17.8.04 | The Saturnyne Went To The Cinema. Ages ago...

Once upon a time,

When the Saturnyne was barely more a saproling, or barely more than a Saturn (With the "yne-ing" to come later), there was a large and imposing cinema in the nearby town. THe town was once a thriving place like many towns in East Lancashire, and had many many cinemas, all hustling and bustling with people determined to have a jolly time (And for the most part, they did), as they sat enthralled by the wonders of the silver screen. Alas, however, television arrived, and with this new wonder, people no longer made the effort to be quite so sociable, and so, one by one the cinemas closed, and became other things, one a night-club, another a bingo-hall, this other, a derelict ruin, with perhaps the echoes of ghost people and their delight within it's crumbling edifice...

Until there was just this one. A relic of the not-so-distant 60's. Three large screens in the darkness, reached via traversing many flights of twisting stairs. Unloved and derelict by the time Saturnyne attends what was almost it's last showing. There were rumours of rats in the stalls...

There he goes, look. -it's a rainy midweek evening, and the Saturnyne is striding purposefully towards the stairs into the cinema, his long coat and long hair fluttering mournfully in his wake. He is bored and has decided a movie would be a fine thing to see and pass the time. He is coming to see Hellraiser. And he is alone.

(It feels quite strange, going to the cinema by yourself. The Saturnyne recommends you do it at least once in your life.)

Just how alone becomes all too apparent, when surveying the inside of the cinema to find his seat. He is the only customer this evening.

Great. That'll really help the atmosphere...
Alone: check
Vast gothic cinema: check
Horror film: check
Popcorn. Fucking horrible popcorn: check
Shlurpy so-called-orange flavoured drink for all the dull bits: check
Sticky floor (For that special feeling of slight revulsion): check
Distant rustling noises in the stalls: check
Fear of rats: Checkity fecking check

So The Saturnyne sits not a little squeamishly in his seat right in the middle of the cinema. Vaguely tormented by feelings of elitism, that great directors feel when they're having their own private screenings, slightly wondering about how big rats can grow, somewhat worried that he's going to find he's sat in an undiscernible sticky patch...

Curtains draw back. No adverts. Whoo! Film starts. Whoo! Great film (please note dear reader, when we say "great film" we're not necessarily saying this is gonna be listed in our Blog fave films bit... it's not that great.

About halfway in, the creeping and rustling noises which The Saturnyne has been diligently trying to ignore, make themselves most apparent during a particulaly quiet bit

Surely this noise was next to us?

Shall we risk a quick glance?
Quick glance.
There appears to be a very large rat sitting in the seat next to us. Something odd about it
Reappraisal of situation?
Probably good idea. Hope it doesn't notice us. After all it's rude to stare.
Longer glance.
There appears to be more rats in other seats. Still something odd...
Very long glance.
Aah, that's the oddity. They appear to be watching the flm.

Rat turns towards us, twitching it's whiskers and seemingly grinning.
"Good film, innit? You gonna hog that popcorn all night, mate?"

We pass the popcorn.

A pleasant time is had by all.


  12:55 pm :. Blogger Tam hollered thusly:

Thanks to my penchant for deeply pretentious indie cinema --usually camel themed-- I'm always left to see movies in old creaky theatres by myself and it is, as you said, eerie. Being the sole member of the audience is by far the best environment to spread out, laugh uproariously and kick it cool by putting your feet up on the back of the chair in front like some insolent nogoodnick with a winning smile and a mesmorizing pelvis that thrusts about defiantly underneath all of their dangerously mis-matched denim.

But mostly, its the laughing. Those camels are comical beasts.

  2:42 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:


I can only think of one recent film with camel in it. "Th' Weeping Camel".Lovely. You make me wanna invent an instant teleportation device so i can drop in on yer and visit these fabulous cinemas!

Alas, when we finally got a cinema back in town...after many years... it was some bloody soulless multiplex... better than nothing though...

  2:55 pm :. Blogger Janey hollered thusly:

ps...don't think I didn't notice u changed yr blurb at the top of yr blog!

  7:35 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

????no i didn't!!!

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