16.11.04 | The Spiders Stratagem
So there i was, minding my own business, pottering around the house, trying to keep it tidy and such. When walking into my bedroom, i was confronted by the hugest spider i have ever seen (In England). It must've been all of three feet* across and with fangs the size of paring knives**.
We stood (Or crouched in the spiders case) eyeing each other up with alarm. Hardly daring even to breathe.
"Bugger", i thought. "How'm i gonna get that out?"
(No, of course it never crossed my mind to attempt to slay it. This is a spidder friendly household, i'll have you know.)
So i retreated to the kitchen in search of a glass large enough to catch it in. Although with the size of that brute i was almost certainly gonna need a bucket at least.***
After a swift search i returned with the appropriate catching device, plus a full suit of kevlar body armour in case things went wrong, plus stun grenades, rapier (for duelling with the fangs), and pepper spray, in case it tried to mug me. Time being of the essence i had no time to find the harpoon gun from the garden shed...
There then ensued a frantic struggle all around the bedroom. Me, intent on subduing the fearsome brute, and he (I say "he" from complete lack of spiddery knowledge) intent on evading me with equal determination. Oh, the shennanigans! It was like one of those 3 Musketeers films starring Michael Yorke with Roy Kinnear as his trusty sidekick (C'mon, you've surely seen them?! Don't tell me you were born in the eighties?!?)
Anyway, the spidder won. Despite my fancy foot-trickery, the likes of which would have impressed ballerinas the world over with it's sheer ineptness. Despite my heavy artillery. Despite my constant commands of "Freeze Mothafucka!" in my best NYPD Blue accent. Yes, despite all this, the spidder escaped into a hole between a chest of fitted drawers and the wall. Very thoughtfully provided by builders of yesteryear. Bah!
And there he stayed. In fact i rather think i must have frightened him enormously, because for weeks afterwards, he refused to venture more than a few inches from his haven.
I began to feel sorry for Dave. Yes, i've christened him Dave. It's a good name. And in time i adopted him as a spider refugee of sorts. And, in time, he began to feel more venturesome and take little walks around the room. Sometimes, when sitting at my computer, i would catch sight of him peering out at me from his hideyhole home. I would even wave.
It didn't last however, for one day, he strayed too far, and into the path of my mother, who immediately captured and evicted him out into the cold streets, with far more efficiency than i ever could muster. She wasn't even wearing body armour!
** Very very very small paring knives.
*** Lies, all lies. Fabricated to make me look heroic in the eyes of damsels everywhere.
Which brings me to the pics below. One of the first requests i had for photos, was from Tam, via IMS, who desired for pics of an insect. Yeah, sure, at this time of year, the only way i was gonna come up with something like that was to go on holiday to Bug City. So i... improvised....
This one's for you Tam!
Spider In The Bath! Heeelp!
Oh, It's only Ophelia
Hey, Ophelia, looking gooood.