers up. Lotta booze in the afterlife, ya know...
Hey, what? Tomato Soup!?!?! You threatenin' us??!?! Grr!
The Corpse Saturnyne says:
Oi,
You Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) i'll have my name back on this blog, thank-you very much!
I may be dead (Temporarily) but this blog is mine. You might give me a bad reputation! Tchah!
You can have the picture this week, though...
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say meekly:
Awww! All right. Thanks.
Lascivious Livewire says:
think I'm scarred for life. Tomatoes with eyes.....
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) reply:
Yeah? You should see what you lot look like when yer only two inchs high!
The Persistent Prisoner comes back to ask:
What does "Palatial" mean?
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
We grinningly refer you to this webpage. Ho ho ho!
Heroic Herge drops in to ask:
Dear Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) Is it salad time for you guys?
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
No. For we are Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) with big fuck-off guns.
Tormented Teufel asks some more:
Oh, Tomatoes of Doom! I summon you so my ignorance is reliefed from the spirit trapped iside my fragile shell!
Should I take the "tantalizing" as good or bad? (according to the dictionary, "tormenting"...)
Villalobos 02
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Good it is. Now go and be romantic, young sir!
CtoD(!).x
Ornery Anonymous asks:
Please kind sirs, might we humbly request if in your infinite wisdom, you might provide us with The Question? The Answer, of course, is already general knowledge, and safely resides on our mobile's wallpaper in big friendly letters.We apologise for the inconvenience.
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
This had better not be some kind of reference to them Douglas Adams books! 'cause if it is, we'll have you know that we have big fuck-off guns!
However in oder to humour you and provide you kindly with some kind of answer we suggest this:
Stop worrying about such things and be lovely. Lovely to all.
Delightful Darkchild asks:
Hello dear CTOD(!)Why does everybody says my cute little hamster is evil????
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
ALL hamsters are evil. Period. Ungrateful bitey little things. Eat their own young on occasion. Die when you least expect it... deliberately out of spite, sometimes. Nasty! Eugh!
Have a nice day!
CToD(!).x
Tormented Teufel comes back to ask:
Thank you, dear tomatoes, for supporting my point of view. You must already know, with all thy wisedom, the kind of hazard this specific hamster is: she can take over the world in no time, and the only reason she hasn't done it is to increase the waiting time... how can I make my love believe in my words?
Villalobos 02
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Err... Hypnosis. Failing that, you could simultaneously distract your love and lull the villainous hamsteress into a false sense of security, then, before anyone is the wiser, slap it between two nice slices of bread and have a quick snack. That should foil its evil machinations!
Doting Darkchild also says:
*cries* Stupid Tomatoes!!!
You are not nice at all!!
Bring mister Saturnyne back!!! >.< color="#ff6666">The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
What? Hey! Keep away! Help! Call the police! We have big fuck-off guns y'know, an' we're not afraid to use them! Keep away, we say! Heeeelp!
Clever Carl turns up like the rotten git he is to add:
So what exactly are the CToD planning to do with those BFGs given their height of 2 inches and lack of opposable thumbs?
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) say:
Pshaw! You don't think we'd do all the shooting ourselves, do you? No- we have...
Evil Hench-Carrots!!!
An' they're definitely taller than 2 inches. Definitely!
We checked. So Hah!
And here comes Dreamy Deem! Wanting to know The Meaning Of Life, no less!
The Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) reply:
Thassa toughie, an' there's no set answer, either. What we think, is this:
Spiritual evolution seems very important to us. Certain prophets and religious leaders throughout history hint at this. From Buddha, to Jesus, to Mohammed (PBUH), and many others besides.
Whether you believe in God or not, it seems imporant to seek a calmness within oneself. To be generous and giving, especially to those less fortunate (We think humans have a great capacity for giving, and hope one day that it will outweigh the taking. Or at least balance it out). To be willing to self-sacrifice for the good of the many. To respect all life. To toil and to love and make the most of the time that you have left on this earth. Because this may be the only chance you get.
And with that last comment, we're outta here! Till next time! Byeee! Cyerrrr! Wouldn't wanna beee yerrrr!
24 comments :.
Jessie hollered thusly:
O Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!), please tell me that fame fortune and romance are to be mine in the near future?
Yours, Questioning Curried Potatoes
Tam hollered thusly:
Hah! The 'secret' link shows up in the comments form expanded post. Ass.
Spinsterella hollered thusly:
I once dated a guy who came from Burnley. One night he told me that he'd had tinned potatoes for his tea. So I had to dump him....Cheery cherry tomatoes sound like a bit of an improvement
{illyria} hollered thusly:
dear ctod(!),
will i ever get to run my fingers through the corpse saturnyne's hair?
3rd daughter hollered thusly:
dear cheery tomatoes of doooom(!),
why?
susan
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
greetings CToD(!)
i like your eyes, you must tell me what banned substances did you use to get them to twitch like that?
