16.11.04 | The Spiders Stratagem

So there i was, minding my own business, pottering around the house, trying to keep it tidy and such. When walking into my bedroom, i was confronted by the hugest spider i have ever seen (In England). It must've been all of three feet* across and with fangs the size of paring knives**.

We stood (Or crouched in the spiders case) eyeing each other up with alarm. Hardly daring even to breathe.

"Bugger", i thought. "How'm i gonna get that out?"

(No, of course it never crossed my mind to attempt to slay it. This is a spidder friendly household, i'll have you know.)

So i retreated to the kitchen in search of a glass large enough to catch it in. Although with the size of that brute i was almost certainly gonna need a bucket at least.***

After a swift search i returned with the appropriate catching device, plus a full suit of kevlar body armour in case things went wrong, plus stun grenades, rapier (for duelling with the fangs), and pepper spray, in case it tried to mug me. Time being of the essence i had no time to find the harpoon gun from the garden shed...

There then ensued a frantic struggle all around the bedroom. Me, intent on subduing the fearsome brute, and he (I say "he" from complete lack of spiddery knowledge) intent on evading me with equal determination. Oh, the shennanigans! It was like one of those 3 Musketeers films starring Michael Yorke with Roy Kinnear as his trusty sidekick (C'mon, you've surely seen them?! Don't tell me you were born in the eighties?!?)

Anyway, the spidder won. Despite my fancy foot-trickery, the likes of which would have impressed ballerinas the world over with it's sheer ineptness. Despite my heavy artillery. Despite my constant commands of "Freeze Mothafucka!" in my best NYPD Blue accent. Yes, despite all this, the spidder escaped into a hole between a chest of fitted drawers and the wall. Very thoughtfully provided by builders of yesteryear. Bah!

And there he stayed. In fact i rather think i must have frightened him enormously, because for weeks afterwards, he refused to venture more than a few inches from his haven.

I began to feel sorry for Dave. Yes, i've christened him Dave. It's a good name. And in time i adopted him as a spider refugee of sorts. And, in time, he began to feel more venturesome and take little walks around the room. Sometimes, when sitting at my computer, i would catch sight of him peering out at me from his hideyhole home. I would even wave.

It didn't last however, for one day, he strayed too far, and into the path of my mother, who immediately captured and evicted him out into the cold streets, with far more efficiency than i ever could muster. She wasn't even wearing body armour!

*Three inches
** Very very very small paring knives.
*** Lies, all lies. Fabricated to make me look heroic in the eyes of damsels everywhere.

Which brings me to the pics below. One of the first requests i had for photos, was from Tam, via IMS, who desired for pics of an insect. Yeah, sure, at this time of year, the only way i was gonna come up with something like that was to go on holiday to Bug City. So i... improvised....

This one's for you Tam!

Spider In The Bath! Heeelp!

Oh, It's only Ophelia

Hey, Ophelia, looking gooood.

Sooo cute!


  6:09 pm :. Blogger Cece hollered thusly:


  6:33 pm :. Blogger my sun sets to rise again hollered thusly:

You have a true heart.

I would have exterminated it with extreme prejudice. Cause, otherwise they might go up my pant leg (possible) or in my bed (its happened to my mum :( ).

We've come to an understanding the spiders and me..

  7:50 pm :. Blogger Darkchild hollered thusly:


Ohoh, reminds me of the spy I have in my room...
I know it's there, when I turn around I can feel all it's eye's on my back, watching everything I do. But I never see a glimpse of it...
So unfair.


  8:46 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

Spidey pets eh? I had a spidey pet once, called him Elvis. He used to lurk on the wall next to my bed just above my chocolate finger tin (secret stash from my housemates). One morning I woke up to find Elvis no longer sitting on the wall. I found him plastered to my bedsheet. I'd flattened him in the night.

Alas poor Elvis.

  9:11 pm :. Blogger Dani hollered thusly:

Oh, I love spiders! OUTside, anyway. I really like the large ones that look really creepy and move very fast. Hmm. I have some pics to post now...

  12:43 am :. Blogger Princess Potty Mouth hollered thusly:

Inanimate spiders = way cool
Ones that are real... freak me out.... hence the one time i cried in a corner until my dads girlfriends kids got rid of it... yes I was 19 and cried in the corner like a little girl... I really hate them

  4:37 am :. Blogger Tam hollered thusly:

I totally don't get arachnophobia. Spiders are awesome, much like Ophelia. Although I'd have to point out that she's clearly had some nip 'n tuck work done over the summer.

  1:21 pm :. Blogger The Prisoner hollered thusly:

once there was a spider on my wall right behind my head, i turned around and there it was, not moving
and it was this big...
form here.........................................to here

i swear!

  1:59 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

quite small, then.


I quite like spidders, although looking at the one's on Dani's site might persuade me to change my mind...

Awesome pics, Dani!

  3:30 pm :. Blogger Starbuck hollered thusly:

Use the hoover. Its the only way.

But don't cross the streams...

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