17.11.04 | ...Meanwhile, On The Other Side Of The Floorboards...(The Spiders Stratagem Re-mix)
"Bloody 'ell! It's Dave!"
"Ahrreet Our Dave! Wheer the buggerin' 'ell 'ave you bin? We haven't seen yer for bloody months"
"Bollocks! Ah got tossed out onter 't street, didn't I?"
"Bollocks! How'd that 'appen?"
"Aye, ye' gowan tell us abaht it, arn't'cha?"
"Well get us a pint o' fly-juice, an' i'll tell yer all abaht it..."
Several pints o' fly juice later...
"... so ah'd bin wandering occasionally inter 't twofoot territory, cos o' rich pickings in their caves. Aye, i know what you under-dwellers are thinkin' "He must be barmy, to be strayin' inter dangerous territory like that. Aye an' i remember all th' stories our mams'd tell us abaht 'ow dangerous them giants are.
"But i tell yer, they're bloody blind! (Or are most o' the time) On account of their eyes being so far off the ground".
"Ye've seen their eyes?! Bugger! Bollocks! Few live to tell the tale of staring into a two-foots eyes. What'd they look like?"
"As big as me or you, that's how big. They were so big i could see me entire reflection in ther blackness. Aye!"
"Bollocky-buggery! You must've bin close!"
"Aye i was. I. Was. Face. To. Face. Wi' it... but ahm gettin' ahead o' meself...
"As i was saying... i was settling in nicely. Life was easy. The pickings were more rich and succulent than i could ever manage in a lifetime. If it weren't the twofoots dropped morsels i were feastin' off, it were the other insects that were also drawn to such feasts. Life were good.
"An' then i got careless didn't i? Got a bit adventurous, an' thought i'd check out some of the upper caverns for somewhere to lair up for ther Winter. So ah was wandering across the middle o' floor like a fool, when what should 'appen, but a two-foot walks in. Just my luck, he should spot me..."
"Well we just stood there lookin' at each other, like. Ahm ashamed to say, but ah just froze. Well, ah were terrified. What wi' th' noise an' all..."
"What noise? Was it a young female, i hear they make this high pitched screaming, if they spot us. Like it's some kind of alarm thing. I hear ye've gotta move pretty sharpish after that, or yer stamped on, good an' proper!"
"Aye i reckon it musta been one o' them, like yer say. Anyway, after a bit, it stopped shrieking, an' ran off. I shoulda made me exit right then, but me head were still ringing from 't awful wailing.
"Moments later, it came back, i knew from the way it moved towards me, that the game was up. It was either gonna kill me, or worse, catch me! So i ran. I ran like fook! It chased me all around that cave, this way an' that, makin' a dreadful hollerin' racket, breaking things, until i finally found a hole to escape into. It was then i literally came face to face wi' it...
"It crouched down onto it's feelers an' peered in at me. I tell you i've never bin so scared. It had hairs on it's 'ead as thick as me legs. Not just a few, but thousands 'an thousands. It had breath like a dead maggot. An' other smells equally disgustng, just seemed to ooze off it. An' all over it's skin, thousands an' thousands of tiny tiny creatures crawled an' crawled, eating the dead flesh that flaked away from it in a never-ending stream. It didn't even pay a bit of attention to them, neither. Ah tell yer, ah neerly vommed me last fly!"
"Bollocks you say! Then wot 'appened?"
"Well it just pissed off, didn' it? Dunno why. but it jus' lost interest. Me i nearly shat mesel'. I was soo terrified, i daren't hardly move from me hidey-hole for weeks. I'd see it from time to time when i peeked out. Once it even waved it's feeler at me. It almost seemed friendly.
"After a while, i thought "Sod this for a lark, i'm outta here. I was gettin' bloody hungry, yer know. So one mornin' i plotted me escape route while it was asleep, an' scarpered.
"Everything was goin' fine. I'd got outta the twofoots sleeping cavern, an' was just startin' ter climb dahn to the lower caverns. Then this other twofoot saw me. Before yer knew it, it'd grabbed me in it's feelers, an' dumped me out onto the outside. It was pissin' dahn aht there, too.
"Took me months to get back inside to the under-caves. But eventually i did, today. An' that's how i'm standing 'ere before yer. Waitin' fer yer ta get another round o' fly-juice in..."
"An' gerrem to put a fookin' umbrella in it this time! th' fookin' cheapskates."
And there we leave our denizens of the underworld, dear reader. But who would've thought they had such heavy accents? Not me, that's for sure...