Starling hollered thusly:
Where did my remote for the tv go and will it ever rest comfortably in my hands again?
stella hollered thusly:
dear cheery tomatoes of doooom:
why are you so cheery - since we are doomed, i mean ;)
thnx. and pls tell saturnyne i miss him and his tomater soup.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Oi,
You Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom(!) i'll have my name back on this blog, thank-you very much!
I may be dead (Temporarily) but this blog is mine. You might give me a bad reputation! Tchah!
You can have the picture this week, though...
S.x
LiVEwiRe hollered thusly:
I think I'm scarred for life. Tomatoes with eyes.....
The Prisoner hollered thusly:
what does palatial mean?
Herge Smith hollered thusly:
Dear Cheery Tomatoes of Doooom (!) Is it salad time for you guys?
Onanymous hollered thusly:
Please kind sirs, might we humbly request if in your infinite wisdom, you might provide us with The Question?
The Answer, of course, is already general knowledge, and safely resides on our mobile's wallpaper in big friendly letters.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
Carl Berry hollered thusly:
So what exactly are the CToD planning to do with those BFGs given their height of 2 inches and lack of opposable thumbs ?
DeeM hollered thusly:
Dear CTOD,
What is the meaning of life?
{illyria} hollered thusly:
you are getting too much mail. i am jealous.
Motormouth hollered thusly:
why am I a carrot in a birdcage being chased in circles by a demented parrot who keeps repeating
INNIT INNIT INNIT INNIT!!!????!!!!????!!!!????!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Trans... You're jealous?!?! Hee! But i see you get twice as many comments as me on a BAD week! I should be the one who's jealous!
Having said that, i think you deserve them. Yr writing is just scrummy!
Motahmouth!
In the absence of the tomatoes, who have now gone on their hols, i would suggest:
Just lucky, i guess.
Heheheheh!
S.
Danielle hollered thusly:
Omg... what the hell has been going on over here while I've been gone? Yikes..
lynda brendish hollered thusly:
*can't wait for numeron uno and the return of the Sat*... as much as I loved the Cheery Tomatoes of Doom... I really have no questions of importance :(
Starbuck hollered thusly:
Ugh! I think I've caught some tropical disease on honeymoon.
I must be seeing things... cheery tomatoes...
broomhilda hollered thusly:
CTOD
I am in need of your help, please tell me, should I move to Alabama with my boy-toy?
Please let the wonderful Saturyne know that we have uncovered and stopped a plot by evil carrots to invade Harle Syke. They have been captured, chopped and duly cooked and eaten.
The Saturnyne hollered thusly:
Hi Starbuck... yeah... cheery tomatoes (of Doooom(!))
WEll Broomy, as them tomatoes have pegged it i can only say from my own point of view...if you and he get on well living together, and can tolerate each others bad habits, argue, yet remain affectionate... i'd say yeah... but i admit moving is a terribly traumatic thing, too... no really easy answer...
good luck!
S.xx
b hollered thusly:
oh, dear.
seems i've missed all the fun.
i've not been a very good bloggerfriend lately, i'm afraid.
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I miss you! Come back soon.
(And that last poem was quite beatiful btw.)
Welcome back, for however long it is.
hey, you! i missed you. you've been away for much too long. i loved the first verse and how much it reminded me of ee cummings.
Iridescent, my teen self would thank-you.
Thanks, Herge... i've been away far too long, as indeed...
Transience points out. THanks Transience, and well spotted. cummings was indeed an influence on that poem. Still one of my 3 favourite poets.
It's nice to be missed. =]
S.x
welcome back. hope it lasts. have missed your wicked humour.
it's nice to have something new to read, but you take as long as you need to S, i'm sure all of your groupies will be waiting.
much much better than my teen-angsty poems. If I ever find them, I'll be sure to give you a couple - they'll be sure to have you doubled over in laughter at what a complete and utter cliche I was during those years.
Anyway, hope you and yours are well, and I'm missing your bloggings a lot.
take care...
lynda
i'm glad ur back...sort-of-back. Didn't get to explore u thoroughly the first time around.
Good to hear (see) your words again, Mr S, & I hope that all is well.
I, too, missed not having your wondrous archives to amuse myself in my quiet moments.
Nice poems, btw, you eternally-talented bugger.
However, Starbuck Powersurge does not believe in spring-cleaning.
Nope, hoarding is the new spring-cleaning. Never chuck anything out. Ever.
this post and the poetry made me miss you even more ;)
hope to see you come back soon...
Crikey! Is everything OK, S?
if i ever find the bastard who decided spamming comments was a good idea...well, you can guess the rest.
I kept wondering what Mr Prisoner was on about, because it wasn't showing up...
All is well, now, though... it's a delete!
Only things i delete on my blog, too, is spam
Commentees, can call me a motherfucker, and totally slag my posts off... but i'm fine with that... spamming just gets my goat!
S.xx
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