28.6.04 | Squirrels!...and golfing....
Today, ladies and germs, i wanna talk to yers about a subject that's close to my heart. Golfing. Although, i have to say, it's close to my heart in a way that a dagger thrust between the ribs is close. A dagger that then gets twisted in a nasssty way. Yeah, i don't like golf. It's a snobs game, for the most part. (Like tennis. In this country). Yer get golf courses all over the place, eating into the environment, which then get these "Keep Out" signs plastered around the borders, while the toffs and the well-off wander around in their elitist little buggies, wearing their golfing accoutrements (Hey! I've never used that word before! Cool!) and their weird little clown suits which beg "Eviscerate me" to any sane person. Actually, i call upon all right-thinking human beings... or anyone with an ounce of compassion for the human race, or just me even, to take them to the vets and put them to sleep. Failing that, just hit them with big sticks. Please?! I could offer small rewards...?
...But my real concern is for the grey squirrels.... yeah, the less well-off cousins of the ingenious red-squirrels (See previous posts)... they obviously need to be given a boost up in the world. So.
"Why not train them as guided-golf-balls?" (For those golfers who can't afford all that expensive tuition)
What we could do; is kit them out with little crash-helmets and heavy padding. And stunt parachutes!
That way, the punters can thwack them in the general direction of the hole, and if their aim is a bit off the squirrel can happily release it's parachute and funkily guide itself nearer to the hole. WE could even design little jet-packs for 'em!
...of course the armour etc, would have to be of excellent quality... either that or we'd need a lot of squirrels. Hey, but that would be fun too, wouldn't it!
Some peeps might say that "this is terrible!"; "cruelty to animals" and all that. But i say, nooo. It's gainful employment for 'em. Besides., who wants 'em doin' this http://trident.spodemedia.net/Sam/squizz.htm all day long?
Bunch of layabout scroungers if you ask me.
"But they're so cuuute!"
"Yeah? What's yer point? They're still gonna look cute when yer bludgeon them with your golf-clubs. Just more...mashy-and-pulpy-cute... besides if they live, they'll look cute with jetpacks and parachutes and flying helmets, too! I think we win all round. I'm off to the park to gather... samples"
(I have a feeling i'm gonna come back and edit this some more later... lol)