6.8.04 | Why We Lost The British Empire (An alternate history)



"I say, old chap, you want to talk to an old fella about th' bally old British Empire, eh? Well pull up a chair, bring me glass of brandy, a GENEROUS glass mind, and let me tell yer all about my big game hunting in darkest Africa, with Ginger and Algy.

This was back in the time when men could be real men together, as taught by the finest boarding schools in Oxbridge, yes there was none of this effeminate nancy boy stuff; in those days we toiled and sweated, showered and buggered each other in proper manly fashion, according to Royal tradition. Yess, many's the time Ginge, Algy and i would get th' stirrups and egg-whisk out and-YOU CALL THIS A GLASS?!?! Bring me a PINT glass!!! Ahh... where was i? Oh, yesss...

...And also according to Royal tradition, we partaked of the finest intoxicants known to man, (all illegal now to you girly youngsters, eh?) why i remember how a good soaking in opium led to the finest shoot i've ever been on...

It was one morning, and we'd just bagged a few dozen of the natives, and we were running out of targets, eh. Bloody nuisance, eh... these blighters have got no respect for an Englishmans right to go out and shoot bally well anything he likes...

Well after elevenses, and some more opium (Bes' thing to come out of th' East, in my opinion), we struck out once more into the plains, and there we met the most marvellous sights known to man...

Watermelons. Herds and herds of the blighters, all foraging in the dry grass. What for? Well bloody water, i suppose! don't they teach you youngsters anything at school, boy?

WElllll, after we let rip with the 12bores, they were off, stampeding wildly across the plains, leaping madly in terror as they sough to escape our shot. Heaven help anyone caught in front of a wild herd of watermelon, eh?

What a sight! Just thinkin' about it brings a tear to my eye. I get quite emotional. But NOT IN A NONCY, way, Y' UNDERSTAND?!??! It's all about dignity, you know!

And they were so damned difficult to shoot, one had to run right up to them, practically stare them in the face, before you could be sure of a good shot, they were so agile...

Well, m'deah boy, i think it's time for my afternoon nap... I say, do you think you could loosen this manacle a bit? The chafing you know..."

(well, was that all right Janey? I had to think about that for, oooh, a good ten minutes or so... bloody "hiatus"... grumblegrumble... the cheek!)

7 comments :.

  12:19 am :. Blogger modern monkey hollered thusly:

Thank for your visit :) it's nice to see some friendly one, especially when it's you first day on your english blog... I don't think it's excellent but nevermind ;) echhh...you're from UK...I've always wanted to go there but I unfortunately can't :(


  12:20 am :. Blogger modern monkey hollered thusly:

Oh, I forgot... what would you learn in polish? ;D I've never been teacher <> before so tell me and I'll try to help you :)


  2:34 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

nice of you to reply... and so quickly, too! I'll go and post my own reply on your page and save you the trouble of moving back and forth between pages...


  7:30 am :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

ah....that's better. And I have to say, your version is probably a lot closer to the truth than the history books would tell us. Ever read any Tom Sharpe? I can't recall the name of the book he got chucked out of South Africa for, but that was very funny.


  9:53 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

I'm lost tonight. If you read my cack poetry you'll know that!

I need to know who I am.


  3:09 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

you're a Janey... and very lovely with it, too.

xxx


  7:39 am :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

owww. me heed hurts.



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