13.8.04 | Omnia Mutantir, Nihil Interit... (With Pumpkin Guest Appearance)
Forgive me if i don't share that latin quote with you.
My folks returned from a holiday to Florida this weekend gone. They brought back many interesting little stories of their holiday, taken with my brother, his wife and my two nieces and nephew. They also brought back a rather virulent virus. And a great deal of unhappiness.
I'm angry. Angry that two elderly people, indeed two of the kindest and most generous people i know, were treated so poorly by their own family. "Class shows" i think it is said, and well, my family ain't got it. I find myself... completely untouched by love for any members of my brothers family, including him. I wouldn't miss any of them if i never saw them again.
So, it's late. I'm angry. My dad's in the next room because he can't sleep. He's sitting there, in his favourite chair. Got his pyjamas on. Poorly and miserable. He looks so very old tonight... i want to sit by him, and tell him how much i love him and mum. I want to tell him how much i'll miss them both when they're gone from my life. I want to tell him how very proud i am to be his son, and about how very grateful i am for all the things they've given me; especially their love. A love that carries on through me and imbues my own words and actions towards others. I wish i had had children sometimes. I probably won't. I dunno... (laughs) well maybe my family would have turned out like my brothers... You never know how good a parent you're gonna be until you actually are one...
No of course i'm not going to go in the next room just now!- He doesn't want someone emotional pestering him when he's just got some flu thing and is trying to kip! I'll do what every Englishmen does, and leave it until it's too late. After all, there's Tradition to follow here. Besides i'm saving up all that "Wracked-by-self-guilt" stuff for a rainy day. Yer shouldn't waste it, yer know!
I wish i felt worth something, that i had something tangible to show for my sorry life. Gawd, i wish i could stop whining. Actually that's just what Pumpkin would say. She'd say:
"Stop that fucking racket, and just do something! Or i'll set the cats on you again!"
She has a special way with words, does Pumpkin.
Most of all i just wish that my dad and my mum were feeling better...
"Omnia mutantir, nihil interit".... yeah, that's true. And you might add to that:
"Only the Phoenix rises and does not descend." And that also is true.
But i hope my folks are given a few years more, yet. Maybe i can yet accomplish something i'm happy about in that time... maybe something good and lasting... Perhaps it all won't have been in vain after all.