28.6.04 | Squirrels!...and golfing....



Today, ladies and germs, i wanna talk to yers about a subject that's close to my heart. Golfing. Although, i have to say, it's close to my heart in a way that a dagger thrust between the ribs is close. A dagger that then gets twisted in a nasssty way. Yeah, i don't like golf. It's a snobs game, for the most part. (Like tennis. In this country). Yer get golf courses all over the place, eating into the environment, which then get these "Keep Out" signs plastered around the borders, while the toffs and the well-off wander around in their elitist little buggies, wearing their golfing accoutrements (Hey! I've never used that word before! Cool!) and their weird little clown suits which beg "Eviscerate me" to any sane person. Actually, i call upon all right-thinking human beings... or anyone with an ounce of compassion for the human race, or just me even, to take them to the vets and put them to sleep. Failing that, just hit them with big sticks. Please?! I could offer small rewards...?

...But my real concern is for the grey squirrels.... yeah, the less well-off cousins of the ingenious red-squirrels (See previous posts)... they obviously need to be given a boost up in the world. So.
I say...
"Why not train them as guided-golf-balls?" (For those golfers who can't afford all that expensive tuition)
What we could do; is kit them out with little crash-helmets and heavy padding. And stunt parachutes!
That way, the punters can thwack them in the general direction of the hole, and if their aim is a bit off the squirrel can happily release it's parachute and funkily guide itself nearer to the hole. WE could even design little jet-packs for 'em!

...of course the armour etc, would have to be of excellent quality... either that or we'd need a lot of squirrels. Hey, but that would be fun too, wouldn't it!
5 iron
swing
*skutch*
or *whoosh!*

Some peeps might say that "this is terrible!"; "cruelty to animals" and all that. But i say, nooo. It's gainful employment for 'em. Besides., who wants 'em doin' this http://trident.spodemedia.net/Sam/squizz.htm all day long?

Bunch of layabout scroungers if you ask me.

"But they're so cuuute!"

"Yeah? What's yer point? They're still gonna look cute when yer bludgeon them with your golf-clubs. Just more...mashy-and-pulpy-cute... besides if they live, they'll look cute with jetpacks and parachutes and flying helmets, too! I think we win all round. I'm off to the park to gather... samples"

(I have a feeling i'm gonna come back and edit this some more later... lol)

4 comments :.

  7:29 pm :. Blogger Carl hollered thusly:

(sigh!) You don't half write some rubbish sometimes, I mean come on, grey squirrels in armour instead of golf balls ? Think about it for a bit, as soon as you put an average grey in an amount of armour strong enough to survive a decent drive it's not going to fit in the hole is it ? You think the PGA is going to enlarge the holes ? Nope I'm sorry as far as rodent golf ball replacements go you're going to have to look at dormice or possible a vole, look don't give me that union and equal oppertunities rubbish physics is physics and the buggers are just too damn big.


  11:33 pm :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

What about highly trained baby squirrels, then?

Besides, come to think about it... they only have to hold the ball in flight and then PUT the golf ball in the hole... not actually get in there with it... should be a doddle!

Problem solved.


  12:18 am :. Blogger The Saturnyne hollered thusly:

Goddam! that link doesn't work anymore!

Now you will no longer get to see the cute squirrel busking band on the park bench

*sadness*

S.


  9:15 pm :. Anonymous Tophat hollered thusly:

ooo so before you adopted the V signoff you used...interesting

Now, as for your views of golf and the bashing of small animals. Golf is not so much of a hobby of mine but i have played before quite a few times (not in the correct attire of course (dont understand how playing in such a restricting and stiff costume can allow you to play to your full potential, my this is a bit of a long bracket thingy) and i quite enjoyed it, whacking a ball with a stick and doing some of the clever trick shots (like curling (draw/fade shot, brackets within brackets now, woop!) and the putting over your head thing make it quite fun). I find golf a great way to relieve stress at least for me anyway, just imagine that tiny ball is the head of anyone who are especially annoyed at and just swing away without any re-percussions.

The squirrel idea is quite ingenious and after watching scrubs i have found that the best way to catch a squirrel is with a boxing glove and a sack or bag, although what might add an extra dimension to your game is to fit the tiny squirrels with an electronic device that shocks them so the person who hits the shot can choose when the squirrel should drop the ball as lets face it, how can such a tiny animal cope with flying let alone having to comprehend when they should release the ball.

Tophat/Alex



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